Tales from the mommy battlefield

This week I went to a mommy meet-up thing. I have not had much time for them since I went back to work and truthfully I didn't go to much before I went back. I had a hard time connecting with many of these moms. It is not that they were content stay-at-homes, rather that they were smug.  I hate smug. Walk a mile in someone else's moccasins before you whip out the holier than thou.

So one of the moms was kind enough to engage me in conversation, which can be a rare event. She asked me how going back to work was going. So in true Sunny form, I began to regale them of a story which involved poop, peanut butter, coffee all over the place, and much giggles.  Another mom decided this would be her impetus for a lobbying manifesto for why being a working mom is BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of my favorite tidbits from this twat's pie hole; "you miss EVERYTHING, robbing your child of their childhood, damaging your child", and on it went.  I just kept my mouth shut..........for only so long.

I tried to tactfully point out that for many many working is not a choice, that they need to do it to support their family. Others genuinely like to work. However, smuggess just sat there in her superiority shitdome.

I don't care if you strap your child in a papoose and walk them to sixth grade on your back, they are not going to be better off if you cannot PAY YOUR FUCKING BILLS. I don't care if you all sleep in the same bed on the night before their bar mitzvah, they are not going to be better off if you cannot PAY YOUR FUCKING BILLS.  I don't care if you sit home and make rainbows from whole wheat organic gluten free macaroni, they are not going to be better off if you cannot PAY YOUR FUCKING BILLS.

I do not care if your child never looks at a screen until they are 20, if you are miserable staying at home and HAVE NO SENSE OF JOY.  I do not care if your child has homemade baby food and every meal has all the major food groups, if you sit at home and cry everyday BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF JOY. I do not care if your child is dressed head to toe in the most adorable outfit, if you sit at home and wonder where you went and HAVE NO SENSE OF JOY.

Okay yes I am being extreme, but seriously it is such a personal family choice with many variables that only that little family can analyze. I just cannot get it that some people in this day and age can be so judgy.  For my family after so many conversations about how our family was going to be, so much so that husband called it a circle jerk, we made a purposeful choice that I would go back to work, we would leave the service, he would go to school, we would go back home to the expensive sunny coast, and make it work. I am so enjoying being back at work. I am fortunate to have a career I love, and it pays moderately well, we have the GI bill to afford husband to go back to school and take care of the babe several days a week, we have a wonderful childcare that affords the babe stimulation. It is the right thing for us. I would never purport that I would know what is best for others.  Perhaps you think I am a wee bit defensive. Perhaps. But is mostly about how much I hate smug. Off to mop the floor. 

Okay one more thing or so. Who do you think is educating, picking those crops, examining, cleaning, building, inventing and fighting, so your child can live in this oh so amazing world??? Do you think it is all daddies that are doing all this? There are plenty of mommies that leave their babes so that can do their part to make this world so wonderful for your children. Think about that and shut the fuck up, around me at least.  

Parenting Advice

In light of my last post, I was asked what advice would I have for a new parent. I was like, 26.2 lessons wasn’t sufficient? But anyhow, my feelings about parental advice are complicated. I personally don’t really mind it. At times it is pretty ridiculous like kissing the baby’s face gives them acne, to inappropriate; we shouldn’t spin sperm to get a girl, but mostly it is benign. I know others mean well, so I don’t get all spun about it.  However, I have been around when others have gotten advice that is overbearing. 

So here goes mine. Do what you think is right for your kid. You do know best. Do what works for your family. Do what works for your kid. No one knows better than you.

Also, don’t get all gungho on some theory, it is just that, a theory and you can pick and choose how you want to apply it. There has been quite a lot in the press lately, Time magazine boob sucking, about different theories. What I took away from it is that scientifically no theory seems to produce better kids and that most of us pick a theory that goes with our personality. Duh.

I just really think that people should keep their big opinions to themselves, and that goes for their kids and others too. Just lay off, mind your own business and kid.  These mommy wars are really asinine. More female bullying imo. This article today in the Huffington Post said it very well.

What I wish I had known about being a Mom

I talked about the gross side of pregnancy that no one told me about, well after over a year into this, I am going to open up my big pie whole and share my wisdom about being a mom.  This is a blog after all,

1. It is way more fun to shop for your child, your body will not go back despite the number on the scale.  Yoga pants are your best friend, stock up.

2. You are still you even if you could drive a truck through  your vag at one point. You may no longer recognize yourself, but your baby does. So it is okay.

3.  You were once a judgey person when it came to others kids and parenting habits. You will feel enormous guilt for that. Being a new parent takes tremendous support. Take it when it is offered to you, ditch the proud. And take every opportunity to give it to others. Others will judge you and they can just go fuck themselves.

4.  Your child will humiliate you in public, restaurants are a special level of hell. Embrace it. Also get down on your knees and clean up the trough your child left. It is good manners.

5.  Mommy instincts are amazing, trust them above all others, including the judgey folk, baby books and those stupid celebutards.

6.  You will often feel like you have no idea what you are doing, you are probably right. Your baby will forgive you, they don't remember much about those early days anyway. I dropped mine twice during the first months, no one is worse for wear. Also if you are doubting yourself, that probably means you are doing the right thing.

7.  You will think your child is the most beautiful baby in the world. You may be very wrong. However, I am very right.

8.  Do get professional photos, at least once. Especially newborn ones, because they look very funny at that time and a pro can make them look amazing. And photo shop your post-partum beard as well.

8.2  Personal hygeine is optional. I considered it a win if I brushed my teeth every other day.

9.  Yoga pants, bomb diggity. Needs to be said again. I wore the ass out of mine. I bought more.

10.  You have not lived until you have had diarrhea with your baby sitting on your lap. For the record they don't seem to mind the smell, the grunting scares them though.

11.  A nipple shield is a horrifying thing. You can live 38 years and not know you have flat nipples.

12.  Breastfeeding can be EXTREMELEY difficult. It just may not work or be for you. That is totally okay. You might just hate nursing. It is okay to stop. Don't let the asshats tell you differently. Switching to bottles may be your personal Prozac.

13.  The day your child is born may not be the best day of your life. In fact, it was one of my worst, most terrifying, anxiety ridden, cuckoo for coco puffs days of my life. It has not faded in my memory and I am not over it. I will try to have a child again. But holey fucking pastrami sandwich will it be different. I hope so.

14. Your bladder may never be the same. Invest in some moisture wicking undies.  I like underarmour

15.  Sex drive? Enough said.

16.  Other mommies can be downright fucking liars. Your six week old slept 12 hours a night. Total horseshit.  They will be competitive at best, at worst hypocritical psychopaths if it means they can one up. Walk away and never go around them again.

17.  Bliss, sometimes yes. Exhaustion and feeling completely overwhelmed, that more accurately described the first few months.

18.  You do not need to have a nursery or first birthday worthy of pinterest. Put that money in the college account. 

19.  You have my permission to be as annoying and crazy as you want those first months. Be paranoid and irrational all you want. You worked for this level of hormonal flux, enjoy the ride.

20.  Take help when offered, ask for it or beg for it. Have people bring meals. Flower bouquets are nice, my cat ate them. Clothes are sweet, more laundry great. Food that I do not have to make or clean up, gold. Better yet, can you do a load of laundry for me. thanks.

21.  Your body may never be the same. My nipples resemble baloney slices. Several day old slices. Truth.

22.  Your car is now a mechanized waste basket. You may look like a hillbilly with all the gear shoved in.

23.  Sleep when the baby sleeps, try it. I was not so good at it.

24.  Your sleep will never be the same. The baby finally at 13 months sleeps through the night. However, I still wake up. Sometimes it is my bladder, other times paranoia.

25.  Depth of love you feel blows you away. I knew I would feel this for my child, that was not a shock. However, the love I feel for my spouse has literally taken my breath away. Watching him be a dad, take care of me when I was flying over the cuckoo's nest, the growing bond between us. That is amazing. That shit is liked gooey chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven. But better.

26.  Being a mommy is more amazing than anyone told you. Also more gross, anxiety riddled, anger producing, identity sucking and oppressive. Carry on.

Dress-up

After two years of looking like ass because I could I now make myself purty for work. I kinda forgot that I am not half bad looking. And work clothes so much more flattering than the grunge. But not to be undone had to go back home at 10 and fully change. Still figuring out how to drink coffee and drive again. As my husband aptly named me, Spillary

Not gonna lie

I'm about to board a plane to SF sans husband and baby. Going to a friend's wedding shower. I am incredibly excited to go to see my City and friends by the Bay. Fun!!!!!!!!!