77%*

That is the probability of knowing what we are going to be doing come ETS. Are you as sick of hearing our different plans as I am? Fish is having the most difficulty with the constant changing of plans. I keep reminding him that we cannot make firm plans until we have firm data, and well now we have some.

I am on my third antibiotic and it seems to be working. That or this was simply viral and it has run it's course. I pulled Fish out of the field again, I was so sinking, and his CPT ordered him out for the entire weekend. His company are good folk. So I am on the mend.

Fishy does have acid reflux and his new Rx seems to be helping. Yahoo!!!

I had a phone interview for my old job. My old boss left when I did and the new boss, well he has some mixed reviews. I don't really care, I will make up my own mind. He was generous enough to allow me to phone interview, even when that is against policy and he is hearing impaired, and I talk really fast. So he gets points already. He is a also a gay jew, I mean hello he is one of my peeps! I felt the interview went well, even though I had a 101 temp. I liked the questions he asked and his explanations of the new policies. So we shall see.

BUT.

I don't think I want my old job anymore. Even though I found out I can even get back my super amazing two bedroom dirt cheap, great neighborhood, easy parking, safe, near the park, old apartment in San Fransisco. Confused? Me too. But not really. Basically the truth that Southern California is better for my little family has never changed. As much as I WOULD LOVE to be back in San Francisco, in my fab apt, in my great old job, with all my wonderful friends, start back up my private practice in a jiffy, it would be bad news bears for my family as a whole. For Fish and his post military adjustment So Cal would be so much better for him for so so many many reasons. I can live in either nor cal or so cal and be happy, that is not really the case for Fish. Also Fish's family is amazing and having them in our lives versus treading water in the super expensive rat race of the Bay Area?

And then this happened.

Grandma Fish has not been well and she is now going into a nursing home. She has a humongo gorgeo 4 bedroom house in Orange County. They cannot sell it for various reasons and the family doesn't want to rent it. So they want us to live in it, get it cleaned out for the day when it is time to sell, keep the house nice for a few years, and what do they need from us in return? Pay our utilities. That. is. it.

Now most people would jump at this opportunity. For me, it has taken me a lot of time to feel that this the right decision for us. I am at 77%. It took a lot of discussions to understand that this is not a hand-out. I have been given very few things in my life. I have had to work for everything. I am not saying this to be like oh poor me, but just to explain to be given such a gift, it is jarring.

We still do not have a reliable income stream as my unemployment benefits are up in the air. But we do have the GI Bill living stipend which is nothing to sneeze at. And I have some ideas how to make some income too. And I still want to try to get a position as a school psychologist next year. But I have realized that I have to do something different next year if I want to get hired. I have the following ideas: hire a professional to revamp my resume and cover letters, take the 11 month course to get my diplomate in nuero-school-psychology (something I have always wanted), work towards becoming a Board Certified Behavior Analyst, possibly restart my doctorate (again), intern a few days a week to start networking in so cal, and be a mommy.

This awesome house is on a cul-de-sac. I grew-up on a cul-de-sac and I always wanted my children to have that experience.

*I think I just raised to 81%.

Really?

I swear all I can do right now is laugh. Fish headed into the field for 11 days. That is a long time. Yes deployments are longer. I get it. I started feeling sick the day before he headed out and less than 24 hours of him being gone, I was down for the count. Strep throat, eye infection, sinus infection, and an ear infection. How is that even possible. I let them give me two shots in my ass just to get the antibiotics going as fast as possible. And I so don't do needles. It was that bad. Then I begged Fish to come home and take care of Fishy so I could sleep and get better. They let him, hooray!

Fishy has been going through a very cranky stage and wants constant carrying around. We think he might have acid reflux (doc appointment friday) and his sleep is all messed up. He basically doesn't nap. What four month old does that? We are starting sleep training pronto.

So today the Employment Development Department scheduled a phone interview that I HAD TO TAKE if there was a donkey's ass chance in hell of getting my benefits restored. I dragged myself out of bed and guess what?

They. never. called.


ASSHATS!!!

The replacement they hired when I left my old job resigned. I totally knew she was a piece of shit. But at the time I knew I wasn't entirely objective. But yeah I was right. So you know what that means? I could try to get my old job back. But, but, Northern California for many reasons is not the best place for us. But having a job is. So it is a bit of a quandary. So I applied and we will see what happens. If I cannot get my old job back the pebble of self-esteem I have left may crumble.

Fish homestead Reptile census:

0 lizards, 2 snakes. Major downsizing going on. Getting ready to move. Getting ready to be financially strapped. Stripping down.

My emotions all over the place. We leave Sweatyville in a little less than three months. We move into the in-laws. Our income stream depends on unemployment insurance (is still up in the air) and GI Bill living stipend (variable). I wake up in cold sweats. I go from being optimistic that it will all work out, to feeling like an utter failure (job search was a fruitless stress filled financial pit of shit), and doom and gloom that we will never get on our feet, will strain our relationship with my in-laws, and....and....and...

I have been self supporting since the age of 16 and now at the age of 39 I am moving in with my in-laws with my husband and baby. I have moments of what was I thinking pulling up stakes a little over a year ago, quitting my job, shutting down my practice, moving cross country, and starting a family. I had no right to be so selfish and irresponsible. Yeah some serious self hate going on.