I really tried not to have this blog be preg-centric but it is all I can think about lately, so here goes. I was supposed to see my regular OB Wednesday but got moved to another doc on Thursday because mine was sick. I am receiving care from this group practice. It wasn't my first choice but due to my stupidity with Tricare I had to abruptly change OB's (and fight my former insurance company to pay a 2K bill, I won) and needed to be seen IMMEDIATELY because I am a nutter. So I ended up with what I call a buffet of OB's! Your baby is delivered by whomever is on call that day. I mean there are benefits to this approach. The doc is not as fatigued and such. And I have felt that I have gotten good care. However, the approach is probably not the best fit for me.
By rotating through docs, there is something lost in the personal doctor-patient relationship. And for someone like me who thrives on building close relationships where I feel I can trust and be nurtured, this has been a challenge. So yesterday I sat in the waiting room 90 minutes past my appointment time to be finally seen. I was getting very fatigued and bitchy. No good magazines, playing with my phone was giving me a headache. By now it was 4:45 and they were literally lining up the vagina's outside the exam rooms in order to be expedient. I could see they were trying to end their day. And like I do understand that there are multiple people with significant commitments and they needed to get out the door. I do understand that probably something came up that day that had thrown the schedule off. I am not an island onto myself. Totally get it. But I am also an irritable ball of Hellery, so maintaining a ZEN state was an effort.
I was in the exam room 93 seconds with the doc, I timed it. CRAZY me. No vag exam, just fetal heart beat and my vitals previously taken by the nurse. Everyone is fine. But no new data about my ripening. I just didn't have it in me to advocate for myself appropriately and ask why I wasn't having an exam, despite being told that from 35 weeks forward I would. I knew what would come out of my mouth would be whiny venom. So I sucked it up and cried on the drive home. Then made myself some spinach and artichoke dip and took a nap. So next week I am hoping to get an exam and some data. I am very data driven, have I mentioned that? I am also going to try to get Fish go to the doc with me next week so perhaps the odds of one person being in a zen state is higher. I have been nicer to Fish, it also means I have been less talkative as if I feel I cannot say something rational I do my best to keep my mouth shut.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Good times
I wish I could think of something else to blog about but well the Fishy situation is about all that is on my brain because he is head butting my vagina and that is all I can think of. I went to my doc on Friday and she basically called horseshit on the other doc and sarcastically asked for his crystal ball. She has no idea when this baby is coming and just because I am "ripening" means nothing. Okay. Like I am fine with nature taking its course and all, and I prefer it. Just don't give me conflicting info. Like what is this, the Army?
Otherwise I have been a total bitch to my husband. It is really bad. I cannot seem to control myself. I try to be nice and then these horrible things come out of my mouth. Yesterday we were at the storage space getting baby stuff out and I asked him to get out the wipe warmer. When he asked what a wipe warmer was, why we needed one, and that we were turning our child into a pussy, I blew up!!! I literally shut myself in the bedroom yesterday and cried for an hour. I kept trying to be nice with no success. I am just so fucking irritable. I don't seem to be this way toward other people? I feel incredibly guilty and he is rightly so reaching the end of his rope.
I begged him to go biking with a friend today despite us having a much to do. He needs to save himself while he can.
Otherwise I have been a total bitch to my husband. It is really bad. I cannot seem to control myself. I try to be nice and then these horrible things come out of my mouth. Yesterday we were at the storage space getting baby stuff out and I asked him to get out the wipe warmer. When he asked what a wipe warmer was, why we needed one, and that we were turning our child into a pussy, I blew up!!! I literally shut myself in the bedroom yesterday and cried for an hour. I kept trying to be nice with no success. I am just so fucking irritable. I don't seem to be this way toward other people? I feel incredibly guilty and he is rightly so reaching the end of his rope.
I begged him to go biking with a friend today despite us having a much to do. He needs to save himself while he can.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Mil Spouse Friday Fill-in
1. What is your favorite MilSpouse blog (not including Wife of a Sailor who we all love, or your own)? submitted by Our Crazy Life
I really love every blog out there, even the ones I kinda mock. My blog roll shows my absolute favs.
2. What are your favorite perks about your s/o being deployed (we all know there are perks)? submitted by Ramblings of a Marine Wife
I did love making care packages and imagining Fish's face when he got them. A favorite memory was drawing kissy fish cartoons all over the outside and then learning it sat out in the main area of his COP all day and he got razzed for days. Other than that I really didn't experience any perks. I just missed him and worried.
3. How long did you date your
We met a month before he deployed and got married four months after he redeployed. Our courtship pretty much occurred over a 12 month deployment.
4. What do you think your
Well we are planning that right now. He is planning to go back to school so he can become a high school science teacher. But what he would really like to do is be a big time reptile breeder. I think one day he will achieve that, it is just gonna take time.
5. If you could talk to the Secretary of (fill in your appropriate branch) what is one suggestion you would like to bring to their attention in order to improve the lives of military families? submitted by My Life as His (Air Force) Wife
I would talk to the folks in mental health about front loading resiliency skills in children, spouses and the soldiers. The best intervention for mental health disorders is prevention. I would provide more funding for mental health workers on the ground. Less checklists and cya briefings, but rather real services. I would train and pay spouses as mental health paraprofessionals and send them out into the communities. It is really not that difficult in my opinion.
Stupid me
Another FEDEX came from the momster and I opened it. Stupid Stupid me. I said I was not going to do that. Why did I do that? Because I sent her a response to her last FEDEX assault and I wanted to read her response. What was I expecting. There was a better chance of the apocalypse than my hopes being realized. Stupid Stupid Stupid. I really hope this is what it took for me to have the strength to prevent further contact. I need to reserve all my energy for my family right now.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I knew something was up when ...........
...........I left TJMAXX without even looking at the shoes. I have been pretty uncomfortable and not just quite right the past few days. But I really didn't know if this was simply how you felt at 35 weeks. Yesterday Fish headed into the field for the next two weeks and I told him to volunteer for every duty he could. I was hoping this would earn him some chits for when the next field weeks came along (the two weeks preceding the due date) he would be allowed to come home at night. Fish came home for a few hours today to sleep. And well I just continued to feel funky. I call my OB and they promptly made me an appointment. I woke the Fish and we went in. A non-stress-test revealed the fishy is doing just fine. An exam revealed that my cervix is ripening. I am effacing and dilating. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!
They estimate the fishy will be here in 1-3 weeks. So much for my worrying about getting induced and possibly a C-section. Once again my worrying was for naught. However, my anal-ness and goal of having everything ready four weeks before the due date is serving us well. We came home in shock and knocked out the rest of the list. Now we wait. And we look at each other and kinda giggle. I put the below on my Facebook, but for the few readers that I have out there, I invite you to join in on the fun. In the comments section state your estimated date of arrival, time, and weight, even length if you wish. I will be giving out prizes. My original due date was 3/21. Ready or not the fishy is a coming. I think we are ready as we are going to be. OMFG!!!!
They estimate the fishy will be here in 1-3 weeks. So much for my worrying about getting induced and possibly a C-section. Once again my worrying was for naught. However, my anal-ness and goal of having everything ready four weeks before the due date is serving us well. We came home in shock and knocked out the rest of the list. Now we wait. And we look at each other and kinda giggle. I put the below on my Facebook, but for the few readers that I have out there, I invite you to join in on the fun. In the comments section state your estimated date of arrival, time, and weight, even length if you wish. I will be giving out prizes. My original due date was 3/21. Ready or not the fishy is a coming. I think we are ready as we are going to be. OMFG!!!!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Well............
Lately I have had a hard time deciding what to blog about. I have got some big stuff going on but quite frankly I have not felt like blogging about it. First is the pregnancy. I fear anything that I write about will come off as complaining, and honestly I have six more weeks to go and then the universe G-d willing will give us the ultimate blessing. So what can I complain about? I once followed a blog of an Army wife whose was stationed in Alaska (same state as Fish) and whose husband was also deployed. It was quite informative and this couple was like the prettiest people ever. I loved looking at them, blog porn. Then they PCS'd to the same duty station as us and got pregnant. I thought how cool, parallel lives! But then she started a new blog with a title that was an open letter to her fetus. And her postings were letters to her fetus and complaints about her weight gain. And while I didn't begrudge her experience, I just found it a bit vapid. I vowed I would not utilize my blog in this way. So I have really kept the pregnancy postings to a minimum. But in a nutshell all is going well with the fishy in my belly. We feel as ready as we can be. The grandparents have booked their plane tickets. I am having a respectful battle with my OB about the due date that I know they have wrong by 12 days!! I fear I will be induced and end up with a C-section. I do not feel that a C-section would be a failure, I would rather just like to give my body the opportunity to have a vaginal birth. I am not sure I am going to win this battle.
Then there is the mess going on with my mother. I fear anything that I write about will be a public denigration of her. And while she deserves a good flogging, it is just not my way. I will say this, this is nothing new. What is new is how I am choosing to respond to it. I got myself an amazing therapist that is helping me enormously. In a nutshell due to her egregious behavior surrounding my wedding and move, I took a break from her. Not the first time. And then about a month ago she emotionally assaulted my sister and I with a coordinated multi-coast FEDEX. It is clarifying things, but it is also crushing. Processing this situation is taking a lot of psychic energy. I do not feel my blog is the best place to put all the crapola out there. It is sad and hard and healing.
I could post pictures of my cat?
AGAIN.
Nah.
What I can talk about is our ETS/PCS situation. I wish I could say things are becoming more settled, but this is the Army we are talking about. What is happening is that we are getting answers to our questions which is clarifying our options. So much is still up in the air and the best we can do is have a number of possible scenarios and wait for the data to come in. Then the path will reveal itself. I do feel we are being very purposeful about this process. Once again I appreciate the problem solving dynamic the Fish and I have. I am not gonna lie and say there hasn't been some moments where we have struggled to understand each other's feelings and needs, but it is out there in a healthy way. At this point, and of course it is subject to change if the Army assfucks us, these are the scenarios:
#1 Ideal
PCS to CA around 8/1/11, land at his parents until we find a rental home
I have obtained a job with affordable healthcare for the Fish fam!
Fish starts school in the Fall semester, we take a two week school drop
Childcare by Fish and a provider
#2 Doable
PCS to CA 8/15/11
I do not find a job and continue to collect unemployment and job search
Fish joins the reserves in order to provide affordable health care
Fish starts school in the Fall semester, we do not take any school drop in order to receive the maximum amount of pay and benefits.
We stay at his parents and move into a small affordable apartment until the time we can afford more
Childcare by myself
Both options are completely doable. Financially #2 is quite scary to be living on his GI Bill BAH and my unemployment as long as I have it, which is up in the air. We would go down to one car, that is fine, I cannot wait to get rid of that stupid Saturn. We would try to bring in more income as well. So we will just have to see what happens. I will just have to see how well I job search from Georgia during the post partum period.
I am not gonna lie, there is a part of me that wishes that we had another year of Army life. Yep I just wrote that I wished we could stay in Sweatyville another year. Why? Just to give us a chance to breathe post birth. As hard as it was to adjust, I have adjusted. We have carved out a very nice life here. Yes I continue to miss home terribly. I miss working. But I am really doing okay. I have a nice group of friends, they are very different than my previous peer group, but I truly enjoy the diversity they have shown me. While we financially are not saving like we wish we were, we are doing just fine. I am feeling the benefits of this lifestyle and would like to savor it a bit longer. But that is not an option.
And a large part of me just wants to get on with this post-Army life and get back to it. Yeah the rat race of California is beckoning. Life will certainly be more complex, but the rewards and growth will be huge. I look forward to making a difference in the lives of children with disabilities. I look forward to being around family, being a part of a functional family that loves and supports, watching my niece grow up, snowboarding again in Tahoe, eating all my favorite foods, giggling with my friends live. I look forward to Fish having the opportunity to live peacefully, pursue his education, and achieve his dreams. He deserves that. His military service has been awe inspiring. He will forever be my hero. What he has accomplished and what I have experienced due to his commitment will have forever changed me, for the better better better. It is time to boldly step forward in the direction of our next dreams.
We will live a life that honors service and family. It will just be outside the military and in one of the most expensive regions of our country. I have faith that we will figure this out.
Update: Well our data changed and thus everything changed again. We do not have enough leaved banked in combo with terminal leave to ETS before 9/15/11. So unless I have a job and we can afford to go with a school drop and forgo 6 weeks of salary and benefits we are here through fall and Fish will have to delay starting school a semester. Sigh.
Then there is the mess going on with my mother. I fear anything that I write about will be a public denigration of her. And while she deserves a good flogging, it is just not my way. I will say this, this is nothing new. What is new is how I am choosing to respond to it. I got myself an amazing therapist that is helping me enormously. In a nutshell due to her egregious behavior surrounding my wedding and move, I took a break from her. Not the first time. And then about a month ago she emotionally assaulted my sister and I with a coordinated multi-coast FEDEX. It is clarifying things, but it is also crushing. Processing this situation is taking a lot of psychic energy. I do not feel my blog is the best place to put all the crapola out there. It is sad and hard and healing.
I could post pictures of my cat?
AGAIN.
Nah.
What I can talk about is our ETS/PCS situation. I wish I could say things are becoming more settled, but this is the Army we are talking about. What is happening is that we are getting answers to our questions which is clarifying our options. So much is still up in the air and the best we can do is have a number of possible scenarios and wait for the data to come in. Then the path will reveal itself. I do feel we are being very purposeful about this process. Once again I appreciate the problem solving dynamic the Fish and I have. I am not gonna lie and say there hasn't been some moments where we have struggled to understand each other's feelings and needs, but it is out there in a healthy way. At this point, and of course it is subject to change if the Army assfucks us, these are the scenarios:
#1 Ideal
PCS to CA around 8/1/11, land at his parents until we find a rental home
I have obtained a job with affordable healthcare for the Fish fam!
Fish starts school in the Fall semester, we take a two week school drop
Childcare by Fish and a provider
#2 Doable
PCS to CA 8/15/11
I do not find a job and continue to collect unemployment and job search
Fish joins the reserves in order to provide affordable health care
Fish starts school in the Fall semester, we do not take any school drop in order to receive the maximum amount of pay and benefits.
We stay at his parents and move into a small affordable apartment until the time we can afford more
Childcare by myself
Both options are completely doable. Financially #2 is quite scary to be living on his GI Bill BAH and my unemployment as long as I have it, which is up in the air. We would go down to one car, that is fine, I cannot wait to get rid of that stupid Saturn. We would try to bring in more income as well. So we will just have to see what happens. I will just have to see how well I job search from Georgia during the post partum period.
I am not gonna lie, there is a part of me that wishes that we had another year of Army life. Yep I just wrote that I wished we could stay in Sweatyville another year. Why? Just to give us a chance to breathe post birth. As hard as it was to adjust, I have adjusted. We have carved out a very nice life here. Yes I continue to miss home terribly. I miss working. But I am really doing okay. I have a nice group of friends, they are very different than my previous peer group, but I truly enjoy the diversity they have shown me. While we financially are not saving like we wish we were, we are doing just fine. I am feeling the benefits of this lifestyle and would like to savor it a bit longer. But that is not an option.
And a large part of me just wants to get on with this post-Army life and get back to it. Yeah the rat race of California is beckoning. Life will certainly be more complex, but the rewards and growth will be huge. I look forward to making a difference in the lives of children with disabilities. I look forward to being around family, being a part of a functional family that loves and supports, watching my niece grow up, snowboarding again in Tahoe, eating all my favorite foods, giggling with my friends live. I look forward to Fish having the opportunity to live peacefully, pursue his education, and achieve his dreams. He deserves that. His military service has been awe inspiring. He will forever be my hero. What he has accomplished and what I have experienced due to his commitment will have forever changed me, for the better better better. It is time to boldly step forward in the direction of our next dreams.
We will live a life that honors service and family. It will just be outside the military and in one of the most expensive regions of our country. I have faith that we will figure this out.
Update: Well our data changed and thus everything changed again. We do not have enough leaved banked in combo with terminal leave to ETS before 9/15/11. So unless I have a job and we can afford to go with a school drop and forgo 6 weeks of salary and benefits we are here through fall and Fish will have to delay starting school a semester. Sigh.
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