Reverb Catch-up and Finish!!

December 31 – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

I wish I had realized this life lesson a long time ago. Perhaps someone tried to teach me, but my thick skull and ego didn't get it. But I had an epiphany the other day. Life is about trial and error. I have often said I am my own worst enemy and when I learn to get out of my own way, success comes. Well I just figured this out, life is trial and error. I have such high expectations for myself and I am so unbelievably earnest in my efforts. When obstacles and "failures" would occur, I would take it beyond personally. I would take it as a divine sign that I was a failure and would never be happy. Like seriously I did. In fact this mind set contributed to the dark years of my late 20's. I am so damn hard on myself. I get so embroiled in beating myself up that I end up immobilized when in fact a course correction and a time out was actually all the was needed. There are so many "stories" in my life where the light was dark, but I eventually pulled through and achieved what I wanted. I just wish I had been nicer to myself and hadn't been so discouraged. I am gonna tell more people about this important lesson.

December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

Oh this is hard. As I have written about, I am not a thing person so much. I value experiences and people above all. I guess I would have to say weathering the adjustment I experienced leaving my life in SF, moving cross country, becoming a wife, and adjusting to life in the South, being a Stay at Home Wife after striking out at getting a job, and building a life here. I firmly made it to the other side, my marriage was stronger for my pain (scary but true) as the hubs showed his amazing plumage (sorry for the cross animal refererce) and was once again my hero. The gifts of this hard road and hard fought battle will decorate me forever.

December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

6/16/2010
Touchdown in Georgia. After months, if not years, of planning and worrying (and yes a few panic attacks), I landed in the same region as the Fish. Yes after 22 months for the first time we would be living in the same place. From that moment on 8/13/2008 when I first laid eyes on the Hubs, so many moments had led to this. I was exhausted but exhilarated. A major meltdown was about to build from a slow burn to an inferno in terms of homesickness and grief for my former life. But I always knew this was the best decision of my life and I had no regrets. It was a major turning point not in just my year but my entire life. I had wondered if I could actually pull it off. Could I leave everything? Could I take this major leap of faith and marry this man and follow him where the Army sent us? There were some doubters and people that tried to derail this, but truly I always knew this was my manifest destiny.

December 28 – Achieve What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

Re-open my private practice in Southern California. I will feel that the dream is still alive!!!
1. Secure a salary job at an 80% rate which allows me time to build up my private practice.
2. Identify referral streams and prepare a marketing packet
3. Follow up on packet
4. Get website up and running
5. Update marketing materials, new brochure!!!
6. Make a list of possible test kits I need to order or have access to
7. Contact the attorney I used to consult with and find a comparable one in So Cal
8. Update malpractice insurance
9. Commit that this is going to happen
10. File a DBA in So Cal

December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Taking hot showers. I don't know why but this is like my new favorite thing. I mean I have always liked them, but lately it is like being reborn.

December 26 – Soul Food

What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Our wedding cake made by one of our Aunts. We didn't actually even eat it at the reception, but days later we did and I still think about it. That aunt made my shower cake, and seriously I think it was one of the things I looked most forward too. I love cake, what else can I say?

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

Taken at the end of our wedding celebration by our cousin. I was super happy that day. I strive to always be that happy and in love. Gag.

December 24 – Everything’s OK, and some realtime

Vacay in So Cal has been great despite me coming down with a nasty cold which has sucked balls. Today starts all the holiday parties and then come Monday I head up to SF for a client ($$$), friends, and another party. So far I have given my fab mother-in-law my cold. It has finally stopped raining too!!!


December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I've talked about this before, but peeing on a stick and seeing that we were pregnant and then at 10 weeks gestation getting the chromosome results back. I had been told at my age that it would take on average 12-24 months to conceive and that we had a 35% chance of first trimester miscarriage and chromosomal abnormalities. I was prepared as best I could be for the worst and instead got the best. I know how EXTREMELEY fortunate we are. Whenever life throws me a shitball or I begin to feel sorry for myself I just remind myself that the universe gave me the best and most important gift of all. We are bringing a life into this world. Getting pregnant so easily has truly changed me. I honestly worry less. I mean there are some big pieces of the life puzzle that have to fall into place in the next six months and at times I feel anxious about it. But I just tell myself that no matter what we will get through it. Our worst case scenario back-up plan is doable. We have people that love us, we have each other, and we will have a child. I need to spend less time worrying and more time living. I continue to be cognizant and make good choices and lots of plans, but I do not feel a state of anxiety anymore.

DECEMBER 23 – NEW NAME

New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

I honestly don't want to be anybody but myself.

December 22 – Travel

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

This kinda bums me out as I had hoped we would travel all over this new region of the US we are living in. So far nada. Between the Fish's crazy work schedule and finances we have gone no where. The beginning half of the year we were doing a commuter marriage so I was traveling between CA and GA every three weeks. For 2011 I am hoping a girls weekend in Nashville and maybe a babymoon to Savannah. Then in the summer we will travel back for our final PCS to CA. I am hoping once the baby fishy gets old enough and we get some funds we could take a honeymoon or something.

December 21 – Future Self.

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

Chill Hil! Try not to stress out so much and enjoy the day to day and what the universe brings you. Trust that you have the skills and resources to make it through any challenge. Keep saving money!!!

10 years ago: Save more money and worry less. The things that seemed like impossibilities will work themselves out.

I'm in CA and Reverb catch-up!

We made it to CA and it is awesome!!!! It was quite a haul traveling during the holidays 7 months prego. I will be taking 6 flights this trip and there will be 4 security check points. I was all ready to assert my rights on this first leg and despite walking by those scanners, the TSA was not "screening" anyone. We shall see what happens during the other three legs. My shower was yesterday and it was a ton of fun. It has been raining buckets, like nonstop for days on end. It is kinda funny since my nursery theme is Noah's Ark and we literally had to construct a bridge, which was later washed away, so our guests could enter the home! I don't know how much posting I will be doing while we are here until we get back home after the new year. But as my lovely insomnia allows I will try! I wish all of you out there in the blogosphere a wonderful holiday season. And for my milfamily with loved ones away, I especially wish you peace this New Year. Two years ago the Fish was in Iraq and I had a very hard time enjoying the holidays knowing what he was enduring. I did what I could, put on my best happy face, and was glued to my phone, I didn't care if I was being rude!! So I give you permission to do what you feel like doing, and if no one gets it, so be it! xo

Reverb Catch-up!

DECEMBER 20 – BEYOND AVOIDANCE

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing?
My wedding album. I have tried to do it numerous times on different photobook sights, and everytime I become overwhelmed and pissed off. I have enlisted the help of others and I am determined to get it done in early 2011!

DECEMBER 19 – HEALING
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I have not written much about this but I have an incredibly challenging relationship with my mother. The love of the Fish and his family has truly begun to heal some of these wounds. First to experience unconditional love has made it even more clearer how F’d up my mother can be. Second, it has given me the strength to begin to have appropriate boundaries to shield myself and my new family from further abuse. It took time to begin to heal and I have a feeling this will continue in 2011.



December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?
I have talked about this before but I am going to try to learn how to sew! I just had my baby shower and was given so many homemade items and I just love them. I would love to be able to do this for others. I honestly don’t think there is anything I didn’t try in 2010, everything felt new!


December 17 – Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
Wow this one is a bit tough. I have a big mouth and on way too many occasions I have let my mouth run and hurt other’s feelings. In 2009 I opened my mouth and really hurt one of my best friend’s. In the past such behavior has been friendship ending. Instead this friend decided to give me a second chance and I got my arse into therapy and really worked on understanding why I do this. I learned a lot and I hope it is enough to never do it again.

Reverb Catch-up!

December 16 – Friendship

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

My friends are such an integral and important part of my life. Each and everyone has brought something beautiful to my life but if I would have to pick just one it would be my dear dear friend Jen. I call her the real Angelina Jolie. She is a pediatrician who has traveled the world to help sick children. She adopted a baby from Vietnam. She has taught me how to be a true eco warrior. She has shown me how to walk your talk. She has shown me unconditional love throughout our friendship. Even her family has been there for me. I truly cannot imagine a world without my dear dear friend. I miss her and her daughter everyday. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt we will always be close friends. I trust her input and her friendship to the ends of the earth. We met about 8 years ago through mutual friends and bonded over making paperbag puppets. Over the years our professional respect for each other has grown and our emotional bond has strengthened. I hope she knows how much she means to me.

December 15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

Wedding, driving across country with a U-Haul, finding our first home, good-bye bon fire, wedding celebration, peeing on a stick, seeing the first ultrasounds, finding out 46 chromosomes and an X, combating homesickness and winning, the strength and love of the fish, loving our kitty, seeing the 27 eggs laid by our lizard, all the quite moments that the fish and I shared.

December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

Oh Moses, I am about to get really really mushy. I apologize. The power of love. I do not believe that all you need is love, or that love conquers all. But I do believe in the healing power of love. The love that is heaped upon me by the Fish and his family has truly been the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I do not wish to rag on my family. I am very fortunate. However, unfortunately I have a challenging mother who withheld love, used it as weapon and was not able to love unconditionally. It has scarred and traumatized my life in such incredible ways. I do not blame all my pain and foibles on her, but I do not know a profound detriment her issues have had on me. Not until I experienced true unconditional love from Fish and his family did I truly begin to heal and have appropriate boundaries. I never truly believed that I could have what I ached for my entire life, to be loved. I tell the fish and his family how much I love and appreciate them every opportunity I get!!!

December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

Well I have quite a few aspirations. The first has sorta begun which is my job search. I have begun networking and registering on the main website that posts jobs in my profession. I next will be identifying key school districts and organizations and begin marketing myself to them in the New Year. As positions post I will begin applying. I will compile 10 portfolios that are ready to go when needed. I have tentative plans for childcare if the need arises that I need to jet across country for an interview. G-D willing!!!!

We also have Operation Southern Balls VI: About Face. AKA Getting our arses out of the Army and back to California. Mostly the hubs has to do stuff, so I just monitor and worry about it.

I also have an idea for a book. After the new year I will be speaking with an esteemed and published author that is a milblog buddy about how I might go about it. I feel like this is a pipe dream but I am committed to my idea. I also want to find a co-writer bc I just know I do better when I have a collaborator on a project. Plus I think a professional writer would bring to the table what I lack.

So those are my next steps for the next six months. I have lots of other aspirations but I am focusing on the next six months.

PS: I am heading out of town for a few days to see a friend from SF who happens to live 3 hours away. Why it has taken me six months (ahem pity party) to go see her kills me! Fish is in the field and I am being proactive about filling my time. See me fight homesickness!!! I will try to update or do so after I get back mid-week.

December 12 – Body Integration

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

Ug this has been a fun year. The Hubs and I made a bet while he was deployed who would work out most. He won and came home ripped, I felt like we both won! I also got in pretty good shape and toned up. I had lost 35 pounds over the past two years and was ready to get it looking good. However then Hubs got back, we traveled and drank like "fishes" and then ate like pigs for the holidays. Then came 5 months of the trifecta of stress: wedding planning, job hunting cross country, commuter marriage, and shutting down my life. I sadly didn't have enough time to work out. I gained back ten pounds and lost my tone. When I hit Sweatyville I was committed to getting back in shape. Well 23 days after getting here I was preggers and forbidden from working out, which later turned out to be bunk advice!!! At 25 weeks pregnant I have gained 20 pounds which seems normal. My arms which are my greatest area of insecurity look like ham hocks. I am working out a few times a week, but could probably do more.

But honestly despite all these ups and downs I feel great about my body. I have never had more awe and appreciation for my body than I do now. I mean I look hilarious but I really don't care. I am making a human!!! I hope for 2011 after I push out this fishy out to get back in shape.

Reverb December 11 – 11 Things

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

I have never been a pack rat and try not to hold onto things. In fact when the army moved us we had less than a third of the weight allotment. So what shall I get rid of?

11. The remaining hoochee shirts. I kept a few, but I pretty much no longer feel comfortable showing that much of the girls in public. And let's be honest with 40 facing me down, it is kinda pathetic looking. Plus who knows what they will look like post pregnancy.
10. Old linens. I hold onto these because I think I will use them for cleaning. They take up a lot of space.
9. DVD's. These aren't really mine, but the hubs has hundreds and they take up a lot of room on book shelves and I would rather have books. This will be up for negotiation but I will try.
8. Hangers. I have a very odd assortment and I would really like to get the space saving ones. Plus the hubs and I will most likely be sharing a closet after our move back to California, so we will need the space.
7. Old electronic gear. I have camera's, cords, computers, that I am afraid to throw away. Back in California I will find a recycler.
I have had to ask the hubs for six more as I am out of ideas, I got rid of a shit ton of stuff before my move to Sweatyville.
6. Fake plants. In truth I only have one in the bathroom right now and I think it adds a nice pop of greenery. I maybe had two more before, but I have held onto them. If they do not find a new home in our new home I will toss them.
5. Anxieties. I know not a thing but hubs and I cannot think of anymore. I am way less anxious than I used to be but I would like stop worrying about what if's and just trust the universe more.
4. My lack of motivation to work out. If I get in the groove it is not an issue, but once it has set in it is pretty bad.
3. My tend to procrastinate and cyber-slack at work. Obviously not as applicable anymore but it could be again.
2. My lack of desire to do laundry. I own over a 100 pairs of underwear for a reason.
1. Clutter, figurative and literal. I don't have much around the house but I would like less. Especially around my desk area, that is my dumping ground. We even have an area in the house we have named the dumpster bc we dump everything there.

I am not sure how getting rid of these things will change my life, I guess we will just have to see!

Reverb December 10th: Wisdom

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

There have been so many. But one that impacts me on a daily basis is where the hubs and I decided to live. We never really considered living on Post, but that meant it would be quite a bit more complicated to find a home. I researched and found two property management companies in our new town and arranged for us to be pre-approved to rent a property. We rolled into town with a U-Haul in tow at 10am and began seeing properties. The first company gave us a list and some keys. As we drove by the first property I told the hubs "You don't need to slow down." It was that bad. We decided to wait until after lunchtime to meet with the other property management company and see what they had. They turned out to be awesome. They drove us around for several hours and we saw many properties. We ended up choosing a duplex that was several hundred dollars under our budget!!! We moved in that night! It has been a bit tiny, we had to rent a storage space, but we do really like our place. It is very cozy and the perfect newlywed first home. The location is great and we have loved sprucing it up. And since I have remained unemployed the low rent has been super!

Reverb December 9th

December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

Well that is easy! It would have to be our wedding reception Memorial Day weekend. We wanted something fun, casual, and not too expensive. We went with a catered backyard BBQ at a family home. The venue was gorgeous, weather perfect, food outstanding, DJ rocking!! It was supposed to end at 8 and the cops shut us down at 11:30. We were all still on the dance floor. It came out so gorgeous and everyone had a great time. The feeling of having your most beloved people all in one place, celebrating your love, was truly one of the most magical parties of my life. And we came in well under budget!!!

Reverb December 8th

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I think that what makes me different is that I have no problem saying whatever happens to be on my mind. I have been told I have no shame. I admit that I like to say things that will shock people. It is entertaining for me. I also like to keep it real, and pretending to feel a certain way is just not me. I try to be polite and respectful, especially when I am in a professional setting. In social settings, not so much.

Case in point: Recently someone asked me what faith the hubs and I would be raising our child, given we are interfaith-I am Jewish, Hubs was raised Catholic-ish but is agnostic. I replied:

"It is very simple, Jewish vagina = Jewish child."

Jaws dropped. I really thought I was simply explaining Jewish law regarding religion in clear terms.

OH HAPPY JOY JOY!!!

I just booked a private practice client for when we are in California. That means that I will be flying from Southern California to Northern California for a few days to collect a fat fee and see my beloved peeps. I am beyond excited. I didn't think I would be able to make it up North given the costs. However, now I will be making us some serious cabbage. And I get to go "home". THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!!

Update on the TSA sitch. The ACLU and I are working on getting an OP-ED published regarding my concerns. TSA Hear me roar!!!!

Reverb December 7th

December 7 – Community Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I have completely joined the ranks of the milspouse family!! Living near post and all my friends here are milwives. The milblogosphere was my community for quite some time before I PCS'd here. I would really like to connect with the Jewish community in my current town. I am going to be working towards that. I also hope when we make our final PCS home in Summer 2011 I become established in the Jewish community again. I miss it.

Reverb

I'm gonna give this a try!



December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

A Hanukkah feast! Food! I want to learn how to sew so I can make pillows and curtains. I will be taking a class next month.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

Wow I let go of a lot this past year, my single life (but not self, some traits are still in there). A few friendships whom I felt were not adding to my life but rather taking away. It was hard, but as I was making the transition to my married life, a few people showed that they just didn't have "much use" for me anymore. I let them go.

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)
By being emotionally present and reflecting on what was occurring in my life. I did as much processing as I could. I had so much change in the past two years, I wondered excitedly about the future.

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail

1/4/10-The moment I married Fish. Our ceremony was less than romantic. But at that crazy moment amid the tackiness and schlock, I knew I was exactly where I was destined to be and every moment of my life had led to my holding his hand under the tacky arch made by convicts. 7/13/10: A tie of moments was when I peed on a stick and confirmed what I already knew-I was pregnant. It was truly one of the best moments of my life. I had worried that this would never happen to me, and then with amazing ease we were expecting. I get teary just thinking of it right now.

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

I tell myself that what I want to write about is bitchy whiny and I need to not indulge the urge. I should try to write more positive.
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

Change. After 37 years I left the only region of the world I had ever lived in, my single life, my career-got married, moved across country and became a stay at home house wife. Never before has my axis tilted so much. Keeping my head on straight while still enjoying the joy of all the change has been a huge challenge. At six months out I do feel I have firmly made it to the other side. And honestly, besides knowing this is the best and worst moments of my life, I am a better person for it. I wouldn't change a thing!

My word for next year: Beginnings. G-d willing we will see the beginning of our son's life. I am scared shitless and very hopeful we will be capable parents. We will begin our post-military life in Southern California. I am scared shitless and very hopeful that everything will work out; move across country, find a job, Fish starts school and his GI Bill comes in, we find a home that we love, we manage childcare, we continue on the happy trajectory we are on. I am hoping we are beginning to not have so much change.

Hanukkah: The Festival of Lights

I love the holidays and was a bit worried about how they would be this year given the distance and my hormones. However, once I knew my beyond awesome in-laws were going to be here for Thanksgiving I began to feel quite optimistic. Then we knew we were going home for Xmas and I was beyond thrilled. However, that left Hanukkah. In the past I have spent an evening with each set of parents and then had several gatherings with friends. What would it be this year? Mr. Fish and I are inter-faith and have done well blending our holiday traditions. But, how would I celebrate Hanukkah out here without my tribe-mates? It bothered me.

Then last Tuesday I had a really horrible day. It had been quite some time since I had such an awesome meltdown. I was coming off my in-laws leaving and was missing them horribly. My homesickness had made a roaring reappearance. Super. I had a beyond stupid and insulting interview for a nanny position. I am not even gonna go in details. I couldn't find someone to take care of our kitty when were back in California. Then I spent another day struggling with my health insurance and the health providers here in Sweatyville. I was having another horendous bout of asthma and was on my way back to the ER for a second trip. Despite being loaded up on meds and using a home breathing nebulizer up to seven times a day. I just kept getting sicker and couldn't get into an asthma specialist. My internist and OB were out of ideas. I was out of breath walking across the room, my lungs sounded like a freight train and I generally felt like shit. Then that evening I went babysitting out in a torrential downpour. The pittance I made didn't even cover my gas or the Hub's dinner bill at Chick-Fill-A. I was beyond despondent laying in bed sobbing and moaning that I just wanted to go home. I wanted to go to my pulmonologist who would fit me in the same day, I wanted to go back to working and making lots of money. I wanted family around. It was ugly.

But the sun rose the next day and my efforts the day before had paid off. I had an appointment with an asthma specialist who got my breathing under control. He was quite horrified at my state, was breathing at 71% lung function. NOT GOOD. I decided to quit babysitting. Enough is enough. And then I set about pushing back against my feelings. I contacted every single person I knew here and made as many plans as I could. I went shopping with some milwives and bought some UGGS that I had been wanting for years. And I planned a Hanukkah dinner feast.

I love to entertain. Truly not much makes me happier than having a house full of people. And I love to cook. I figured, what the heck. So what if I was the only Jew at the table? We were fucking celebrating Hanukkah!!! On Friday night we had two other couples over, (friends of the Hubs from his last duty station). Our guests had never had Jewish food let alone celebrated Hanukkah. I decorated the house. I made the following from scratch: matzah ball soup, kugel, latkes, and brisket. I taught a brief lesson on the meaning of the holiday and we played dreidel. We all had a blast!!!

The next day I was posting pics on Facebook and one of my new milwives friend's commented that she wanted some Jewish food. Well, in true Jewish tradition I had more than twice the amount of food leftover that I had needed. Hell we had only eaten about three pounds of the eight pound brisket. A kugel was left and plenty of matzah ball soup. In a matter of hours we had another dinner party for six. I reheated the leftovers, they were even better the second day and made fresh latkes. We had another blast!!!

I woke up this morning breathing easy literally and figuratively. Could I have somehow possibly regained my mojo?

Happy Hanukkah y'all!

My pretty table:

How I learned what an Eastern King was

Another post from the past:

My mother like most mothers wants nothing more than for me to be happy. However, like most Jewish mothers she has a very clear idea of what it takes for me to be happy. Namely, marrying a nice Jewish professional. Problem is I am not particularly attracted to Jewish men; their personalities, coloring, and body hair patterns, don’t exactly excite me. So my mom is kinda panicking as I progress through my 30’s in happy singlehood. She asks me if I would allow her to set me up with someone. And for no other reason than thinking this would get her off my fucking back for a few months, I say yes.

Here are the guy’s stats. 37. Jewish (of course). Israeli born parents but he was raised here. Very successful attorney. Philanthropic, he is on the board of the JCC with my step-dad. We correspond via email, and text, and voicemail for like a month before we are actually able to meet face to face. But that is okay because that is when I was harboring a fugitive who I thought was in love with me. I claim Stockholm Syndrome. A story for another blog.

Anyhow we meet up and I am not repulsed completely, which is a start I guess. Of course he is blown away by me. Now I know that sounds snotty, but it is true. We have a nice time, nicer than I thought. He is super smart, which is a huge turn on for me. And we basically talk for 4 hours straight about interesting things. He doesn’t get any alcohol and states he rarely drinks. I have two drinks and think to myself, perfect designated driver. I am not sure I can see myself getting naked with him, but I am really trying to lead with my head instead of my vagina. So I decide if he asks we will go on a second date. We hug good-bye briefly, what a gentleman.

We go out a week later and he comes to SF, he lived in San Jose. He brings flowers. Nicely played. We go to an outdoor concert, I make an amazing picnic. I love to make picnics by the way. We have a nice time. It is a Sunday and I go to trivia at a neighborhood pub in the evening. There is no way he is meeting my friends just yet. He has court in the morning, he goes home.

The next week I meet him after work at his house. Cool, recon. He owns his own home. He gives me the nickel door, some interesting decorating choices but I can repaint. Then when we are in his bedroom I spy his big bed and say:

“Oh you have a king bed, I have a king bed too.”

He replies, “But is yours an Eastern King?”

I ask, “I have a California King. What the fuck is an Eastern King?”

“Well I actually had to special order it from the East Coast. It is shorter but wider than a Cal King. That way you do not have to touch the person.”

I reply, “You do realize you just said that out loud right?” He giggles. I call him the next day and thank him for all his kindness but I really do not see this progressing beyond friends. He is bummed and asks me if I will tell him why. And you know I really appreciate his interest in personal growth. So as I trained professional I gently give him this constructive feedback.


"It just would have never worked. I think you are a great guy with a lot to offer to someone, but you would simply do not have enough mojo to make me happy.”

He told me he appreciated my candor and wished me well. Now here is the really really funny thing. He is Israeli so his parents gave him a Hebrew name. When you say it in English it sounds like………… ...wait for it…………ALONE! I cannot make this shit up. And well, word on the street is that Alone is still alone. I am dating a goy now and couldn’t be happier. (Update: ended up marrying that goy, who is truly my beshert/soulmate. Cheers to following your vagina!)

Fish Homestead Update:

After a momentous laying of 27 eggs our female lizard Georgia was placed back in the 100 gallon enclosure (aka the Titanic), only to be sexually molested all day by our male lizard Henry with repeated humping attempts. We now have TWO enclosures in our front room.

Our beloved kitty Stormy, who we rescued from the wilds of Georgia is currently coming down off of her surgery meds. She is delusional, quarantined to the bathroom and hissing at the potty.

Tomorrow 3 ball pythons will join the 2 hognose snakes on the built-in shelves on the mantle.

Half of my linen shelf for the next 60 days will house the egg incubator. Where will the 27 baby lizards go?

Dinner table discussion tonight: Which is "better"? Being married to a psychologist or herpetologist. Please weigh in.

TSA, Oh it is ON like Donkey Kong

I knew this was swirling around but hadn't really connected to it until reading Unlikely Wife's excellent Blog Post:
http://unlikelywife.blogspot.com/2010/11/tsa-has-lost-its-damned-mind-no-really.html
Well it got me going. Just like UW I have personal, political and humanitarian reasons to oppose these policies. For me I will be flying next month 6 months preggers and there is no way in HOLY FUCKING HELL I am going through that scanner. You expect me to trust the "research" completed by the company that sells the scanners? How fucking stupid do you think I am?

So that leaves me with the invasive physical search. I am fortunate to have never experienced sexual assault. However, that does not mean that having someone besides my husband or a medical professional touch my body is okay. Um no. It feels like a massive invasion of my privacy, psychological wounding, and just dang wrong. I truly feel for the all the individuals with histories of assault that are being "forced" to undergo this screening. How many of us have been next to a combat vet when a loud noise goes off and we see them violently flinch or better yet hit the ground? I have. And my heart breaks for them. Their wiring has been damaged. For victims of abuse their wiring has also been damaged, and yet we are asking them to put that aside for the sake of "safety". Yeah good luck with that. Tell that to their neurophysiologic reaction that will activate physiological and psychological sequelae as the TSA touches them.

I posted the above title of this blog post on my facebook paged and quite a discussion arose. Trust me there was quite a discussion in my own home. My hubs and I have very divergent beliefs on certain matters. However we respect and appreciate each other's unique viewpoints. One of my FB friend's is a soldier and of course she had a unique perspective, which I acknowledged. Any issue is complex and there are a multitude of viewpoints. I pride myself on being able to separate my narcissistic feelings and appreciate the totality of an issue. I do not respect other individual's opinions when they cannot respect mine, and/or cannot back up their beliefs and rather just regurgitate crap.

I do appreciate there are brave men and women giving their lives for our freedom. Trust me I do. However, that does not mean I hand over my rights. They have fought to preserve those rights so in part I shall honor their fight by fighting for my rights.

I will not go through the scanner if I am selected. Therefore I must submit to a physical search if I wish to travel. Yes traveling is a choice. And if it was feasible to drive across country preggers I would. I realize freedom has a price. I have been talking with my local ACLU who will be monitoring my case. I have been given some directives on how to proceed through the security check. I will not be able to record my experience. I respect that my husband has asked to choose a different security line, for me to use my maiden name, and not disclose his occupation. He has not asked me to refrain from honoring my beliefs.

TSA in the name of safety (psychological and physical) we must come up with a better solution.

The calm before the storm, and being Thankful

A very odd conversation took place in our household this past week. I often initiate talks about our feelings, I am a psychologist after all. I like to refer to them as emotional check-ins and somehow this is slightly more palatable to my infantryman hubs. I noticed some stress-related behaviors in the hubs and asked him about his current stress level.

He began to list off all the things he was concerned about. And yes they were all things that had also crossed my mind, but I really wasn't too currently worked up about them. SHOCKING!!! I honestly shared that I wasn't too worried about much at the present moment. Yes, on the horizon there is a shitstorm to worry about. But currently, meh. Things are pretty easy. Sure there is the usual life crap. I mean we just came off a pretty craptastic run that set us back almost 3 large: new engine, tires, dryer broke, vet for kitty, new enclosure for the lizards-yeah everyone is getting popcorn balls for the holidays. But well that is life shit, it is gonna happen and that is why we save!

Today and for the next four months my life is going to consist of filling my time, enjoying my husband, cooking a baby, and living my life. Come spring there are some big tasks ahead: becoming parents and all that entails, finding a job cross country while taking care of a newborn without friends and family around, Hubs will ETS from Army and make sure that the Army doesn't assfuck us, and that his school drop and terminal leave occurs the end of June, Hubs will get enrolled in school and his GI bill comes through, moving across country and finding and setting up a home. Now that is a storm. I worry how we will manage all that, but I know we will.

This is part of the thingy. For the first time in my life I don't feel alone to suffer and endure the trials and tribulations of life. When shit would hit the fan prior to my married life, I would call and cry to my dad who would be sympathetic and do what he could, my friends were supportive, but at the end of the day, it was up to me to get back on my feet. This pull myself up from the bootstraps molded me into a strong and self-sufficient person. But I gotta tell you the suffering on my own was really hard and scary. One of my favorite things about marriage is knowing I am in this life thingy with someone else. We are equally invested in making life smooth and happy. On a regular basis we stop to congratulate ourselves on how well we are doing.

That brings me to the calm. I have been feeling calm. And like that is never an adjective anyone that knows me well would use to describe me. Ever since coming back from my trip to SF I have really felt good. I mean I have my Hilary and hormonal moments where I cry about shit. It just doesn't stick though. I just do not have the sadness that I was carrying around the first months I was here. Not much pragmatically has changed. I still do not have a job and have resigned that I won't have one. I struggle to have a social life but people flake 75% of the time (I have been keeping data). I have way too much empty time on my hands. But I have somehow adjusted to this. The past few weeks hubs work schedule has been pretty light and he has been around a lot. He has been an angel. Even when his new video game came out, he still turned it off to watch Glee with me.

Right now life is a piece of cake. I got this. What has clearly changed is my attitude. I am perceiving my reality differently. I am usually a pretty positive person. I look at life not just as half full, but overflowing with good. I think I just went through a very rough patch. It was a massive adjustment and I had unrealistic expectations. I just couldn't take the disappointment.


I look at what the Hubs and I have right now and I am so incredibly thankful. While he has seen a side of me like never before, and not in a good way, I have seen such a wonderful side of him. Not that I ever doubted it was there. Warning: I am going to wax poetically about my husband-barf. But seriously, it needs to be acknowledged.

I got quite a bit of crap and judgment (a tidbit even from myself) for being single for so long. What I knew was that when I married it was going to be to the right person. A person of extreme character and integrity. I had such a hard time finding that, in addition to great chemistry. I just found potential mates to be so disappointing from a character standpoint. I found them weak, d-bags. The usual status and religious things really didn't matter to me. Yes they had to be intelligent, responsible and stable, but beyond that the degree, profession and religion didn't matter. My approach was often questioned as I dated people from all walks and places. I was often criticized for dating beneath myself. I was like, whatever, go fuck yourself. What was important to me was the person.

When I met the future Mr. Fish I quickly realized that this was a solid person. The second weekend we were together we were dealt with a mini-shitstorm and he was awesome. He showed his true colors and I paused on the great chemistry, took notice, and realized this could be more than a fling. And from that day forward I have never been disappointed in his character. Life dealt me a solid when he walked into my life.

So I have been feeling quite thankful lately. While this year here is different than I had hoped on some accounts. On others it has exceeded my expectations. The quiet of our life here has allowed us to really bond. That sounds so corny and I kinda barfed in my mouth as I wrote that. But it is true. The first 19 months of our relationship, were spent apart. In that time the first 5 months of our marriage was spent apart. Having this time, even though I am in his grill all the time : ) , has been really amazing for us.

We have had the chance to become us, with very few distractions. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I had my past social life, family commitments and career there is no way we would have had the moments we have had. I have had the opportunity to become a wife. We have had the opportunity to build a marriage. We have had the opportunity to really get to know each other. I have gotten the opportunity to breathe, to take myself off the treadmill I have put myself on my whole life and just be. In many ways be my best me. Emotional outbursts/meltdowns and all.

I will be forever thankful for this time we have had. Life will never be this calm again. For now I am gonna cherish this time.

Friday Milspouse fill-in

1. A different twist on last week’s question. This week, the first question is: what’s the nicest thing a MILSPOUSE has ever done for you? (brought to you from navy_smurfette)
Give me advice and normalize my feelings.
2. How often do you drive faster than the speed limit?
Well I have been pulled over 3 times since I moved here 5 months ago, and I have gotten one ticket. However before this I had not gotten a speeding ticket in 7 years.
3. Did you have a nickname in school? If so, what was it?
I gave myself the nickname BJ which was a take on my initials because I thought my name was too girly. I quickly lost that nickname when I found out it stood for something else.
4. If your life was a book, what would the title be and how would it end?
Gosh this is tough, maybe something to do with never giving up, and I would want a happy ending where I had a healthy family.
5. Look back (in your planner if you have one) to September 14th… what did you do that day?
There is nothing down, but seriously that is SSDD these days.

Home for the Holidays

Seriously the hormone rollercoaster of pregnancy has been such a trip. I would never call myself emotionally unstable, but I feeeeeeeeeeeeeel my emotions. And well being knocked-up these emotions take on a whole new trajectory. Basically I spent all of last week crying, and that is not even including my usual cry fests while watching episodes of Teen Mom. I was so broken hearted over not going home for the holidays. Even though rationally I knew it was not the end of the world, far from it.

When Mr. Fish told his parents we were not coming home I laid on the couch in the fetal position with a woobie WAILING!!! Not pretty. Then the phone calls started coming. His parents and aunt started lobbying hard. I swear to G-d I have newfound respect for the Catholics ability to use guilt as a weapon of persuasion. These folks have got nothing on my Bubbe.

In a nutshell they offered to fly us home as a Xmas present. I was floored. We spent a few days trying to decide if we should take them up on the offer. I do not believe in hand-outs, especially as an adult. We felt we should reserve our out-stretched hands for a dire situation. But in the end, there is no other present I would rather have than time with the people I love. I am not a thing person. In my mind riches are not figured out on a balance sheet, but rather through the embrace with those you love. So we took them up on their offer.

WE ARE GOING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!!

I am so happy. I cried with happiness too. Mr. Fish's aunt said the holidays just wouldn't be the same without me there. That last year was the best holidays they had had in a long time. Maybe it had something to do with the situation I recorded below. Yeah my in-laws rock!

I hate cars

I have a long history with cars being the bane of my existence. No other facet of my life has had such a pervasive role of ass-fuckery than cars.

My streak began at 16 when I inherited from my older sis a 1973 Toyota Corolla. The year was 1988. My mother only "allowed" me to drive in the three cities surrounding my hometown. She would check my mileage ever week to see how much I drove. I had an allotment. In my devilish wisdom I learned how to reach under the dash and unplug the speedometer. Now I didn't know how fast I was going but there was also no way to track those trips to the beach and beyond. One afternoon as I was driving home from Berkeley which was way beyond my boundary the car started doing funny things around the city of Moraga. I turned up the radio, the song was "Don't worry be happy." Swear to G-d. I had to get this car back to my area of operation. Sadly parts started falling out on the highway and I managed to get off the road. AAA was called and I begged to be towed to Walnut Creek, even though that was beyond the 5 mile towing rules. Somehow I was successful. The next day when my mother and I the mechanic looked that the car I was asked, "Where is the engine?" I had to lie and say I didn't know but I was driving on Ygnacio Valley Blvd down the road, when in fact I was on Highway 24 15 miles away. My mom insisted we get in her car and go looking for the parts. Shocking we didn't find it.

I had saved $1400 from my mall job working at "Above the Belt". Honest Abe that was the name of the store. They sold all the cool jeans that had zippers at the ankles and I was able to buy some really rad jeans! I bought a 1980 powder blue VW Rabbit. I was quite proud of myself. That thing broke down all the time. But being a VW I was at times able to Mac Gyver it and fix it. It had vinyl seats and no air conditioning. Looking back recently at my high school year book people actually wrote that they hoped I didn't have any more car break downs. The rabbit lasted until my sophomore year of college and broke down all the time. Eventually AAA wrote me that my membership was going to be revoked due to my 11 tows in 7 months. They also mentioned that had used car loans. To my shock I got approved for a loan!!! I bought myself a three year old Toyota Tercel for payments of $132 a month. I was waitressing and teaching Sunday school, running youth groups, I could totally afford it. I was thrilled.

Two weeks after I bought this car someone plowed into me and totaled the car. Luckily no one was hurt. I was devastated. I still hadn't sold the Rabbit, so I cruised around in that until I got another loan and another car. Thus began the era of the Barbie Mobile. It was Dodge Daytona, white with a red pinstripe and pop-up head lights. I was balling!!! This car was quite good to me. Never broke down, though I bashed in several sides of it. I had the car six years which continues to be a record. Once I finished graduate school I immediately went out and bought a brand new car. It was an Acura CL 3.0 and let me tell you then I was really balling!!! I paid $464.00 a month. But I could swing it with my killer new job.

Six months after I paid it off the transmission blew. The cost of the repair was worth more than the car. I knew better than to get a new car and set off to get a used car. I had a Subaru outback which remains my most favorite vehicle. I loved that car. Three years into having this car the engine blew. It was worth less than I owed on it. I got another used car loan and a loan to pay off the dead Surbaru. For nearly two years I was making TWO car payments. It killed me. I should also mention I have always done the requisite oil changes and 30/60/90/120K maintenance. Mechanics told me it was bad luck. Hmm.

That brings me to my current car, my Jeep Cherokee. It is a 2007 and had less than 30K miles on it, I put down 5K and got a loan for 10K and have reasonable payments. I like the car okay. Six weeks after getting this car it broke down in the middle of nowhere at a pie stand on the side of the road. I was driving my friend and I home from her parents' Xmas in Sonora. Literally middle of nowhere, hours from home. It was still under warranty and we had it towed to the nearest dealer hours away and had to be rescued by my friend's parents. Super. Miraculously the dealer couldn't find anything wrong with the car and my dear Dad drove me to retrieve the Jeep. The next day I took it into my local dealer who could find nothing wrong with it either. I had done some research and suggested it was the starter motor, they laughed at me and sent me home. 4 days later as I got in my car to go to work the Jeep wouldn't start. It also happened to be street cleaning day and I got a ticket while waiting for the tow truck. I appealed it and lost. Insult to injury. When I got to the Jeep to the dealer the guy literally said, "Quick get it on the rack before it fixes itself." Oy. It was in fact the starter motor and they fixed it.

10 months later I am in Southern California visiting my future-in-laws during my then boyfriend's post deployment block leave and the fucking Jeep breaks down again!!! At this point it was beyond warranty and the warranty on the repair was passed. However, I raised a shitstorm and insisted I wanted a brand-new starter motor versus a refurbished one and I was not paying a cent. The car was fixed at no cost to me. That was about 11 months ago, I am holding my breath. Oh yeah when my parents were out here the Jeep broke down on all of us and cost 700 to fix.

At this point the hubs and I are in serious contemplation about his truck. He has a huge payment on it, it needs new tires, 2K in cost, and it just isn't practical given our soon to be bigger family. We need the money that is going to the car payment to go other places, and we need a backseat. So we decide to get rid of the truck and buy an inexpensive car where we will not have payments. We got a used Saturn for 3K outright. The hubs was quite good about loosing his truck, we did also go buy some snakes for him that weekend. (The snake issue is a post for another time.)

We literally repeatedly high fived ourselves for being so fiscally responsible. Six weeks later, this past Monday. The god damn fucking engine blew up!!!! I never drove this car in fear that my car curse would spread. We reviewed our options, they weren't that good. We just can't afford two car payments. We could survive, painfully, on one car, but that would be a short-term solution. Come this summer when we are back in California we will need two cars. We painfully decided to shell out $1500 to put a used motor in the car. Luckily in our meager savings we have it. But that means no going home for the holidays. No having a baby shower. It seriously hurts.

I won the in-law lottery and I love the holidays with them. I love them. They were throwing the shower. My family just doesn't do those kind of things. It is breaking my heart but we just can't let our savings go that low to spend $1000 on plane tickets home. I hate cars.
It is not the end of the world. Next year we will be home and celebrating the baby's first holidays with everyone. In not so long we will be home. It just hurts. It just bugs me to no end that once again cars are causing me such strife. I do my best to keep it in perspective. It is only money, it is a fixable problem. What is most important in life, our health, the health our family and our future baby are good. We have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. We will survive not going home for the holidays. I will see my baby niece often when we live nearby. We were there last year. I will hopefully have other baby bumps to share with my loved ones.

It just hurts today. I will get past it. I hate cars.

Going home, coming home.

I recently got back from an incredible week in San Francisco. But first some updates. First, the job. OMG I don't even know how to explain the asshattery going on. After the position closed I was called and asked to come in for an interview. Interesting. I had already interviewed for the position and they offered me the position. Or so I thought. But okay. As I am pulling into the parking lot 15 minutes before the start time, I get called and told the interview was cancelled. Huh? Apparently the proper HR channels hadn't been followed and thus they couldn't meet with me. However, I managed to get some face time and learn some more about the position. To my pleasure I learned that my three school sites had in fact been staffed until a few weeks ago. That quieted much of my revulsion. I was told I would be called for an interview when everything was put in place. That was almost THREE WEEKS AGO!!! Seriously. And my due date has been moved up by 12 days thus I would be working at BEST 4 months, minus the four weeks of school vacations. And that is dependent on a big IF I get offered the position. Yeah I am not going to be working. So be it. The job was never good for more than a back-up plan. And things are looking good for the school drop and moving back West in July!!! That is so not long at all.

Going home was really incredible. Having never before left Northern California I just didn't know what it would feel like to leave everything and everyone behind. I have been slowly adjusting. What I missed most was my friendships. I by no means had a bad childhood, but there was quite a bit of family drama. My parents separated a few times and finally divorced when I was tween. We had no extended family members in the area. Personally I found that as my parents' marriage broke up, the focus was no longer on the family, but on them rebuilding their lives. I was left to fit into the new dynamics. I spent a lot of time alone biking to my activities. My friends became my second family. I guess until I left I had not fully realized how crucial that support was. Here in Sweatyville I've got the Fish. He does the best he can but he works a lot (the two previous weeks he was in the field the entire time). It was rough. He came home to a hormonal and grumpy wife desperate for a talk about feelings. It was not pretty. At one point I told him he sucked. One of my lowest moments in this relationship. I will be haunted by that for quite some time.

Back in SF I stayed with one of my closest friends. Yes I slept on the couch but it more was like being in my own home. We have a very special friendship and it was wonderful to be able to spend quality time with her and her beautiful daughter. I basically packed as many playdates in as I could. I also scheduled a private practice client. I took public transportation, I walked all over the place. I saw every single person that I wanted to. I had lots of talks about my feelings.

To my great relief my friendships were still there and strong as ever. I know it has only been four months, but I worried it would change. The closeness and love wouldn't be there. And I seriously needed it. I needed the continuity that my life here has lacked. EVERYTHING IS NEW. The Fish worried about my emotional state upon my return. But honestly I have been so much better. Just knowing I can go home and still experience what is so important and crucial, makes me feel grounded. I never expected my husband to fill all my emotional needs. But sadly it has fallen upon him these past months as I felt desperate. I no longer feel that way again. I feel like my life is being added to, I do not feel such a profound sense of loss anymore. That feels very very good.

It is official

I am calling an end to my pity party. It is over. I am done. Sure I might have more hard days but no more sitting on the couch for days, weeks on end, feeling sorry for myself, watching TLC and HGTV for hours on end. I needed to grieve for my old SF life, but it is time to move on. It is time to embrace (the suck) what is ahead of me. While some of you might think I have been a whiny bitch, (partly true), because I have been so fortunate in the past year-I counter. I am still entitled to feel what I felt. There are no such things as bad feelings, it is how you manage your feelings. I managed them the best I could and that is all I can ask of myself. Just because there was good juxtaposed with the bad, doesn't invalidate the pain. I am a big believer in this. HUGE.

But time is marching on and I am healing and adjusting. I am feeling motivated to engage in the life here beyond the walls of my home. I am making playdates with new friends, I am being real with them. I am not playing happy army wife. I am being Hilary who is having a hard time. What I have experienced by being real has been an out pouring of "Oh I felt the same way." I mean I knew I was not alone, I was just pissed at myself for not doing a better job of adjusting. I can be so hard on myself. Also I was just a bit pissed, at no one in particular, that the life I had worked so hard to cultivate in SF was gone. Life changes, but dammit I was not ready to let go I guess. I am still not. But I am okay with the fact that my life is changing and there is much good today and the days ahead.

I am feeling like my badass funny self once again. Oh how I missed me!!! And through this I have once again validated that I married my soulmate. Never once did he get impatient with me, make me feel bad for feeling, not listen. He did nudge me that it was time to end the party, but trusted I would when I was ready.

I leave for SF in a week and I am very happy that I will arrive there feeling whole. But I have a feeling that I might be happy to come back to this new life I am creating in Georgia. Imagine that.

Trying to make the right decision

I sometimes really wish I could be one of those people who lives for the moment. Takes each day as it comes. Has faith that I will know what to do. But I am simply not wired that way. Never have been. I have been called a worry wart since I was a little kid. The positive side of this personality trait is that I don't make impulsive decisions, I am usually prepared, I am able to handle most of what comes my way. I might get pretty emotional in the thick of it, but I am rarely caught with my pants down. I respond, I don't react. But I also drive myself crazy planning and preparing and worrying and worrying and worrying.

My latest source of consternation is this job situation. I actually do not even have the job. Apparently when I got the phone call 12 days ago from one of the current school psychologist's she was simply telling me there was now a position and seeing if I was still interested. I had "pre-interviewed" back in March and was told I was "pre-qualified" for the position. Then no openings happened and I stagnated. Until I got that call 12 days ago. Since 12 days ago the job was posted and just closed yesterday. I got called today and asked if I could interview again on Friday. Okay.

So I don't really have this job and all these cognitive and emotional gyrations could be for not. Maybe they have a better candidate? However again I am just not wired to wait and see, and then make a decision. I have to figure out how I feel about it right now. Even if it is all hypothetical.

So hypothetically speaking this is how it could all possibly roll out. If I do get the job I will start the school year close to three months in. The three schools I will be assigned to have gone without a psychologist since the beginning of the school year. I will be faced with a mountain of work on top of learning a new system. No small feat, but I know I could do it, it would be painful. I would be leaving the school year two months early to birth. I counted the days, I would actually be working 86 days total out of a 210 day contract. If I "take" the job I would have a backup plan (financial and health care) if we couldn't get back to California. From a dollars and cents perspective I would be earning a $1000 less taking this job versus continuing to collect unemployment. And that is after taxes.

If I declined the job I would be counting on getting back to California and I would have significantly less stress the remainder of the pregnancy. But I would have that nagging feeling that when the hubs does ETS on 11/30/11 unless I got a job in California we would be up shit's creek. However, I do have faith that somewhere in California I would find a job. It may not be exactly where we want to go but it would be somewhere on the left coast.

Is it better to stay in Sweatyville where I don't want to be or roll the dice and hope I get to where I want to be?

The rational part of me says take the job, suck it up, and do everything in my power to get back to California. Worst case scenario I have a miserable five months working and then I leave. However, the emotional part of me has a revulsion to taking this job. The 50K salary cut (wince) makes me want to vomit. I would make less than I did when I was an intern 14 years ago!!! That I would say is 45% of my revulsion. The idea of starting a job so in the hole and then leaving early, is so not my way. I am a bit of a perfectionist. I finish what I start. I do not do things half assed. I give something my all. I feel like there is no way I will be able to do this job up to my standards. I started a school psychologist job once late in the school year, October 1st, and it sucked. That entire first year I was digging myself out, it took the entire school year. So the late start and early end are 35% of my revulsion. But I was in that job for the long haul. I ended up staying three years until I moved to Sweatyville. I was invested. I do not feel invested in this job. I feel like I am taking it out of fear that we will not land on our feet.

Taking the job would be the safe decision, the responsible choice. The money for the next 10 months is negligible. The money for 10 months beyond . . . if things don't pan out in California, then the money would mean feast or famine. (I ran this by my parents and they said we could live with them, HA! love them). Qualitatively I cannot think of a good reason to take this job. I have slowly adjusted to house wifery. I can do this for another six months. I am making friends, I have gotten a few babysitting jobs (10$ bucks an hour!!!). I also worry that if I take this job I will create a safety net that will prevent us from really galvanizing ourselves into getting our assess back to California. That is the remaining 20% of my revulsion.

I do best when there is a fire beneath me. As long as I have planned for it that is. But truthfully I am usually prepared. Now I have to see if I get an actual offer.

Facing Sobriety

Given my condition I have not been drinking. I really miss beer but I am managing. Not that we were huge drinkers, but we drank beer at home and usually had a drink when we went out to dinner. Socializing often involved drinking, not to excess but enough that we couldn't drive home. Since I had lived in the big city most of my adult life we rarely had a DD, we just took cabs or the bus. So lately when I have been sipping juice from my wine glass (hey it's more fun that way), it has been a new experience.

Now before you start thinking how dare she complain about staying sober, that ungrateful bitch!! This is not complaining, this is reflecting. There is a difference.

At first I thought I would be highly bored on these nights when everyone else around us were drinking. Well in three months I think last night was the second time I was truly sitting on the bench. We had another couple over for dinner, we are trying to make friends! Cleaning up the debris included two six packs of beer, two bottles of wine, and a half empty bottle of wine. Not bad for three people. I was hoping we would play apples to apples, that didn't happen. I actually had a great time! You might think it is pathetic that at my ripe old age that I am just now discovering that I can have a good time sober. It's not like previously I could only have a good time drunk. It's just that I have had a really good time drunk. And if the occasion involved alcohol I always imbibed.

I like to think I have an outgoing and witty personality and drinking only made that better. I worried that would I still be the life of the party sober? Well not really, but would I feel like I was part of the party and having fun. Last night I felt every bit a part of the party. And being sober made it that much easier to make fun of the drunk people.

Mil Spouse Friday Fill-in

I'm gonna give this a try!



1. What characteristic about yourself has either been strengthened or weakened due to your experience as a Military Spouse? (from The Albrecht Squad)
I have gotten more comfortable with a level of chaos. I knew life was unpredictable before, but it has gotten way worse. I have also become more go with the flow.

2. What is your favorite vacation spot and why? (from ‘Tis the Life of the Army Wife)
Any beach area that allows me to scuba dive. Beauty and activity, the best combination.

3. If you could have any fast-food restaurant in the food court on base/post what would you pick? (from The Only Pink in a House of Blue)
I really do not like the food court at our PX. In fact I have texted the hubs the following "Food is vile here." But I am not a big fast food person. I once tried the tuna salad from some sandwich place and it was "vile" I usually go over to the commissary and find something.

4. Where did you go on your honeymoon? (from Pennies from Heaven)
We didn't have one. But we did take a mini-moon six months laters after our party to Santa Cruz. The best part was kayaking through Moss Landing.

5. If you could have any job in the world regardless of money, degree or experience, which job would you have and why? (from Proud to Be a Navy Family and The Calm Before The Storm)
Owning a snack shack on the beach. I love the beach, it calms me. Getting to chat with random people who are in a good mood, that would rock.

Can I get a Hallefuckinglujah?

Seriously I have felt more like myself the past few days than I have in months. Crazy right? Part of me feels like such an asshole. I mean honestly did I have a right to complain? I am having a healthy pregnancy. That is probably the biggest gift life can give you. Many of my friends have struggled with this. It has been heartbreaking. And I have sulked about not having friends and a job. Sheesh!! But I have always believed feelings are feelings and like eye color there is not much choice you have over them. You can manage them yes, but tailor them so they are appropriate, not always.

So knowing that our baby boy has all his chromosomes and that I have a job has led me to feel happy. Also having Mr. Fish's grandparents here was wonderful. I love love love love his family and having them around reminded me of the wonderful life that has turned into mine the past few years.

So it's all good in this hood, though I am feeling a bit of guilt for being such a shit. But honestly, I am just so happy to feel like me again. And can I tell you how happy Mr. Fish is to see a real smile on my face again? Now he can let go of his guilt for dragging me to this Army Post. We are quite a pair. Let's hope baby fishy is less neurotic than us.

Double good news!

Traction is an interesting thing. When things start moving things can really start moving. I am also a bit suspect that perhaps my attempts at an attitude change led to some good things.

I have been sitting on something pretty big for awhile now. We made it no secret to our friends and family that Mr. Fish and I would be trying to start a family STAT. Given my age I knew the odds so we got moving. I am someone who is used to doing things the hard way. Not that I am saying poor me, but life was not handed to me on a silver platter. I worked for everything I had and made my fair share of mistakes. Everything was a process and a learning experience and I would often reflect on why life didn't come so easily to me. It sure seemed to be that way for others. I know me so envy.

I fully expected fertility to be an issue. I was wrong. We got pregnant the first cycle we tried. I was shocked. We both were. I had been in Georgia 23 days to be exact and wham we were pregnant. Then I immediately began worrying about the next statistics, miscarriage and chromosomal abnormalities. I finagled every test imaginable, no easy feat with Tricare I tell ya. Well on Friday morning I got the call from my horribly painful big needle in my abdomen into the placenta test. 46 chromosomes and Y. We are having a boy and he is due to arrive on April Fool's Day! I firmly believe that is a wink from G-d. We are beyond excited and I am beyond appreciative of my body for giving me this gift so quickly.

Once I found out and I was able to temper my excitement I started planning and worrying. I know I am such a fun sucker. Given that I was unemployed with no possible job in sight I began to crunch numbers. It occurred to me that unless the planets aligned perfectly come ETS in 11/11 (end of Mr. Fish's contract with the Army) we would have a 7 month old and no income. SHIT! How's that for responsible parenting??

The following needed to occur: I would get hired by a school district back in California in the same geographical region as Mr. Fish was accepted to a University which would allow him to obtain a school drop (aka get out the Army early pass) so we could all move back to California in August with our four month old. Yes that means I would be job searching as I was birthing et. al. I mean it could work out. But there was no backup plan. Unless you count moving in with our parents at the ripe old age of 40 with our newborn. Not pretty.

I continued to apply for nanny jobs for which I am lucky if they offer five dollars and hour, but I would take it. In an effort to be honest I have told people I am pregnant and that pretty much ends that. Back to laying on the couch trying not to feel sorry for myself. I have really worked at having a better attitude the past few weeks. I was in a place of acceptance. This is what it is going to be like for the next 6 months, it will be just fine. I would remind myself how fortunate I was to have a loving husband and a fetus growing inside of me. For the most part this was working and I was slowly adjusting. But I would worry about the future.

Then Friday came. I got the call from the perinatal clinic telling me the chromosomes were fine and we were having a boy. I knew it was a boy. Mr. Fish wanted a boy too. Then two hours later I get another phone call. This time from a school psychologist with the school district here offering me a job as a school psychologist. We are six weeks into the school year and they just now offer me a job. Like no fucking way! I spit out that I was pregnant and I was told not to tell HR. Okay fine by me. Suddenly two major monkeys have been lifted from my back. Our baby is going to be okay and I have a back up plan.

Two hours later the grandparents arrived. I cannot tell you how incredibly happy I have been to be surrounded by family. To have family celebrate with us our wonderful news. We have had a great weekend with them. They ended up parking their RV in front of our house. Thank G-d I scrubbed the tub because they have used it several times!!!

I am again reminded how fortunate I am. I am sure I will figure out a few more lessons from the sulking I have inflicted on myself and those around me these past few months. For now I am going to just relish these feelings I am having. They are not forced feelings where I try to talk myself into not feeling what I am feeling and into feeling what I am not feeling. They are just real honest to goodness genuine feelings of happiness that the universe is presenting me with the life I want.

Grandparents are coming!

I am so excited. Mr. Fish's paternal grandparents texted us (they are just that cool) on Monday asking us when would be a good time to visit as they are RV'ing through the South. I of course said anytime because basically I have nothing but crockpot luncheons scheduled, and I can always miss one of those. I told them weekends are better since Fish works long hours. So they are coming this weekend! We had no idea they were even in the area.

This has given me some motivation this week to get the house in order and do things like scrub that bath tub which I have been putting off. I totally know when using our facilities Grandma will peek behind the shower curtain, I know I would. My parents came and visited but I wasn't too worried about impressing them, I mean they love me no matter what. Though the house looked great when they got here. I am determined to make a good impression so the gossip on the street is all positive.

I am super excited for a number of reasons. I do think this will help with my homesickness to be around familiar folks and I crave grandparents. Both of my grandfathers passed before I was born and both of my grandmothers lived far away. One passed when I was 7 and the other when I was 13. I never felt like I had grandparents that were an active part of my life. Mr. Fish's family is huge and I love all the family gatherings. Alright I am off to dust!

Today's activity

A crockpot luncheon. Bring your favorite recipe. Since I do not own a crockpot I will be bringing drinks. Yep this is my life now. Got an interview to be a nanny for 5 bucks an hour. That is truly the best I could find after months of searching. And yeah I still don't actually have the job. Let's see if I get hired.

I think this is what they call embracing the suck in the Army. Well I plan to be damn good at it. No more pity parties. I am sucking it up and driving on. However I reserve the right to make fun of myself.

Funny as shit

Recently we got a kitten in our household to go along with our two lizards and four snakes. This cute little Siamese kitten found us and we have taken her in. However, I am super allergic and despite taking as much meds as I can I am still suffering. But honestly she keeps me company on long days of alonenesss. But she is a bit of a shit. We are hoping this is just due to her being a kitten and that she will grow out of it. Basically she bites. I mean like she starts attacking my ankles or wrists like a maniac and will not let up. I will hide under my favorite woobie but she is relentless. And seriously it hurts and interferes with my viewing of Real Housewives.

My cousin who is an animal behaviorist told us to redirect her with an appropriate toy to bite. That works about 50 percent of the time. When that fails we give her a time out in another room. Usually she just resumes her obnoxious behavior when we let her out. Well now she is big enough to jump up on our dining table. Last night she jumped up as I was waiting for Mr. Fish to sit down. I had made a yummy salad and luckily there was no dressing on it. So she jumps ups but lands on the placemat and takes it with her along with the salad bowl all onto the ground. I was not pleased. Dust buster to the rescue.

So we have taken the behavior modification up a notch. We got out the squirt bottle. This is the thing. The squirt bottle in the hands of Mr. Fish takes on a whole new meaning. The man hunts that cat down. I am talking numerous repetitive pumps. She is halfway across the room and he is still going at her. He had it on stream at first but I insisted on spray after watching his glee. I had to remind him the kitty was not an insurgent. But I gotta tell you it is funny as shit to watch him do this. It is effective, not really. You probably want to turn us in huh?

The insurgent rests:

We're learning!

They joke about things being slower in the South and truly it is no joke. I have been pulled over three times in the two months I have been here and received one speeding ticket and Mr. Fish has gotten two speeding tickets in the last week! Mostly it seems to happen when we are traveling out town on these lonesome highways and go through small towns. We always show our military ID's which seems to help get the speed reduced. The last time I started crying, that seemed to help too. Hey anything to help the cause.

This past weekend we traveled down to Florida to visit with my cousin and her adorable family. Our goal was no speeding tickets and we were successful! GO US!

Marriage Retreats and Attitude Shifts

I have avoided blogging the past two weeks since every time I sat down the same whining garbage spewed forth. Things are pretty much the same, but I am trying to have a better attitude about it and remind myself the no job, friends, money is only temporary and in 14 months I could be back in California dancing on rainbows and eating lollipops. And seriously it is really not that bad. My hubs has been great and our life is good, I am just bored, which is the death of me. Nothing worse than being bored in my world. I will push on.

This past weekend Mr. Fish and I went to an Army Marriage retreat with his brigade. He got to take Friday off and we went down to the Florida beach. The hotel was super nice. Unfortunately it stormed the entire time so we didn't get to enjoy the beach much. And yes this time Mr. Fish got a speeding ticket. Must get rid of those California plates. Oh yeah, I did go to court and got the fine and speed reduced, and the judge all but admitted the cop was an arse. That made my day.

Back to the retreat. OMG!!! It was led by the brigade chaplain so I was guessing there would be a religious bent, but seriously the crappola that was extolled was mind boggling. Basically for the first two days we watched videos by some guy who was a minister. He started off with a "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" shtick. Which was okay and somewhat entertaining, though there was some questionable material. However, the final two DVD sessions really drove it home. I shit you not these statements were said and presented as fact:

• Withhold sex from your husband's so they will do chores
• Premarital sex will ruin your marital sex life
• Porn is very very very bad and will ruin your marital sex life
• Masturbation is unhealthy and you don't have really orgasms when you masturbate.
• Psychologists are nitwits (that was said several times)

I do understand that a chaplain put on the retreat so I did expect some grace before meals, but this utter and complete horse shit? And like no one seemed to mind?? I was looking around hoping to make eye conversation with someone "Are you also smelling this colossal pile of dog doo?" But nope everyone was nodding along, at least the people I looked at. At the end the video they had people in the audience on the video stand and hold hands with their partners and apologize for their sins!!! And people at the retreat were crying during this!!!! Then the chaplain led us in a prayer for our marriages, I almost threw up. Mr. Fish kept telling me not to take things so seriously.

And ya' know he has a point, we had a nice free mini-vacation and perhaps I should just take it for that. But still. This is what bothers me the most. This was a missed opportunity. They had about 30 couples for 3 days and this is what they choose to do with their time? Given everything milfamilies have experienced in the past 9 years and the toll it has taken on families, they choose to go on an anti-wanking crusade? Really? How about teaching some resiliency skills for deployments and military life? How about some basic relationship skills? I mean I think Dr. Phil could have done a better job and I loathe Dr. Phil. I could have done a better job with simply whipping out some Steven Covey and Chicken Soup books. Missed missed missed opportunity.

Mr. Fish after listening to my rant for like the 11th time, kindly and politely said, you know you have some great ideas maybe you should do something with them. He has another great point.

Treading along

Call it the dog days of summer but I am ready for fall. Perhaps the change of seasons will help me get off the pity pot I have installed on my sofa. I am not as down as I was in the past but I am still a bit down there. I guess I have come to that stage in my grief for my former life where I am at acceptance. Yeah this is my life for now and it is up to me to make the best of it. There is plenty of best, no doubt about that. I could make a list if I wanted to be all sunshine and rainbows, but that is just not me.

What have I done? I have begun applying for jobs in earnest again, so since April I have applied to 56 jobs. I have had two interviews and no offers. I am sure this is how it is for many out there but this is not how it was for me. Last time I needed a job I had three offers within a day and a half of looking. I realized I very well might not get a job in my area of specialization, educational psychology, but I thought I would find something in the mental health/education/child centered field. I have always joked there is job security when working with the crazy and ankle biters. NOPE. But I am going to keep trying. For now I have unemployment. We are paying our bills just fine. It's just that debt is not getting paid down, nor are we saving like I would like. Not to mention the complete impossibility of a honeymoon. But that is life and a problem we can live with. We have everything that is most important, our kitty, lizards, snake, internet, cable, cars, our family and friends from afar and of course each other. So it is really not that bad from a financial vantage. The emotional is the bigger problem.

My circle of trust have made many good suggestions, though I gotta say I had already thought of most of these.

Volunteer!

This is gonna sound extremely snotty, I realize this. But I have worked in the helping field for over 15 years and to go volunteer is not going to make me feel all mushy and purposeful inside. Yes it would give me something to do, but I am not big on giving away the pretty. Sure could it lead to a job?, perhaps. Maybe I will get the stick out of my ass and see about it.

Get a hobby!

Well, how do I say this without sounding snotty again? I am not a hobby girl. Never have been. What do I like to do? Work. I have loved having a career and have excelled at it. That gave me purpose. That gave me entertainment. That gave me intellectual stimulation. What I did for fun revolved around being active (which sadly I am prohibited from doing right now) and spending time with my friends (let's not go there right now). So perhaps now is the time for a new hobby. Anyone got any ideas for something cheap and social?

But truly it is not as gloom and doom as it sounds. Bring on a rainbow! Let me try to get all Pollyanna on my ass. The hubs and I are doing fantastic!!! Would it be so if I was all busy and wound up in my career? My parents came and we had a great visit, I bawled saying good-bye, pretty! Living somewhere very different is good for me, I know this, bitching and all. It is only temporary and will be over before I know it. Blah Blah Blah.

I am going to book my ticket for a trip back home in October for a wedding. Thank G-D!!!

Sooooooooooo not in California anymore

Got pulled over twice on my drive back from Florida. Must get rid of my California plates. First one was let off bc his printer wasn't working. Second one got hauled into the court house and told that I could either be put in the slammer until my court date or pay up. Apparently Geogia and California do not have a compact, whatever the fuck that means. It was a speed trap and I was trying to slow down, I was going 66 in a 55, I had someone riding my ass and another car on my right. The prick of an officer told me I should have just let the car hit me. Yeah like I was going to do that with my 70+ parents in the car. Was also told a bunch of very derogatory anti-California messages. My court date is on the 19th. They are going to see the biggest can of California whoopass they have ever seen. I just might enjoy this.

Throwing myself a pity party starting right now

I hate that I feel this way and that I feel compelled to blog about this, but it is the truth. I am feeling sorry for myself. And man am I pissed at myself for feeling this way. Also being a professional head shrinker, I know I should not be getting mad at myself for having feelings. There is no such thing as a wrong or stupid feeling, it is what we do with our feelings that matters. Blah Blah. So I shall blog and vent to ya'll. I guess I just feel that feeling this way is a bit ungrateful. I finally got what I wanted; I found a life partner and we are getting to live the dream. The problem is that it is in the South and I have lost my life and slowly my mojo. Here is the evidence:

• I no longer seem to care if I look like ass. I count it as a badge of honor if I have not showered or left the house all day.
• I like to call utility companies and complain about the charges. Today was Georgia Power. How can our bill be 180 a month for a two bedroom shack when we conserve like crazy. I spent 45 minutes on the phone debating Public Utilities Policies (I personally think they are shafting us and taking advantage). It's true, I enjoyed the social interaction and intellectual challenge.
• I have started frequenting the drive-thru's of fast food joints. And I never ate fast food. It is too hot to cook, even tuna fish bc my fucking house will not get below 82 fucking degrees but my car will. So an air conditioned trip to MickeyD's is a treat. Don't mind the gas-whore that I am being in my SUV.
• I have been a grouch to my husband and had a long talk with him about the proper way to put the kitchen bag in the container.

KILL ME NOW!!!

I am trying to get a job to no avail. I am enjoying my unemployment insurance though. Oh don't judge I have been paying my taxes for 27 years and have been getting butt fucked by being middle class. See I am even being grumpy with you.

Don't even start with the friends stuff. It has gotten worse. I went to another meet-up thing. After 90 minutes of trying to start a conversation about something besides our husbands, I had to leave. I calm myself by going to TJMAXX. I can no longer afford Target.

So are you having fun at my pity party. Sucks right? How sorry do you feel for me right now? Not much, I don't blame you.

My parents are getting into town this evening and that will be AWESOME!!! My dad, my great step-mom and I will be heading down to Florida Wednesday to visit my cousin and aunt and uncle. That will be amazing. After they leave I am committing myself to doing something about this lamo attitude. I am smarter than this. I got game, I am cool. There has gots to be a cool person out there I can be friends with. Right? There has gots to be a job that pays more than my unemployment insurance, right?

So I need to eat a STFU sandwich for now. Do they have those from a fast food drive thru?