Trying to make the right decision

I sometimes really wish I could be one of those people who lives for the moment. Takes each day as it comes. Has faith that I will know what to do. But I am simply not wired that way. Never have been. I have been called a worry wart since I was a little kid. The positive side of this personality trait is that I don't make impulsive decisions, I am usually prepared, I am able to handle most of what comes my way. I might get pretty emotional in the thick of it, but I am rarely caught with my pants down. I respond, I don't react. But I also drive myself crazy planning and preparing and worrying and worrying and worrying.

My latest source of consternation is this job situation. I actually do not even have the job. Apparently when I got the phone call 12 days ago from one of the current school psychologist's she was simply telling me there was now a position and seeing if I was still interested. I had "pre-interviewed" back in March and was told I was "pre-qualified" for the position. Then no openings happened and I stagnated. Until I got that call 12 days ago. Since 12 days ago the job was posted and just closed yesterday. I got called today and asked if I could interview again on Friday. Okay.

So I don't really have this job and all these cognitive and emotional gyrations could be for not. Maybe they have a better candidate? However again I am just not wired to wait and see, and then make a decision. I have to figure out how I feel about it right now. Even if it is all hypothetical.

So hypothetically speaking this is how it could all possibly roll out. If I do get the job I will start the school year close to three months in. The three schools I will be assigned to have gone without a psychologist since the beginning of the school year. I will be faced with a mountain of work on top of learning a new system. No small feat, but I know I could do it, it would be painful. I would be leaving the school year two months early to birth. I counted the days, I would actually be working 86 days total out of a 210 day contract. If I "take" the job I would have a backup plan (financial and health care) if we couldn't get back to California. From a dollars and cents perspective I would be earning a $1000 less taking this job versus continuing to collect unemployment. And that is after taxes.

If I declined the job I would be counting on getting back to California and I would have significantly less stress the remainder of the pregnancy. But I would have that nagging feeling that when the hubs does ETS on 11/30/11 unless I got a job in California we would be up shit's creek. However, I do have faith that somewhere in California I would find a job. It may not be exactly where we want to go but it would be somewhere on the left coast.

Is it better to stay in Sweatyville where I don't want to be or roll the dice and hope I get to where I want to be?

The rational part of me says take the job, suck it up, and do everything in my power to get back to California. Worst case scenario I have a miserable five months working and then I leave. However, the emotional part of me has a revulsion to taking this job. The 50K salary cut (wince) makes me want to vomit. I would make less than I did when I was an intern 14 years ago!!! That I would say is 45% of my revulsion. The idea of starting a job so in the hole and then leaving early, is so not my way. I am a bit of a perfectionist. I finish what I start. I do not do things half assed. I give something my all. I feel like there is no way I will be able to do this job up to my standards. I started a school psychologist job once late in the school year, October 1st, and it sucked. That entire first year I was digging myself out, it took the entire school year. So the late start and early end are 35% of my revulsion. But I was in that job for the long haul. I ended up staying three years until I moved to Sweatyville. I was invested. I do not feel invested in this job. I feel like I am taking it out of fear that we will not land on our feet.

Taking the job would be the safe decision, the responsible choice. The money for the next 10 months is negligible. The money for 10 months beyond . . . if things don't pan out in California, then the money would mean feast or famine. (I ran this by my parents and they said we could live with them, HA! love them). Qualitatively I cannot think of a good reason to take this job. I have slowly adjusted to house wifery. I can do this for another six months. I am making friends, I have gotten a few babysitting jobs (10$ bucks an hour!!!). I also worry that if I take this job I will create a safety net that will prevent us from really galvanizing ourselves into getting our assess back to California. That is the remaining 20% of my revulsion.

I do best when there is a fire beneath me. As long as I have planned for it that is. But truthfully I am usually prepared. Now I have to see if I get an actual offer.

Facing Sobriety

Given my condition I have not been drinking. I really miss beer but I am managing. Not that we were huge drinkers, but we drank beer at home and usually had a drink when we went out to dinner. Socializing often involved drinking, not to excess but enough that we couldn't drive home. Since I had lived in the big city most of my adult life we rarely had a DD, we just took cabs or the bus. So lately when I have been sipping juice from my wine glass (hey it's more fun that way), it has been a new experience.

Now before you start thinking how dare she complain about staying sober, that ungrateful bitch!! This is not complaining, this is reflecting. There is a difference.

At first I thought I would be highly bored on these nights when everyone else around us were drinking. Well in three months I think last night was the second time I was truly sitting on the bench. We had another couple over for dinner, we are trying to make friends! Cleaning up the debris included two six packs of beer, two bottles of wine, and a half empty bottle of wine. Not bad for three people. I was hoping we would play apples to apples, that didn't happen. I actually had a great time! You might think it is pathetic that at my ripe old age that I am just now discovering that I can have a good time sober. It's not like previously I could only have a good time drunk. It's just that I have had a really good time drunk. And if the occasion involved alcohol I always imbibed.

I like to think I have an outgoing and witty personality and drinking only made that better. I worried that would I still be the life of the party sober? Well not really, but would I feel like I was part of the party and having fun. Last night I felt every bit a part of the party. And being sober made it that much easier to make fun of the drunk people.

Mil Spouse Friday Fill-in

I'm gonna give this a try!



1. What characteristic about yourself has either been strengthened or weakened due to your experience as a Military Spouse? (from The Albrecht Squad)
I have gotten more comfortable with a level of chaos. I knew life was unpredictable before, but it has gotten way worse. I have also become more go with the flow.

2. What is your favorite vacation spot and why? (from ‘Tis the Life of the Army Wife)
Any beach area that allows me to scuba dive. Beauty and activity, the best combination.

3. If you could have any fast-food restaurant in the food court on base/post what would you pick? (from The Only Pink in a House of Blue)
I really do not like the food court at our PX. In fact I have texted the hubs the following "Food is vile here." But I am not a big fast food person. I once tried the tuna salad from some sandwich place and it was "vile" I usually go over to the commissary and find something.

4. Where did you go on your honeymoon? (from Pennies from Heaven)
We didn't have one. But we did take a mini-moon six months laters after our party to Santa Cruz. The best part was kayaking through Moss Landing.

5. If you could have any job in the world regardless of money, degree or experience, which job would you have and why? (from Proud to Be a Navy Family and The Calm Before The Storm)
Owning a snack shack on the beach. I love the beach, it calms me. Getting to chat with random people who are in a good mood, that would rock.

Can I get a Hallefuckinglujah?

Seriously I have felt more like myself the past few days than I have in months. Crazy right? Part of me feels like such an asshole. I mean honestly did I have a right to complain? I am having a healthy pregnancy. That is probably the biggest gift life can give you. Many of my friends have struggled with this. It has been heartbreaking. And I have sulked about not having friends and a job. Sheesh!! But I have always believed feelings are feelings and like eye color there is not much choice you have over them. You can manage them yes, but tailor them so they are appropriate, not always.

So knowing that our baby boy has all his chromosomes and that I have a job has led me to feel happy. Also having Mr. Fish's grandparents here was wonderful. I love love love love his family and having them around reminded me of the wonderful life that has turned into mine the past few years.

So it's all good in this hood, though I am feeling a bit of guilt for being such a shit. But honestly, I am just so happy to feel like me again. And can I tell you how happy Mr. Fish is to see a real smile on my face again? Now he can let go of his guilt for dragging me to this Army Post. We are quite a pair. Let's hope baby fishy is less neurotic than us.

Double good news!

Traction is an interesting thing. When things start moving things can really start moving. I am also a bit suspect that perhaps my attempts at an attitude change led to some good things.

I have been sitting on something pretty big for awhile now. We made it no secret to our friends and family that Mr. Fish and I would be trying to start a family STAT. Given my age I knew the odds so we got moving. I am someone who is used to doing things the hard way. Not that I am saying poor me, but life was not handed to me on a silver platter. I worked for everything I had and made my fair share of mistakes. Everything was a process and a learning experience and I would often reflect on why life didn't come so easily to me. It sure seemed to be that way for others. I know me so envy.

I fully expected fertility to be an issue. I was wrong. We got pregnant the first cycle we tried. I was shocked. We both were. I had been in Georgia 23 days to be exact and wham we were pregnant. Then I immediately began worrying about the next statistics, miscarriage and chromosomal abnormalities. I finagled every test imaginable, no easy feat with Tricare I tell ya. Well on Friday morning I got the call from my horribly painful big needle in my abdomen into the placenta test. 46 chromosomes and Y. We are having a boy and he is due to arrive on April Fool's Day! I firmly believe that is a wink from G-d. We are beyond excited and I am beyond appreciative of my body for giving me this gift so quickly.

Once I found out and I was able to temper my excitement I started planning and worrying. I know I am such a fun sucker. Given that I was unemployed with no possible job in sight I began to crunch numbers. It occurred to me that unless the planets aligned perfectly come ETS in 11/11 (end of Mr. Fish's contract with the Army) we would have a 7 month old and no income. SHIT! How's that for responsible parenting??

The following needed to occur: I would get hired by a school district back in California in the same geographical region as Mr. Fish was accepted to a University which would allow him to obtain a school drop (aka get out the Army early pass) so we could all move back to California in August with our four month old. Yes that means I would be job searching as I was birthing et. al. I mean it could work out. But there was no backup plan. Unless you count moving in with our parents at the ripe old age of 40 with our newborn. Not pretty.

I continued to apply for nanny jobs for which I am lucky if they offer five dollars and hour, but I would take it. In an effort to be honest I have told people I am pregnant and that pretty much ends that. Back to laying on the couch trying not to feel sorry for myself. I have really worked at having a better attitude the past few weeks. I was in a place of acceptance. This is what it is going to be like for the next 6 months, it will be just fine. I would remind myself how fortunate I was to have a loving husband and a fetus growing inside of me. For the most part this was working and I was slowly adjusting. But I would worry about the future.

Then Friday came. I got the call from the perinatal clinic telling me the chromosomes were fine and we were having a boy. I knew it was a boy. Mr. Fish wanted a boy too. Then two hours later I get another phone call. This time from a school psychologist with the school district here offering me a job as a school psychologist. We are six weeks into the school year and they just now offer me a job. Like no fucking way! I spit out that I was pregnant and I was told not to tell HR. Okay fine by me. Suddenly two major monkeys have been lifted from my back. Our baby is going to be okay and I have a back up plan.

Two hours later the grandparents arrived. I cannot tell you how incredibly happy I have been to be surrounded by family. To have family celebrate with us our wonderful news. We have had a great weekend with them. They ended up parking their RV in front of our house. Thank G-d I scrubbed the tub because they have used it several times!!!

I am again reminded how fortunate I am. I am sure I will figure out a few more lessons from the sulking I have inflicted on myself and those around me these past few months. For now I am going to just relish these feelings I am having. They are not forced feelings where I try to talk myself into not feeling what I am feeling and into feeling what I am not feeling. They are just real honest to goodness genuine feelings of happiness that the universe is presenting me with the life I want.

Grandparents are coming!

I am so excited. Mr. Fish's paternal grandparents texted us (they are just that cool) on Monday asking us when would be a good time to visit as they are RV'ing through the South. I of course said anytime because basically I have nothing but crockpot luncheons scheduled, and I can always miss one of those. I told them weekends are better since Fish works long hours. So they are coming this weekend! We had no idea they were even in the area.

This has given me some motivation this week to get the house in order and do things like scrub that bath tub which I have been putting off. I totally know when using our facilities Grandma will peek behind the shower curtain, I know I would. My parents came and visited but I wasn't too worried about impressing them, I mean they love me no matter what. Though the house looked great when they got here. I am determined to make a good impression so the gossip on the street is all positive.

I am super excited for a number of reasons. I do think this will help with my homesickness to be around familiar folks and I crave grandparents. Both of my grandfathers passed before I was born and both of my grandmothers lived far away. One passed when I was 7 and the other when I was 13. I never felt like I had grandparents that were an active part of my life. Mr. Fish's family is huge and I love all the family gatherings. Alright I am off to dust!

Today's activity

A crockpot luncheon. Bring your favorite recipe. Since I do not own a crockpot I will be bringing drinks. Yep this is my life now. Got an interview to be a nanny for 5 bucks an hour. That is truly the best I could find after months of searching. And yeah I still don't actually have the job. Let's see if I get hired.

I think this is what they call embracing the suck in the Army. Well I plan to be damn good at it. No more pity parties. I am sucking it up and driving on. However I reserve the right to make fun of myself.

Funny as shit

Recently we got a kitten in our household to go along with our two lizards and four snakes. This cute little Siamese kitten found us and we have taken her in. However, I am super allergic and despite taking as much meds as I can I am still suffering. But honestly she keeps me company on long days of alonenesss. But she is a bit of a shit. We are hoping this is just due to her being a kitten and that she will grow out of it. Basically she bites. I mean like she starts attacking my ankles or wrists like a maniac and will not let up. I will hide under my favorite woobie but she is relentless. And seriously it hurts and interferes with my viewing of Real Housewives.

My cousin who is an animal behaviorist told us to redirect her with an appropriate toy to bite. That works about 50 percent of the time. When that fails we give her a time out in another room. Usually she just resumes her obnoxious behavior when we let her out. Well now she is big enough to jump up on our dining table. Last night she jumped up as I was waiting for Mr. Fish to sit down. I had made a yummy salad and luckily there was no dressing on it. So she jumps ups but lands on the placemat and takes it with her along with the salad bowl all onto the ground. I was not pleased. Dust buster to the rescue.

So we have taken the behavior modification up a notch. We got out the squirt bottle. This is the thing. The squirt bottle in the hands of Mr. Fish takes on a whole new meaning. The man hunts that cat down. I am talking numerous repetitive pumps. She is halfway across the room and he is still going at her. He had it on stream at first but I insisted on spray after watching his glee. I had to remind him the kitty was not an insurgent. But I gotta tell you it is funny as shit to watch him do this. It is effective, not really. You probably want to turn us in huh?

The insurgent rests:

We're learning!

They joke about things being slower in the South and truly it is no joke. I have been pulled over three times in the two months I have been here and received one speeding ticket and Mr. Fish has gotten two speeding tickets in the last week! Mostly it seems to happen when we are traveling out town on these lonesome highways and go through small towns. We always show our military ID's which seems to help get the speed reduced. The last time I started crying, that seemed to help too. Hey anything to help the cause.

This past weekend we traveled down to Florida to visit with my cousin and her adorable family. Our goal was no speeding tickets and we were successful! GO US!

Marriage Retreats and Attitude Shifts

I have avoided blogging the past two weeks since every time I sat down the same whining garbage spewed forth. Things are pretty much the same, but I am trying to have a better attitude about it and remind myself the no job, friends, money is only temporary and in 14 months I could be back in California dancing on rainbows and eating lollipops. And seriously it is really not that bad. My hubs has been great and our life is good, I am just bored, which is the death of me. Nothing worse than being bored in my world. I will push on.

This past weekend Mr. Fish and I went to an Army Marriage retreat with his brigade. He got to take Friday off and we went down to the Florida beach. The hotel was super nice. Unfortunately it stormed the entire time so we didn't get to enjoy the beach much. And yes this time Mr. Fish got a speeding ticket. Must get rid of those California plates. Oh yeah, I did go to court and got the fine and speed reduced, and the judge all but admitted the cop was an arse. That made my day.

Back to the retreat. OMG!!! It was led by the brigade chaplain so I was guessing there would be a religious bent, but seriously the crappola that was extolled was mind boggling. Basically for the first two days we watched videos by some guy who was a minister. He started off with a "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" shtick. Which was okay and somewhat entertaining, though there was some questionable material. However, the final two DVD sessions really drove it home. I shit you not these statements were said and presented as fact:

• Withhold sex from your husband's so they will do chores
• Premarital sex will ruin your marital sex life
• Porn is very very very bad and will ruin your marital sex life
• Masturbation is unhealthy and you don't have really orgasms when you masturbate.
• Psychologists are nitwits (that was said several times)

I do understand that a chaplain put on the retreat so I did expect some grace before meals, but this utter and complete horse shit? And like no one seemed to mind?? I was looking around hoping to make eye conversation with someone "Are you also smelling this colossal pile of dog doo?" But nope everyone was nodding along, at least the people I looked at. At the end the video they had people in the audience on the video stand and hold hands with their partners and apologize for their sins!!! And people at the retreat were crying during this!!!! Then the chaplain led us in a prayer for our marriages, I almost threw up. Mr. Fish kept telling me not to take things so seriously.

And ya' know he has a point, we had a nice free mini-vacation and perhaps I should just take it for that. But still. This is what bothers me the most. This was a missed opportunity. They had about 30 couples for 3 days and this is what they choose to do with their time? Given everything milfamilies have experienced in the past 9 years and the toll it has taken on families, they choose to go on an anti-wanking crusade? Really? How about teaching some resiliency skills for deployments and military life? How about some basic relationship skills? I mean I think Dr. Phil could have done a better job and I loathe Dr. Phil. I could have done a better job with simply whipping out some Steven Covey and Chicken Soup books. Missed missed missed opportunity.

Mr. Fish after listening to my rant for like the 11th time, kindly and politely said, you know you have some great ideas maybe you should do something with them. He has another great point.