I hate cars

I have a long history with cars being the bane of my existence. No other facet of my life has had such a pervasive role of ass-fuckery than cars.

My streak began at 16 when I inherited from my older sis a 1973 Toyota Corolla. The year was 1988. My mother only "allowed" me to drive in the three cities surrounding my hometown. She would check my mileage ever week to see how much I drove. I had an allotment. In my devilish wisdom I learned how to reach under the dash and unplug the speedometer. Now I didn't know how fast I was going but there was also no way to track those trips to the beach and beyond. One afternoon as I was driving home from Berkeley which was way beyond my boundary the car started doing funny things around the city of Moraga. I turned up the radio, the song was "Don't worry be happy." Swear to G-d. I had to get this car back to my area of operation. Sadly parts started falling out on the highway and I managed to get off the road. AAA was called and I begged to be towed to Walnut Creek, even though that was beyond the 5 mile towing rules. Somehow I was successful. The next day when my mother and I the mechanic looked that the car I was asked, "Where is the engine?" I had to lie and say I didn't know but I was driving on Ygnacio Valley Blvd down the road, when in fact I was on Highway 24 15 miles away. My mom insisted we get in her car and go looking for the parts. Shocking we didn't find it.

I had saved $1400 from my mall job working at "Above the Belt". Honest Abe that was the name of the store. They sold all the cool jeans that had zippers at the ankles and I was able to buy some really rad jeans! I bought a 1980 powder blue VW Rabbit. I was quite proud of myself. That thing broke down all the time. But being a VW I was at times able to Mac Gyver it and fix it. It had vinyl seats and no air conditioning. Looking back recently at my high school year book people actually wrote that they hoped I didn't have any more car break downs. The rabbit lasted until my sophomore year of college and broke down all the time. Eventually AAA wrote me that my membership was going to be revoked due to my 11 tows in 7 months. They also mentioned that had used car loans. To my shock I got approved for a loan!!! I bought myself a three year old Toyota Tercel for payments of $132 a month. I was waitressing and teaching Sunday school, running youth groups, I could totally afford it. I was thrilled.

Two weeks after I bought this car someone plowed into me and totaled the car. Luckily no one was hurt. I was devastated. I still hadn't sold the Rabbit, so I cruised around in that until I got another loan and another car. Thus began the era of the Barbie Mobile. It was Dodge Daytona, white with a red pinstripe and pop-up head lights. I was balling!!! This car was quite good to me. Never broke down, though I bashed in several sides of it. I had the car six years which continues to be a record. Once I finished graduate school I immediately went out and bought a brand new car. It was an Acura CL 3.0 and let me tell you then I was really balling!!! I paid $464.00 a month. But I could swing it with my killer new job.

Six months after I paid it off the transmission blew. The cost of the repair was worth more than the car. I knew better than to get a new car and set off to get a used car. I had a Subaru outback which remains my most favorite vehicle. I loved that car. Three years into having this car the engine blew. It was worth less than I owed on it. I got another used car loan and a loan to pay off the dead Surbaru. For nearly two years I was making TWO car payments. It killed me. I should also mention I have always done the requisite oil changes and 30/60/90/120K maintenance. Mechanics told me it was bad luck. Hmm.

That brings me to my current car, my Jeep Cherokee. It is a 2007 and had less than 30K miles on it, I put down 5K and got a loan for 10K and have reasonable payments. I like the car okay. Six weeks after getting this car it broke down in the middle of nowhere at a pie stand on the side of the road. I was driving my friend and I home from her parents' Xmas in Sonora. Literally middle of nowhere, hours from home. It was still under warranty and we had it towed to the nearest dealer hours away and had to be rescued by my friend's parents. Super. Miraculously the dealer couldn't find anything wrong with the car and my dear Dad drove me to retrieve the Jeep. The next day I took it into my local dealer who could find nothing wrong with it either. I had done some research and suggested it was the starter motor, they laughed at me and sent me home. 4 days later as I got in my car to go to work the Jeep wouldn't start. It also happened to be street cleaning day and I got a ticket while waiting for the tow truck. I appealed it and lost. Insult to injury. When I got to the Jeep to the dealer the guy literally said, "Quick get it on the rack before it fixes itself." Oy. It was in fact the starter motor and they fixed it.

10 months later I am in Southern California visiting my future-in-laws during my then boyfriend's post deployment block leave and the fucking Jeep breaks down again!!! At this point it was beyond warranty and the warranty on the repair was passed. However, I raised a shitstorm and insisted I wanted a brand-new starter motor versus a refurbished one and I was not paying a cent. The car was fixed at no cost to me. That was about 11 months ago, I am holding my breath. Oh yeah when my parents were out here the Jeep broke down on all of us and cost 700 to fix.

At this point the hubs and I are in serious contemplation about his truck. He has a huge payment on it, it needs new tires, 2K in cost, and it just isn't practical given our soon to be bigger family. We need the money that is going to the car payment to go other places, and we need a backseat. So we decide to get rid of the truck and buy an inexpensive car where we will not have payments. We got a used Saturn for 3K outright. The hubs was quite good about loosing his truck, we did also go buy some snakes for him that weekend. (The snake issue is a post for another time.)

We literally repeatedly high fived ourselves for being so fiscally responsible. Six weeks later, this past Monday. The god damn fucking engine blew up!!!! I never drove this car in fear that my car curse would spread. We reviewed our options, they weren't that good. We just can't afford two car payments. We could survive, painfully, on one car, but that would be a short-term solution. Come this summer when we are back in California we will need two cars. We painfully decided to shell out $1500 to put a used motor in the car. Luckily in our meager savings we have it. But that means no going home for the holidays. No having a baby shower. It seriously hurts.

I won the in-law lottery and I love the holidays with them. I love them. They were throwing the shower. My family just doesn't do those kind of things. It is breaking my heart but we just can't let our savings go that low to spend $1000 on plane tickets home. I hate cars.
It is not the end of the world. Next year we will be home and celebrating the baby's first holidays with everyone. In not so long we will be home. It just hurts. It just bugs me to no end that once again cars are causing me such strife. I do my best to keep it in perspective. It is only money, it is a fixable problem. What is most important in life, our health, the health our family and our future baby are good. We have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. We will survive not going home for the holidays. I will see my baby niece often when we live nearby. We were there last year. I will hopefully have other baby bumps to share with my loved ones.

It just hurts today. I will get past it. I hate cars.

Going home, coming home.

I recently got back from an incredible week in San Francisco. But first some updates. First, the job. OMG I don't even know how to explain the asshattery going on. After the position closed I was called and asked to come in for an interview. Interesting. I had already interviewed for the position and they offered me the position. Or so I thought. But okay. As I am pulling into the parking lot 15 minutes before the start time, I get called and told the interview was cancelled. Huh? Apparently the proper HR channels hadn't been followed and thus they couldn't meet with me. However, I managed to get some face time and learn some more about the position. To my pleasure I learned that my three school sites had in fact been staffed until a few weeks ago. That quieted much of my revulsion. I was told I would be called for an interview when everything was put in place. That was almost THREE WEEKS AGO!!! Seriously. And my due date has been moved up by 12 days thus I would be working at BEST 4 months, minus the four weeks of school vacations. And that is dependent on a big IF I get offered the position. Yeah I am not going to be working. So be it. The job was never good for more than a back-up plan. And things are looking good for the school drop and moving back West in July!!! That is so not long at all.

Going home was really incredible. Having never before left Northern California I just didn't know what it would feel like to leave everything and everyone behind. I have been slowly adjusting. What I missed most was my friendships. I by no means had a bad childhood, but there was quite a bit of family drama. My parents separated a few times and finally divorced when I was tween. We had no extended family members in the area. Personally I found that as my parents' marriage broke up, the focus was no longer on the family, but on them rebuilding their lives. I was left to fit into the new dynamics. I spent a lot of time alone biking to my activities. My friends became my second family. I guess until I left I had not fully realized how crucial that support was. Here in Sweatyville I've got the Fish. He does the best he can but he works a lot (the two previous weeks he was in the field the entire time). It was rough. He came home to a hormonal and grumpy wife desperate for a talk about feelings. It was not pretty. At one point I told him he sucked. One of my lowest moments in this relationship. I will be haunted by that for quite some time.

Back in SF I stayed with one of my closest friends. Yes I slept on the couch but it more was like being in my own home. We have a very special friendship and it was wonderful to be able to spend quality time with her and her beautiful daughter. I basically packed as many playdates in as I could. I also scheduled a private practice client. I took public transportation, I walked all over the place. I saw every single person that I wanted to. I had lots of talks about my feelings.

To my great relief my friendships were still there and strong as ever. I know it has only been four months, but I worried it would change. The closeness and love wouldn't be there. And I seriously needed it. I needed the continuity that my life here has lacked. EVERYTHING IS NEW. The Fish worried about my emotional state upon my return. But honestly I have been so much better. Just knowing I can go home and still experience what is so important and crucial, makes me feel grounded. I never expected my husband to fill all my emotional needs. But sadly it has fallen upon him these past months as I felt desperate. I no longer feel that way again. I feel like my life is being added to, I do not feel such a profound sense of loss anymore. That feels very very good.

It is official

I am calling an end to my pity party. It is over. I am done. Sure I might have more hard days but no more sitting on the couch for days, weeks on end, feeling sorry for myself, watching TLC and HGTV for hours on end. I needed to grieve for my old SF life, but it is time to move on. It is time to embrace (the suck) what is ahead of me. While some of you might think I have been a whiny bitch, (partly true), because I have been so fortunate in the past year-I counter. I am still entitled to feel what I felt. There are no such things as bad feelings, it is how you manage your feelings. I managed them the best I could and that is all I can ask of myself. Just because there was good juxtaposed with the bad, doesn't invalidate the pain. I am a big believer in this. HUGE.

But time is marching on and I am healing and adjusting. I am feeling motivated to engage in the life here beyond the walls of my home. I am making playdates with new friends, I am being real with them. I am not playing happy army wife. I am being Hilary who is having a hard time. What I have experienced by being real has been an out pouring of "Oh I felt the same way." I mean I knew I was not alone, I was just pissed at myself for not doing a better job of adjusting. I can be so hard on myself. Also I was just a bit pissed, at no one in particular, that the life I had worked so hard to cultivate in SF was gone. Life changes, but dammit I was not ready to let go I guess. I am still not. But I am okay with the fact that my life is changing and there is much good today and the days ahead.

I am feeling like my badass funny self once again. Oh how I missed me!!! And through this I have once again validated that I married my soulmate. Never once did he get impatient with me, make me feel bad for feeling, not listen. He did nudge me that it was time to end the party, but trusted I would when I was ready.

I leave for SF in a week and I am very happy that I will arrive there feeling whole. But I have a feeling that I might be happy to come back to this new life I am creating in Georgia. Imagine that.