Thankful VIII-The end of the beginning

We are finally making it to the end of this chapter of the story of Us.  Thanks for reading.  Well if you have followed my blog from the beginning you pretty much know how this story went.  After returning to California I spent 5 months flying back and forth, job hunting and shutting down my life in my beloved City by the Bay. It was wonderful and terrifying at the same time.

Memorial Day weekend was our wedding celebration and it was pretty awesome. Though of course there was ridiculous family drama from my side. Nice bookend to my time in CA, sigh.  The week before the celebration party I went in for my annual ob/gyn appointment, had my pap smear and IUD removed and left with a prescription for Ativan.  Yeah I was pretty stressed.  But everything got done and on June 16, 2010 I boarded a plan to Georgia.

It was an adjustment for sure. And it was really only the beginning. On July 13^th I peed on a stick and the next chapter began.  Since that time we have built a marriage, a family, birthed a child, closed an active Army duty career, job searched too much, moved crossed country, moved in with in-laws, started University, got a job, moved into our own place and right now we are working on two major projects.

We hope to be in escrow the end of this week on our first home. And as of today I am 19 weeks pregnant with our second child, a girl! I am basically flabbergasted that this has all worked out.  I have never been so happy in my entire life.  It has not been all rainbows and unicorns, but what ever is really.  That all over body buzz I felt during those early days….. I don’t really believe in signs…..but ya never know. That is the thing for me. You never really know. So you gots to be open. That is the biggest lesson I learned over the past four years. Be open. Let life in. In my case it apparently also involved opening my legs. HA! But seriously, you just never know what can happen, so keep your mind, heart, eyes (and yes sometimes legs-use protection) open.  Your life could just become your wildest dreams. Happy Holidays everyone. xo

Thankful VII

 Sorry for the long pause. Sickness and Hanukkah got in the way.  Alright, so one of the many things discussed on R&R was his Army career.  I knew once his return from Iraq he had a little more than two years left on his contract and he was strongly considering leaving the service. I was good with that. I did not imagine myself a career military wife for a multitude of reasons. Judge me, it is the truth. 

I learned that he was set to leave Alaska after his return and he hoped to have several options for his next duty station. Among them being a recruiter in California or being stationed at Ft. Irwin in Southern California. Both of those sounded great to me and I had lots of fantasies about how that would all work out. BIG MISTAKE. Within days of his return to the warzone he got his orders for Ft. Benning Georgia.  The plus side was that it was a training brigade and he would not deploy and finish out his contract stateside.  We had this conversation over skype and he looked devastated telling me this news. I was the girl who had never left Northern California.  Though I was considering Alaska so I am not sure why he was so worried. I took a few deep breaths, googled a bit and then said, “Georgia is not a deal breaker. Not even close.”  The color literally came back to his face. Yes I was very sad for about a week, which was just stupid, and then I got to work.

I began the necessary paperwork to get my credentials instated in Georgia and wrapped my brain and the timetable of what this would mean.  It would be fine. Let’s just get through this deployment. 

Times were changing in Iraq.  The US was no longer allowed on combat patrols so my man was not in as much danger, though he totally still was.  He was on a big base too that meant regular showers, better food, and much better communication. He had his own storage container to live in and we were occasionally able to skype.  Planning was in full force. So was the redeployment countdown.  Five months to go.

It did not fly by.

Of course he was the last group of his brigade to leave and his return date was uncertain and it was falling at the beginning of my school year. There was no way for me to be there when he got back to the US. It tore me up. But it just couldn’t happen.  So instead I had some bitchy FRG  woman supposedly supposed give him a card (she never did!).  (A side note: A few days leading up I started sexting him only to find out that his mobile number had been reassigned and I exposed myself to a stranger. Lovely.  Glad I waxed.)  Anyhow I waited for his block leave, about three weeks which were excruciating, and he flew down. I made sure I looked damn good, so much so a foreigner in the terminal asked me if I was a hooker. His plane came into the international terminal. And we had our airport reunion. It was awesome.  I was working during these weeks but we still managed to have lots of fun. Celebrated Halloween. He won a bet involving working out, so he got to pick my costume. 

I no longer look like this, and I fear I never will. 


We started laying the ground work for the future. He went back up to Alaska, cleared post, sent his household goods to Georgia, drove from Fairbanks Alaska to SF and we got very busy. In a three week period we got engaged, packed half my house into a U-haul, drove to So Cal for the holidays, then drove to Georgia, found a duplex to rent, moved in, got married and I went back to California for five months.  Crazy right? It was. Many people thought so and some said so. But ya know what, it felt right. Guess who was right in the end?

Some pics of course……….

Union Square SF

He put a ring on it, he better have I was moving to Georgia!

Our first holidays together. Note: He was newly engaged, he will never do this again for me.  

Thankful VI

It was a long winter but spring was coming soon. Amazingly despite the distance and communication difficulties our bond was growing. I thought of him all the time. I found myself only wanting to think about a future with him. It all seemed pretty farfetched and I wondered if I would really go for it. Could I leave my life and move to Alaska? Was this person as great as my feelings were telling me? Or was I simply idealizing a fantasy because I was tired of being single?

I spent time learning every single thing I could about the Army and Army life. That is the time I began to read blogs and make a few blog friends.  His R&R was scheduled for April around my spring break. My birthday was also the beginning of April.  He was not supposed to be back until around the fifth, my bday was the second. So to distract myself I planned myself a bday party. Bought tix for my friends and I for a Giants baseball game. Well wouldn’t you know it, that was the evening he came home. 

All day long I was monitoring flights since he was sitting in Houston hoping to get on one, of course there were weather delays. And then his cell phone died and we had no way to communicate. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I eventually just went to the ballpark and figured if he found his way around Iraq he would find me.  I proceeded to drink A LOT at the ballpark. Finally around the third inning I got a phone call he was outside the gate.  I ran out, I looked like this, yup

I had the hat on too!

It took some time for us to find each other. He had been traveling two days from a warzone and  was in stinky ACU’s, and the last thing he wanted to do was go to a ball game with a bunch of people he didn’t know, and the girl he was corresponding with was sloshed on top of it. We found each other and it was awkward.  We somehow got through that and eventually made it back to my house.  Friends finally took the hint and left and we were finally alone. And yeah the magic was still there, so relieved.

We spend the next 15 days together, he met my family, we traveled to Southern California to meet his and see Mickey. I got a photographer friend to take pics of us. We had an absolute blast and we had many talks about what we wanted out of life, timelines (I was 37 the clock was ticking), celebrated our birthdays together, told each other we loved one another, and knew where we both wanted to this to head. It was surprising but it really was not.  I wasn’t going to buy into the clichés, but I knew I had finally found my soulmate, my beshert. Now we just had six more months of deployment to get through and to figure out how we would be together. Easy peasy.

To be continued….but some pics of course……

 Those dog tags : )

Thankful Part V

I arrived in Fairbanks, Alaska after 16 hours of travel. Who knew it took so long to get to the Artic. And it was on like donkey kong. We spent an incredible 4 days exploring Alaska.  It was the time of year when the leaves turned yellow and it was just incredibly gorgeous. We hiked, ate, drank, yada yada, met friends, I waited around while the Army packed his stuff for storage during the deployment.  I managed to get an interview with the school district so I could “write off” the trip. I even got a job offer. (If it would have only been that easy in the years ahead.) 

I also had diarrhea which when you are staying in a hotel and trying to still be romantic was pretty hilarious. I just kept going to the lobby, but finally admitted the truth. The four days flew by and soon we were saying good-bye. We never had any formal talk about where this was going, but we both pretty much understood that we both had some serious feelings for one another.  We said good-bye and promised to keep in touch, the best we could.  I had no idea what was going to happen.  Would I or him loose interest? How often would we communicate? Would he come back alive and well?

For the next six months we instant messaged at least once a week.  Phone calls were pretty much impossible. Skype as we had hoped was a figment of our imagination. But we emailed too. And when I heard that ping of yahoo instant messenger I sprang from my bed. We decided to IM in the middle of the night because we could guarantee I would be around.  I went out on a few dates, but was just not interested. I sent lots of care packages with sappy cards. And I waited for the spring when R&R would be.

To be continued………..but first some pics!

I swear you can totally see he is falling in love with me in those eyes! Right?

Thankful IV

The following weekend he flew in for the weekend. I had us chock full of fun activities, and yes I even had a spreadsheet.  The first order of business was to attend an outdoor concert. It was the first year for this concert, Outside Lands, and it was in Golden Gate Park, walking distance from my house. I got us all prepared with chairs and portable coolers and blankets and packed a picnic and boos. We trekked down there, set up camp, met up with our friends and started boozing it up.  This concert had multiple stages and the boys wanted to go see another performance. I was more than happy to stay at camp and chill. I was trying to be that cool nonclingy chick. 

BIG MISTAKE

Quite a bit of time went by and the main event, ?, came on. The boys had yet to return and it was getting dark. I was getting concerned. Cell phones were not working on account of the hordes of people being there.  I was getting freaked out.  The concert continued and I stood among the throngs alone. I was getting pissed.  People broke down the fences and rushed the stage, it was a mess. I was getting scared. After about two hours I decided for my own safety and sanity I needed to get out of there. I have no idea how I did this but on my person I packed two back packs-one in the front and one in the back. A chair slung on each side, a cooler pack on one arm, and a bag of blankets on another. I proceeded to push my way through the packed crowd and make it out of the park. It was pretty scary. I then walked uphill 30 blocks to home.  By the time I got home I was full blown pissed!!! I felt like I had been ditched. The boys had forgotten about me and put me in a unsafe place.  I was ready to pack his stuff and leave it on the curb. I get a little crazy when the anxiety starts.  Finally about an hour after I had gotten home and close to four hours since I had last seen him, I got a phone call from one of the boys.  The first boy on the phone, Dan, got my first verbal assault. All he could say was “You need to calm down”.  Note to men: when a chick is super upset that NEVER helps.  The next boy on the phone Matt, just starts defending himself, “There was nothing we could do, we tried, wasn’t our fault.”  Second note to men: when your behavior inadvertently or not puts a woman in peril, do not start with defending yourself.  Matt quickly handed the phone off to Ginger whose first words were “Are you okay?”  OMG it had such an effect on me. My anger started to quell and yep I started crying. Embarrassing.  That little act of simply starting with caring for my person, well it got me. It showed me something about his character that had been lacking with all the d-bags I had been dating for the past several years. He cared about me and my feelings. 

Between sniffles he asked if I even wanted him to still come over. I squeaked out yes and he said he would over in a bit.  Two hours later after him getting lost and not being able to get a cab he showed up.  We talked about how the concert turned into a stampede. Later we learned people had been trampled and hurt.  How he tried in vain to find me. Waiting until the end of the concert and searched. How he felt horrible, he was distraught. He could not stop apologizing and saying he should have never left me. That he made a huge mistake and he was incredibly upset with himself. Seriously, I had not seen someone take such responsibility for their behavior that hurt me in for like forever.  It just wiped all those feelings of anger away.  It was a mistake to leave me alone, but we all made it together not anticipating a stampede, no one was hurt, the concert sucked for sure, but it was okay. And he was super impressed that I managed to extricate myself and all my gear and make it home.

We proceeded to have an amazing weekend where you feel like you are floating on air. I showed him some of my favorite SF spots, did a lot of yada yada, chilled, and talked and talked.  We even went to the concert the next night, but he never left my side and we left before dark. We went to a club and when everyone else indulged in some illegal substances, before even knowing my response he refused. At the time I didn’t know they drug tested in the military.  But I was impressed. 

At the end of the weekend I took him to the airport and dropped him at the curb. It was a very hard moment saying good-bye and thinking that he was going to war.  I put a note in his backpack to read on the plane. It said something along the lines of I don’t exactly know what is happening between us but I know something is happening and I am excited, so very excited. 

As he walked into the terminal I lost it. Sat in my car and just started bawling my eyes out. Rivers of snot and tears covered the steering wheel.  I was overwhelmed. Next thing I knew he was knocking at my window asking if I was okay. EMBARASSING. He was waiting to see if I was okay and drove off safely. I assured him I was and managed to drive off. Once again he was showing concern for my well-being. I was touched. I guess the bar was pretty low after all the d-bags.

I went home and immediately started researching flights to Alaska ($1000!!) and rearranging my schedule (it was the start of the school year and things were bananas) in the hopes that he would invite me. A few days later he got to Alaska and told me he really wanted to see me before he deployed but understood it was probably impossible. I got to say how does my arrival in 10 days work? 

To be continued…but first some pics…..

Out clubbing

At the concert before it went to hell in a handbasket

So hot, I'm hooked

Thankful surprise

I am thankful that I have the ability to adjust to changing ground conditions. Thanksgiving dinner for 22 just got rerouted to my house due to an ill relative. HOLYFUCKBALLS I have lots to do. Bring it turkeys!!!!

Thanking festivities

Family is about to descend in a few hours. I have yet to clean the house or grocery shop. Oy. I will continue the story in a few days. Mucho mucho to be thankful for this year. It has been a beyond good year. Gobble Gobble to ya'll!

Thankful Part III

So the next night I had a some random date planned. But I nixed it because I was quite tired from the previous night’s hi-jinks  Around 9pm my phone rings and the number is a 917 area code(turns out it was Alaska). I do the rational thing and not answer, that is not an area code I know. I listen to the voicemail and it is the ginger  telling me he “left” his dog tags at my place and really needs to get them.  Come on!!! Puleaze. I am quite amused by his lack of game. I return his call and we arrange for him to swing by and pick them up. A bit later, after I spruced myself up but not in an overt way, I hear the front door ring. Instead of buzzing him in, I decide I have got to make this guy sweat some. I go down the four floors to the front door and open it and purposely do not invite him in. I watch as he shuffles to and fro stammering. I ask him where his buddy is, “ Isn't he waiting on the curb?”  No. “Did you borrow his car?” No. “How are you planning on getting home?” Cab. “Oh cabs are really hard to get in this neighborhood, especially this time of night.”  All the while I am twirling his dog tags around my finger and loving every second of his increasing discomfort  I knew full well I was going in for seconds, but I just had to make him work for it a bit. I asked him if he would like to come up and figure it out, he practically belts out yes.

We go up to my apartment that is still sans alcohol and the chemistry is crackling. We waste no time, yada yada. It is the summer Olympics and between our personal gymnastic events we watch the Games and for lack of a less cheesy word bond.  At some point in the middle of the night, , something inexplicable happens. I am laying there, and it was good but ya know we are still getting to know each other, and this feeling comes over me. It was like a full body buzz. I was not entirely sure if I was about to diarrhea the bed or get a migraine, but my entire body from head to toe was tingling. He asks for something to drink and very unlike me I just told him to go help himself. I literally couldn’t move, I was overcome.  We eventually went to sleep, not before he invited me to accompany him to a wedding in Arizona that weekend (I had to decline-private practice clients). This time I had to take him home butt crack early to catch an early flight. I continued to buzz.

All weekend long we texted and sexted and I buzzed. I talked about it with my friends and came to the conclusion that I simply needed to see him again and figure out what the hell this feeling was.  When he got back to Southern California I made sure he would return that following weekend. And he did, and it was officially on.

To be continued…..

Thankful Part II

A year previous I had joined an adult kickball team.  I had begun to experience attrition in my friendships. Being in my mid-30’s so many of my long standing friends were marrying, breeding and moving out of the city. I kinda felt like I was in an old folks home, everyone was dying and I was the last one standing. I realized I needed to go out and make some new friends, possibly with younger folk that would stick around longer.

So I answered a craigslist ad for a kickball team, signed up to a random team, walked on and miraculously made some amazing friends that to this day are some of my closest. A year into my kickball career it was the night before my first day of the school year. My summer of stringless fun was coming to an end.  As I stood on the kickball diamond I spied off to the side a new face, a ginger scrawling. I have always had a thing for redheads.  Call it a firecroctch fetish. Normally I would go over and introduce myself and hope to make this person feel welcome. But he had a vibe of don’t mess with me so I kept my distance. And it was time to kick some balls and drink crappy beer from a can.

After the game was over I desperately had to pee which I announced and a few of us walked over to the bar to play flip cup. Ginger and his buddy,my teammate Matt,  headed over with me. I had a pink beanie in my back pocket and ginger made some wisecrack about me being “street”.  A few beers in I busted out  some rap. Once we got to the bar other kickball teams were there and a dude who I had been flirting with for some weeks bought me a drink and we started talking in a corner. Throughout our convo I kept seeing ginger staring at me, kinda creepily. I was highly amused.  After a bit I figured I needed to stop the staring, it was creeping me out, and I figured the flirtation from the other team member had had several weeks to bust a move and had not, maybe I should go chat up ginger. So that is what I did and flirtation followed us around the bar. It all felt very high schoolish, but given my beer intake I was highly amused.  As the evening winded down, ginger and I were getting along quite well. I had learned a bit about him, he was shipping off to Iraq in a month, was in town for a few days, then heading back to Southern California to see his family and then Alaska to deploy. This was the perfect finale f*&K  for my summer. So I took ginger home. Always keeping it classy.

When we got to my amazing rent controlled apartment he was a bit disappointed that I had no alcohol. So sorry. I decided I shouldn’t give it up that easily and I made him watch Project Runway with me before indulging in some adult activities.  To this day, it is “our show”. 

The next morning I had to get us up butt crack early and head to work to start my school year.  I dropped him off at his buddy’s, wished him safety on his journey, and figured that was the last time I would see him.

To be continued………

Thankful

I really am enjoying the other bloggers and their daily thankfuls. But let’s be honest, showering everyday is not happening. So I am not going to attempt to be episodic in my blogging appreciation output. Probably one of the biggest things that I am thankful for is meeting my husband. So perhaps my long wished for telling of the story of us should be begun. I think it is a brilliant story.

So some back story first. I was 36 when I met him. I had spent a decade dating, pretty unsuccessfully.  In that 10 year span I had two broken engagements, some tepid short term relationships, douchebagpalooza, lots of flings, and a felon.  I would not say I was becoming completely jaded, but I was loosing my gusto. I was pretty much pursuing Mr. Right Now because Mr. Right was so elusive, I just got to the point where I wanted to have fun.  About 9 months before I met hubs I had gone on a self-imposed hiatus after a particularly horrid but hilarious romance that involved meeting in the Caribbean and visiting each other’s coasts only to arrive on his with a home sans clean dishes, food, toilet paper or emotional stability. I decided to take a break even from the fun and do other things. Like work out and loose 20 pounds. Summer rolled around and I decided I would have some stringless summer fun. And boy did I! Scuba trip, ex, felon (it was fun until the cops took the bad boy away), and then I encountered this ginger soldier and that is how our story begins…….

Stay tuned : )

Homesick

This is such a minor problem but it persists so I blog about it. We passed our one year mark a week or so ago and I am still homesick for Northern California.  Since August 1^st the temperature has been no less than 90 degrees for no less than 10 days. I am sick of the heat and the sun down here. Seriously it is sunny ALL THE TIME.  While I definitely got sick of the fog and cold of San Francisco, I would kill for some meandering fog mixed with the smell of Eucalyptus from Golden Gate Park.  At my previous place of employment, South San Francisco, it was cold and foggy and windy all the time. I didn’t even own summer/spring work clothes.  I am still in short sleeves and open toed shoes, because otherwise I would be DYING of heat.  My poor red-headed child has had a hat on for five months now.  SUN SUN GO AWAY!! And given how the East Coast is facing such weather trauma, this is what I bitch about?

About a month ago it dawned on me that I had permanently settled in a suburban desert. I don’t know why it took me so long to get that.  We are about an hour east of downtown LA, which in Southern California dog miles is very far. We are living out in inland suburban sprawl. One suburban town after another. Open space nowhere. We are in a foothill community so at least we have mountains on one side and I know there is space that is not consumed by strip malls, roads and homes.  But still I feel trapped.  However, this is exactly where my little family needs to be and I would not relocate us anywhere. I just need to get used to it I guess. I just wanna wear my fucking uggs and a hoodie for fucks sake.

Also the other thing is the friend thing. I have alluded to this but in a nutshell I have barely made any friends since I moved here. A huge part of this is my fault. I didn’t make much of an effort the first six months as we had no idea if we were staying (thank you circle jerk never ending job search).  But since we settled (thank you nirvana wonderful job in the exact location we wanted) I have done much else.  I have made one friend. We met in kiddie music class and she is pretty great. Though never in a million years would I have thought we would have become friends.  I mean she is a size 2 if that, long bleached blonde hair, fake boobs, wealthy, 10 years younger. But she has a kiddo my kiddo’s age and works in mental health and she courted me to be friends. And truly I enjoy our friendship. We get on.  But it is a friendship around our kids.  I have tried to do stuff without our kids and it just doesn’t seem to stick. My sense is (facebook supports) she has quite the social circle (she grew up here which everyone seems to have) for adult activities. I fill her friend with appropriate child slot. But it is something and she is pretty rad. And honestly that is it. I have been friendly without someone at work, who has kids, but it seems to be a friendship of convenience more.  I have not met anyone that I have a deep kindred spirit connection with.

I wonder now that I am married with a kid will I ever? Were those type of friendships only to be formed during my single days? If so they are all up in Northern California and I miss them. So much. I just wanna hang out for a few hours. Chat. Laugh. Then go about my busy life. Truthfully I don’t have much time and energy for more than that.  My life is full. I work full time. I have lots of great family commitments.  I have a busy toddler. Last weekend he split his lip, black eye, and slammed his hand in a door. I swear this kid is going to be in the ER before 2013.  But this lack of true friends is an aching hole for me.  Even in Georgia as a stay home Army wife I made friends, and one kindred spirit (Hi Jordan!). 

I am not sure what to do about it. If there is anything to do. But between this never ending fucking sun and lonliness, I am homesick.

What a summer!

Yes I am still alive and well just took a bit of a blogging hiatus for the summer. Also our computer died so I had to wait for my first paycheck to get it fixed and of course it was fubared so we got a new one.  I swear everything we have breaks. In the little over two years that we have been living under the same roof the following has broken and we have spent hundreds of dollars fixing or replacing; 2007 Jeep, 2001 Saturn (2 engines blown), 1999 Jeep, 1992 Blazer, dryer, washer (we fixed it ourselves and cost 100 but still….), TV, computer monitor, laptop, desktop, xbox, iphone,  printer and just yesterday our floor lamp.  Luckily the most important things, our health, have not broken, but it is kinda horrifying.

I am back at work and so far it is going well. But I swear if anyone comes sniffing around they could totally make cuts. I have never had so little to do.  I would usually start the school year with a line of kids to assess that we were not able to get to the previous year.  There are no leftovers so to speak.  I keep thinking there must be this big pile of work that I just don’t know about. It is starting to pick-up but this is so not the pace I am used to. I have decided that I have to be proactive about being busy at work.

And this is going to make me sound like a piece of shit but I don’t want to go to my boss and ask if she has any work to be done.  I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t have enough to do and they can afford to cut psychs.  But I really think they can. So after many years of streamlining my assessment process although competently covering the bases I am going to expand.   I am bringing back some things that I cut out because I didn’t have the time and was assessing 80 kids a year. I swear I will probably assess less than half that this year.

I am going to complete parent interviews.  Yes offer to parents to come in and talk to me about their kid and what they hope the assessment process will provide them. Novel idea right?  In the past I would typically see the parents at the meeting it was decided an assessment was needed; we refer to it as the Student Study Team.  But there were usually lots of people there and the parent didn’t get to have one on one time.  And then I wouldn’t see the parent again until I was completed with the assessment and went over the results.  No one seemed to mind but I don’t think that parents’ perceptions of their child were ever completely included.  Instead I would send home a questionnaire asking about birth history and health background.  So I have started meeting with parents. It does take quite a bit of time but I am enjoying it.  The parent community in this school district tends to be of a much higher social economic status and less trusting of the school district.  They tend to want to know my credentials and background and have more questions of what I am going to do. I have also heard they can be more contentious regarding what the school recommends, i.e., support from special education programs.  So I look at my parent meetings as building relationships with parents so if it does come to a point of conflict there is a foundation for working together.  And parents totally love it!!!

I am also going to add an assessment tool to my typical battery that I think will help with developing interventions.  Another novel idea right?  Before I did (competently of course) what it took to determine eligibility for special education. My evaluations were really about that bottom line.  But now I am going to try to add an assessment tool that identifies what part of reading, math and or writing that is impacting learning.  It will add about 3-4 hours to every assessment, which is a lot, but I think it will be worth it.  And it will help me fill my time. 

While this new job isn’t as cozy as my last I am really trying to take it as an opportunity to grow. Honestly while I do really like my career most of the time, I have felt very stagnant. But many years back I came to a place of acceptance that I was okay with the stagnation because I believed in what I was doing, it was a good job, I was good at it, and I have no idea what else I would do.  So I am excited. I am enjoying building new working relationships and getting my sea legs of sorts.  Plus I can leave my house, drop the kiddo off at daycare and be in my office in 20 minutes, never getting on a freeway. That is pretty unheard of in Southern California.

The kiddo is doing well in daycare. Drop-off is horrible. He starts shouting no as we drive-up, clings to me and shrieks. Many days I cry on my way to work. It is not that I don’t think he is okay, I know this is normal and healthy to have this separation anxiety, but man it rips my heart out.  I am so glad I got his first year and a half with him at home. I know if there is another kiddo I will not have that luxury.

The hubs is back in school and doing well. We are signing up for another year of Army Reserves. His two weeks of duty away in Texas was not so bad. I came home from work Friday and he had cleaned and done laundry. It was pretty awesome. I highly recommend a house husband.

I guess that is about all. I really do need to make some friends. I should work on that.

Summer living

We have been busy, just the way I like it for an active toddler. Yes I said Toddler! The fishy is finally walking. A week shy of 15 months, aka the cut-off for the normal range of walking (killing your educational psychologist momma!), Jonah took his first steps.  I joked that if he did it when  I was not around everyone needed to lie and pretend nothing happened. On Thursday he stood up and took one step forward. Hubs and I were both there to see it and both got big ol' surprised faces on.  He did it when our house was packed with my colleagues for an end of the year bash. Yes I was subconsciously brown nosing. More on that later.

The next day we set out for Utah and the great grandparents, and sure enough Jonah's grandpa who can get him to do all kinds of stuff, and this happened.  He is now toddling all over the place, running is next and I am already tired! Maybe it will help me get back in shape, moose, sigh.

We came home for two days and set off for SF. I had two weddings, one I was in, on the same weekend, four hours apart. Luckily since one bride was a jew and the other a goy (my bad, love ya V) they were on different days. But of course, the Army had to insert themselves and it was a drill weekend.  But thanks to my amazing friends and hubs driving and flying times two we got through it. SF was having unprecedented sunshine for June and we had lots of fun.  Two years since I left my City by the Bay and for the most part my important friendships are still going strong. If I could only make some friends down here. It has been tough, more on that later.  Okay off to toysrus to look for a sandbox. 

 Zion park

 My bestie's kid with my kid

 My dad with Jonah, heart melting

June in SF for reals

Anyway Chicken Little

This week was a bit crappy.  On Monday there was a off-site psychologist meeting where we discussed strategy for the new administrative change up. Basically our chain of command is being reorganized.  And with that brings new eyes and in this economic climate, cuts are always a possibility. My school district is pretty bloated when it comes to psychologists.  I immediately surmised this when I came on board.  At my former district I was four days a week, had two elementary schools (one of which was the largest) and two special assignments.  The psychs in my new district are full time and have maybe two little elementary schools, or maybe one junior high that has two grades, or one high school ( think that one psych gets the screw job).  All one big administrator needs to do is compare the ratio of school psychs to students of our neighboring districts, and they will know where to cut.

Now, the school psychs in our district are by no means riding easy street. They are doing tons of things beyond testing, whereas most districts simply use us as testers.  But at the end of the day if someone is counting beans, they are not going to care about our array of skills. Since I am the last one in, I will be the first one out. The group sat around for about 37 minutes talking about how to defend ourselves from cuts and if cuts happen how will they take up the "slack". I sat there having mounting anxiety.  To me I am not slack, this is my livelihood. I am the breadwinner of the family.  I have been having anxiety all week. I have been trying to talk myself off the cliff. I remind myself that the budget is set for a year, this is all hypothetical, it is out of my control, that I just need to focus on the present.  I was somewhat successful.

I just want to breathe a bit, relax. In the past almost four years we have: survived through a yearlong deployment to Iraq, got engaged, moved across country, got married, began our marriage long distance for five months, closed down a life of 37 years, job searched in the south, got pregnant, birthed a human, figured out how to take care of a human, figured out whether we wanted to stay active duty military or not, job searched for the west coast from the south, took three cross country flights with a newborn for job interviews, left the military, packed-up and left the south, drove a u-haul towing a car across the country, moved into the in-laws for six months, began attending University, joined the Army reserves. continued to job search, got a part-time job, part-time job turned into a full-time job, moved out of in-laws into our own place, collapsed.

I just want no big changes. I feel a bit selfish even saying that since we ended up at the finish line that we so hoped for.  But, I just want to plan for nothing but the groceries that need to be in the fridge.  No big discussions, no hypotheticals, no fact finding and most of all no anxiety that goes along with the uncertainty of how are you going to put a roof over your heads. I know that life can throw you major shit balls and we have no control over that. I get it. But I would like to hold onto this awesome job and have this crucial variable locked down. 

So I am doing my best not to think about budget cuts until they are real. And know if it does occur it is a year off. And that I will have boots on the ground here to help me find another.  I am going to focus on the fun summer we have ahead, because we do have lots of fun plans.  Breathe in, breathe out. It will all be okay.

Tales from the mommy battlefield

This week I went to a mommy meet-up thing. I have not had much time for them since I went back to work and truthfully I didn't go to much before I went back. I had a hard time connecting with many of these moms. It is not that they were content stay-at-homes, rather that they were smug.  I hate smug. Walk a mile in someone else's moccasins before you whip out the holier than thou.

So one of the moms was kind enough to engage me in conversation, which can be a rare event. She asked me how going back to work was going. So in true Sunny form, I began to regale them of a story which involved poop, peanut butter, coffee all over the place, and much giggles.  Another mom decided this would be her impetus for a lobbying manifesto for why being a working mom is BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of my favorite tidbits from this twat's pie hole; "you miss EVERYTHING, robbing your child of their childhood, damaging your child", and on it went.  I just kept my mouth shut..........for only so long.

I tried to tactfully point out that for many many working is not a choice, that they need to do it to support their family. Others genuinely like to work. However, smuggess just sat there in her superiority shitdome.

I don't care if you strap your child in a papoose and walk them to sixth grade on your back, they are not going to be better off if you cannot PAY YOUR FUCKING BILLS. I don't care if you all sleep in the same bed on the night before their bar mitzvah, they are not going to be better off if you cannot PAY YOUR FUCKING BILLS.  I don't care if you sit home and make rainbows from whole wheat organic gluten free macaroni, they are not going to be better off if you cannot PAY YOUR FUCKING BILLS.

I do not care if your child never looks at a screen until they are 20, if you are miserable staying at home and HAVE NO SENSE OF JOY.  I do not care if your child has homemade baby food and every meal has all the major food groups, if you sit at home and cry everyday BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF JOY. I do not care if your child is dressed head to toe in the most adorable outfit, if you sit at home and wonder where you went and HAVE NO SENSE OF JOY.

Okay yes I am being extreme, but seriously it is such a personal family choice with many variables that only that little family can analyze. I just cannot get it that some people in this day and age can be so judgy.  For my family after so many conversations about how our family was going to be, so much so that husband called it a circle jerk, we made a purposeful choice that I would go back to work, we would leave the service, he would go to school, we would go back home to the expensive sunny coast, and make it work. I am so enjoying being back at work. I am fortunate to have a career I love, and it pays moderately well, we have the GI bill to afford husband to go back to school and take care of the babe several days a week, we have a wonderful childcare that affords the babe stimulation. It is the right thing for us. I would never purport that I would know what is best for others.  Perhaps you think I am a wee bit defensive. Perhaps. But is mostly about how much I hate smug. Off to mop the floor. 

Okay one more thing or so. Who do you think is educating, picking those crops, examining, cleaning, building, inventing and fighting, so your child can live in this oh so amazing world??? Do you think it is all daddies that are doing all this? There are plenty of mommies that leave their babes so that can do their part to make this world so wonderful for your children. Think about that and shut the fuck up, around me at least.  

Parenting Advice

In light of my last post, I was asked what advice would I have for a new parent. I was like, 26.2 lessons wasn’t sufficient? But anyhow, my feelings about parental advice are complicated. I personally don’t really mind it. At times it is pretty ridiculous like kissing the baby’s face gives them acne, to inappropriate; we shouldn’t spin sperm to get a girl, but mostly it is benign. I know others mean well, so I don’t get all spun about it.  However, I have been around when others have gotten advice that is overbearing. 

So here goes mine. Do what you think is right for your kid. You do know best. Do what works for your family. Do what works for your kid. No one knows better than you.

Also, don’t get all gungho on some theory, it is just that, a theory and you can pick and choose how you want to apply it. There has been quite a lot in the press lately, Time magazine boob sucking, about different theories. What I took away from it is that scientifically no theory seems to produce better kids and that most of us pick a theory that goes with our personality. Duh.

I just really think that people should keep their big opinions to themselves, and that goes for their kids and others too. Just lay off, mind your own business and kid.  These mommy wars are really asinine. More female bullying imo. This article today in the Huffington Post said it very well.

What I wish I had known about being a Mom

I talked about the gross side of pregnancy that no one told me about, well after over a year into this, I am going to open up my big pie whole and share my wisdom about being a mom.  This is a blog after all,

1. It is way more fun to shop for your child, your body will not go back despite the number on the scale.  Yoga pants are your best friend, stock up.

2. You are still you even if you could drive a truck through  your vag at one point. You may no longer recognize yourself, but your baby does. So it is okay.

3.  You were once a judgey person when it came to others kids and parenting habits. You will feel enormous guilt for that. Being a new parent takes tremendous support. Take it when it is offered to you, ditch the proud. And take every opportunity to give it to others. Others will judge you and they can just go fuck themselves.

4.  Your child will humiliate you in public, restaurants are a special level of hell. Embrace it. Also get down on your knees and clean up the trough your child left. It is good manners.

5.  Mommy instincts are amazing, trust them above all others, including the judgey folk, baby books and those stupid celebutards.

6.  You will often feel like you have no idea what you are doing, you are probably right. Your baby will forgive you, they don't remember much about those early days anyway. I dropped mine twice during the first months, no one is worse for wear. Also if you are doubting yourself, that probably means you are doing the right thing.

7.  You will think your child is the most beautiful baby in the world. You may be very wrong. However, I am very right.

8.  Do get professional photos, at least once. Especially newborn ones, because they look very funny at that time and a pro can make them look amazing. And photo shop your post-partum beard as well.

8.2  Personal hygeine is optional. I considered it a win if I brushed my teeth every other day.

9.  Yoga pants, bomb diggity. Needs to be said again. I wore the ass out of mine. I bought more.

10.  You have not lived until you have had diarrhea with your baby sitting on your lap. For the record they don't seem to mind the smell, the grunting scares them though.

11.  A nipple shield is a horrifying thing. You can live 38 years and not know you have flat nipples.

12.  Breastfeeding can be EXTREMELEY difficult. It just may not work or be for you. That is totally okay. You might just hate nursing. It is okay to stop. Don't let the asshats tell you differently. Switching to bottles may be your personal Prozac.

13.  The day your child is born may not be the best day of your life. In fact, it was one of my worst, most terrifying, anxiety ridden, cuckoo for coco puffs days of my life. It has not faded in my memory and I am not over it. I will try to have a child again. But holey fucking pastrami sandwich will it be different. I hope so.

14. Your bladder may never be the same. Invest in some moisture wicking undies.  I like underarmour

15.  Sex drive? Enough said.

16.  Other mommies can be downright fucking liars. Your six week old slept 12 hours a night. Total horseshit.  They will be competitive at best, at worst hypocritical psychopaths if it means they can one up. Walk away and never go around them again.

17.  Bliss, sometimes yes. Exhaustion and feeling completely overwhelmed, that more accurately described the first few months.

18.  You do not need to have a nursery or first birthday worthy of pinterest. Put that money in the college account. 

19.  You have my permission to be as annoying and crazy as you want those first months. Be paranoid and irrational all you want. You worked for this level of hormonal flux, enjoy the ride.

20.  Take help when offered, ask for it or beg for it. Have people bring meals. Flower bouquets are nice, my cat ate them. Clothes are sweet, more laundry great. Food that I do not have to make or clean up, gold. Better yet, can you do a load of laundry for me. thanks.

21.  Your body may never be the same. My nipples resemble baloney slices. Several day old slices. Truth.

22.  Your car is now a mechanized waste basket. You may look like a hillbilly with all the gear shoved in.

23.  Sleep when the baby sleeps, try it. I was not so good at it.

24.  Your sleep will never be the same. The baby finally at 13 months sleeps through the night. However, I still wake up. Sometimes it is my bladder, other times paranoia.

25.  Depth of love you feel blows you away. I knew I would feel this for my child, that was not a shock. However, the love I feel for my spouse has literally taken my breath away. Watching him be a dad, take care of me when I was flying over the cuckoo's nest, the growing bond between us. That is amazing. That shit is liked gooey chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven. But better.

26.  Being a mommy is more amazing than anyone told you. Also more gross, anxiety riddled, anger producing, identity sucking and oppressive. Carry on.

Dress-up

After two years of looking like ass because I could I now make myself purty for work. I kinda forgot that I am not half bad looking. And work clothes so much more flattering than the grunge. But not to be undone had to go back home at 10 and fully change. Still figuring out how to drink coffee and drive again. As my husband aptly named me, Spillary

Not gonna lie

I'm about to board a plane to SF sans husband and baby. Going to a friend's wedding shower. I am incredibly excited to go to see my City and friends by the Bay. Fun!!!!!!!!!

Dream Realized.

It happened. It actually happened. It is working out. It is still sinking in. I was told today that due to another psychologist retiring I would be offered a full-time permanent school psychologist position. In the town next to my husband's University. And it is a great school district that treats it's psychologists extremely well. We can decide if we want to re-enlist in the reserves. The husband can stay in school if he wants to. We can pay our rent. We did it. We really did. I really have no deep thoughts. All I can think of is fragments, patience, perseverance, trust, support, love, belief, risk, and success.  This has been a long road, but really not that long when you think of the length of life.  My heart is so full right now.  I am so proud of us. I am so grateful to have crested this peak. We are going to have the most kick ass summer EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Working Mom Week 2-and I cried

I have a pretty good schedule going, it goes like this:

Monday: Baby in child care, I work 8-4

Tuesday: Baby with Daddy, I work 8-4

Wednesday: Baby with me all day, I do not shower, I do notwork, leaving the house totally optional

Thursday: Baby with Daddy, I work 8-4

Friday: Baby in child care, I work 8-4

It is pretty bitching. And I only do this for less than twomonths and then I have three months off. Perhaps that is why I am not feelingmore guilt? But this morning when baby burst into full red faced sobs andscreamed Momma as I fled in my super cute work outfit with curled hair and amade-up face, I felt reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllybad. My childcare provider, who is awesome, and gives the baby so much love andhas a dog, which is like his favorite thing, texted me that he was fine by thetime I got to my car. Me, I cried all the way to work.  I do still like working. My career was a hugepart of me, and something I truly enjoyed, and the bottomline is I need towork, it is not a choice for my family. We went to Walmart after work and I bought him one of those stupidpillow pals. It made him happy. I also bought a new plastic soap dispenser. That made me happy.

First week as a working mom wrap up, break it down....

I think we did well. No major disasters besides the husband breaking the soap dispenser, it matched the cup and toothbrush holder and bbb has discontinued the set-FUCK, leaving the liquid soap and broken ceramic molted into the bathmat with the tag on because I was still deciding, dried and I cleaned it up with no complaint. And my old laptop with all my pilfered thousands of dollars of scoring software that I never had the discs or rights for, died. But we are all still standing, no one was injured, no major blow-out fights, I think I helped a few kids, and we are ready to KILL week two. I went to bed every night by 9, I am craving mayo and my boobs hurt. I don't see how it possible that I am pregnant. We will not be trying until we can assure the FMLA will be in place. I am probably loving being back at work a bit too much and should be feeling more mommy guilt and be missing my child more. But truthfully I just really love working and my kid is doing great and my house despite moving A WEEK AGO is really not that bad. And of course the husband had THREE FUCKING days of drill this weekend, and I met a bloggy in real life and it was awesome. So I say WINNING!!!