Holidays Past & Present

3 Xmas' ago my boyfriend was in Iraq
2 Xmas' ago I had gotten engaged and was living in San Francisco
1 Xmas ago I was pregnant and living in Georgia
This Xmas  my baby husband and I are all living in Southern California, rad.

#74, and you call yourself a school district & #75, with feeling

For your reading pleasure, received yesterday, my 74th rejection letter:


Dear Sunny,

Thank you for your interest in the Psychologist (SHORT-TERM POSITION), position at . [yes that was left blank] After careful review of the applications submitted, the screening committee selected other candidates for furtDistrict Office/Special Educationher consideration. We wish you the best of luck in your career endeavors.


X, Ed.D.
Assistant Superintendent, Special Education
X School District

Oddly enough the same day I received this horribly completed rejection form letter, they posted for two open positions, I will apply of course.

Not to be outdone, today I got my 75th via email:

Subject line: So Sorry
(So seriously that was the subject line, so feeling sorry for myself, thanks for reminding me!)

Dear Applicant X,

We appreciate the time and effort you put into your application for the position of Clinical School Psychologist/SELPA at the X School District. A strong group of candidates applied for this postion. The screening committee for the position of Clinical School Psychologist/SELPA did not select you for a personal interview. Your application and supporting documents will be kept in the data base in case another position becomes available.


Thank you for your interest in our district. Best wishes for success in the future.


There is nothing I can do but keep applying and looking into other job avenues.  And try to keep my crying jags to a minimum, totals this week: 2

#73, the nicest yet

I just got my 73rd rejection letter for a school psychologist position. And I have to say, that this is the nicest one yet.  And while I know that it is a form letter and they don't really mean what they say, I somehow feel a  bit warm and fuzzy that those that rejected me last are so nice.


Dear Sunny ,

On behalf of the X School District,


We would like to thank you for your interest in the Psychologist position in our District.  It was difficult to make a selection as all applicants were well qualified.

While you were not selected, we would like to take this opportunity to thank you for applying/interviewing and personally commend you on your professional achievements. 

We were pleased that someone with your qualifications is interested in the X School District.  Please do not be discouraged; be persistent in your goals.  We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

X Martin, MPA
Human Resources Coordinator
X School District

Nicely put huh? I will try not to get discouraged, I continue to be persistent. People ask how we are doing and I honestly answer just fine. The day to day is just fine. We are managing. We spend only on necessities, holiday presents for the baby were done within a budget, we cook a lot and I am oddly enjoying Sons of Anarchy, our entertainment these days.  We could go on like this for a long time. Living with the in-laws is not so bad.  What grips me and sends nausea and chills through me, is the number 73. How the fuck are we going to get out of here? Are we going to be able to continue to manage? So I just try to focus on the day to day ease of things, continue to job hunt, appreciate what we have, and tell myself to be hopeful.  

Ridiculous

Every time I think to myself, how the hell are we going to get back on our feet??? A moment like this occurs and it resonates with me, first I get to be here for every one of these moments and second, my child gets all this love from his grandpa.  Win Win.

The hunt continues

Things here at Casa Fish are good. I mean I continue to torment myself with the anxiety laden voices in my head, but I am trying to fight them.  However, the job hunt continues to be dismal. Every time I think I have a decent lead or in, it fizzles.  I am beginning to feel like I am beating a dead horse. I have to come to grips that what I am doing is not working, and I must do something different if I want to have a different outcome.  Later today I am meeting with some school district officials, thanks MIL, and they are going to give me some feedback.  I am also beginning to think outside the California box. Yep after wishing and hoping and strategizing to get back to California, we are beginning to think the job market for my field is just too tight for me to land a job. And the bottom line is that for now I have the most potential to be the big breadwinner. Hubs is looking into other things too.  We shall see.

When I am not wallowing, I do it well, what can I say? I am able to appreciate this pretty amazing time in our lives. The fishy is growing up so fast, too fast. He is going on 9 months. How the fuck did that happen. Except for him not sleeping through the night, he is a complete joy.  I never thought I would get to be a stay at home mom, and I feel so fortunate to spend all this time with my baby. Living with the in-laws continues to go well. Yeah I get irritated from time to time, but again that is usually due to my own moodiness and not them.  We are beyond fortunate to have this support.  

Thank you Mr. Colbert for once again supporting our troops

I wish I could figure out how to put videos in my blog, I am just not that smart, but seriously watch this and send it around

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/402700/november-17-2011/the-word---the-1-?xrs=share_copy

My cat insists, I am the centerpiece turkeys!!!

Yeah

It feels incredibly good to be back home in Northern California.

San Francisco Bound!

Heading to my City by the Bay. Driving with the hubs and baby and a suv load of crap. I simply am an overpacker. Let's all accept it and move on. Got my bff's 40th bday bash. Yes I am that old. A client. Yes I still get referrals in Norcal. Shall we get some soon in SoCal. Thanks. Blogging from my iPhone as the passenger. Gtg. Gotta puke. Have a great weekend y'all!

Switching teams

our kitty is getting real comfortable here. probably too comfortable. we just had to track her down in the parents bedroom hanging out with them and the dog. this does not bode well for our rode trip this weekend sans kitty.  i hope my baby doesn't switch teams this easily. i hope i can become more like my kitty and feel so at home. its not anything anyone is doing. it is just me. and my neurotic self that can't stop beating myself up about this situation.  i am locking down the kitty in our wing until we leave. that is final.

A real update

Now that all that drama that caused me to change blogs is through with let's get back to what is really important, blogging about myself! We have been in California a little over three weeks and I have to say things are going well.  No I have yet to get a job, but I am still working on it.  I am doing my best to have a positive and proactive attitude. So far it has not yielded anything substantial besides controlling the number of meltdowns and raging bitchy wife sessions I have. However, those aforementioned are not entirely absent. 

It does feel incredibly good to be back in our home state and sorta on the path toward our goals. I would like a bit more forward movement but I try to be patient and focus on daily steps.  It has been a huge adjustment living with my in-laws, but actually it has been easy and nice. It is just, I have not lived with my parents in 21 years, and to be suddenly living with my husband's.......................

I feel like an old piece of fish that is stinking up the trash. I know I am the only one that feels this way, but the guilt, shame, and horror are present as much as I try to tamp them down.  Luckily, everyone else does not seem to be plagued like I.

My mother-in-law loves having her grandchild around and knowing that she is helping her family.  Truly that is what she enjoys most. So, her home is more crowded, it doesn't seem to bother her much. Or at least she doesn't show it under my ever watchful overly analytical and paranoid eyes, I have yet to detect it. 

For my father-in-law, I think it is more of an adjustment. He is used to having the house to himself all day long.  He is retired and is spending his days renovating their home, taking care of the dog and competitively bike racing. Basically he is a badass. But, ya know now he has his son, daughter-in-law, grandson, a cat, and two snakes crowding his days. I think on some small level he might enjoy the company???

Their dog, a very yappy Papillion, I am truly very proud of. I thought the dog would be the aggressor towards our cat. Nope. My cat is the bitch and the dog is showing remarkable restraint. Truly I think the cat is making the best adjustment out of everyone. The cat has five times the house to roam, 4 times the number of people to vex, and a dog to "play with".  The cat has returned to sleeping in the bed with us, purring frequently, and generally being quite the sweetie. In Georgia she pretty much kept to herself. 

The baby, is having some bumps. His sleep has gone all fubar and he waking up throughout the night, sometimes ten times a night and I REFUSE to let him cry it out. So, yeah, no sleep for me these days. 

My husband, is very happy to be home, is getting ready to start school in January, and is enjoying some very well deserved downtime. That is when I am not pestering him to do things.  I am not showing remarkable restraint. 

The snakes. Well my mother-in-law is not so happy with the ginormous monstrosity of a cage smack dab in the middle of her den. Um, a X-mas tree is supposed to go there. I am staying out of it. Not my problem anymore right?

Me. I am so happy we are here and on this path, no regrets or second-guessing, albeit as mentioned before a bit horrified.  However, the hubs and I as always are functioning as a remarkable team. We have always tackled challenges well.  Yep that is why I married him. Basically, I do not think there is another soul on the face of this earth that I could tread this path with and still be so in love with. 

That's what I get right?

So I am an idiot and thought I had concealed my identity well enough that a certain someone would not find my blog. Well I commented on a childhood friend's blog and used my real name so she would know it was me. And I guess that allowed a search engine to bring up my comment and then track back to my blog. And now the person whom has not had access to my life by mutual actions and decisions has read my blog. And probably printed it out and is doing the very thing that resulted in them not being a part of my life.

I mean I put up a blog so this is what can happen.  So what I think I will do is start a new blog and you have found it.  If you are a former reader, welcome back!

And if you are that person that was the impetus for the move, please know I have scrubbed you clean from this blog. While my feelings and thoughts were real and valid, displaying them in a public forum was not okay. So, if you have found me again, rest assured you will never be mentioned here again. I simply ask that you be respectful of the information you found. It is my life and my choices. It is not your place to judge, denigrate and pathologize. Thank you.

Fishy

So glad I decided to get professional photos!

Feeling sappy

16 months ago I boarded a plane and left a life I had spent 38 years building. I truly felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart in San Francisco. In two weeks I board a plane back to California (Southern this time), and now I will return with my arms literally full of my family (baby and cat), and a husband not far behind with much of our crap in a U-Haul. I know the road ahead is not what we originally envisioned and there are big challenges ahead. But, I am going to do my very best to keep in the forefront of my mind, that my biggest dream came true. I have my own family. The rest we will work out together.

Rising Above

Disclaimer: This post is about lame stupid shit that I wish was not pooping in my life. I wish I could simply dismiss this kaka. Sadly I cannot.

The days are numbered and like a good shrink I am processing my 15 months here. On the whole Georgia has been incredibly good to us and we have all grown. I am glad I was here and had these experiences, even the hard ones.

I am trying super hard to rise above and away from ridiculous army wife drama. As you might recall, and you can read about here and here and here, I had a very hard time making friends at first. Fish worked many long hours, it was disgusting outside, I was a hormonal wreck in my first trimester, and depressed and lonely. I finally made some friends. And honestly they were very different than previous friends of mine. But I was different and my life was different. And I was desperate. Fish often commented, especially about one person in particular, that he was surprised I was friends with such. He didn't think of her that favorably. I replied that she had reached out and brought me into the fold, and I appreciated her for who she was. Well in the last couple of months some incredibly immature, unethical, hurtful and super uncool behavior has gone down. I have handled it maturely, by talking directly with the person involved in a calm open manner. Unfortunately I am not dealing with a mature or nice person, and it just kept getting worse, so I just removed myself from this group of friends, and tried to maintain the friendships I had separately with each individual in this group. I never trashed said person, dragged other people into, even spoke about, if it was brought up, I would simply say it was between myself and such and preferred to keep it that way. I am not going to get into the nitty gritty of what happened, because so not worth it. But I can honestly say that while I feel very good about standing up for myself (trust me, this was one of those situations where you must say something, it was ethically horrible what was done) and I full on knew that it risked creating major waves. And the easier thing was to keep my mouth shut and ride out our time here. But what occurred was so egregious I simply couldn't let it go. And others in the group were equally horrified, or so they said. And they all RSVP'd to our farewell party, so I thought things were okay.

I could tell by facebook that everyone was getting together often and we were not being included. But honestly I was totally okay with it. I didn't want to be anywhere near this person, and we have other friends who have been actual friends to us. So, okay we enjoy our final days and move on. Then, the one person I am closest with in this group, and the actual one who came to me in the first place and alerted me to what was going on, because she in part was also horrified, has done a nasty. She was my belly buddy too. She is having a birthday party in her home and I was not invited and the nasty person was. Okay, I can kinda see it, we are leaving, don't make waves, etc. But fucking own it, tell me, don't let me figure it out through facebook. By the way I am beginning to loathe facebook. And then, the husband of my belly buddy, who is facebook friends with my husband, invites him to the party!!!! I believe he has no idea what is going on, but I had to cringe and laugh at the same time. And I just gotta say;

16 more fucking days in this fucking place!!!!

And I hope to never be so fucking desperate again to make friends with such asshats. In fact I never have before, and I have to hope that I won't again. I am sorry this is such a lame post about lame things. I feel lame even writing it. But is it bugging me, so I am lame and writing this. Peace out!

Irrational Packing

18 days I get on a plane. I have practiced strolling around with the baby, diaper backpack and cat. I can totally do this! What I cannot do is let go of some of my things. We are separating the items that are considered HHG (Household Goods) that will go into some unknown Army storage space in an unknown location for who knows how long from our DITY (DO It Yourself) items that we will take via U-Haul to the in-law's house. Space is limited there. I don't want his parents to shit their pants when they see how much stuff we are bringing. The baby gear alone is massive. Two footlockers of toys (most were hand-me-downs or used). What I cannot get myself to put in storage is all my newborn baby things, not even my maternity clothes. I know it is pretty crazy to fathom that we will still be living with the in-laws and having a second child. Hello if we cannot afford to live independently we cannot afford to have another child. Rationally I totally get that. Everyone believes I will eventually get a job and we will be self-supporting. I worry I won't. I tried so hard this go around and got bumpkus. I am six months shy of 40. Have you looked at the statistics for women having babies over 40? Though my statistics were not so great for having a baby at 39 either and look what happily happened!!! So I had a massive meltdown over my breastpump. I NEED to bring it. Also my maternity clothes, newborn bathtub, baby swing, bouncer, newborn-6 months clothes, playmat, tummy time pillow, and the list goes on. 5 tubs. Big tubs. I look forward to the Fish telling me "I told you so" when we unpack these in our own home. But for now, they are coming with us. I know it is irrational, but it simply makes me feel better knowing they are with us. I donated over half my closet, down to two tubs of shoes, and only bringing one small box of books. Compromise to make room for my insanity.

The data is in

It has been a fast and furious week or so. We finally got our orders, quickly attended our transportation briefings, scheduled our movers, reserved our U-Haul for the partial DITY and booked a one-way ticket for myself, the baby and the cat (that should be fun plane ride!) I am already laughing at the image of myself hauling balls across DFW with the baby strapped to me and that cat in the carrier. We have a 40 minute connection! But hey it was a free ticket thanks to all the frequent flyer miles I racked up this summer. Didn't get a job out of it, but did get a free plane ticket. Hey it is something!!! We have the big stuff nailed down and lots of little things to do. I am excited, nervous, nostalgic, hysterical, and joyful all at the same time. I am ready for this next chapter of our lives to begin. 24 days and counting and we head home. Amazing.

Real Homecomings

The recent rash (does 2-3 shows qualify as rash?) of homecoming shows has struck me several different ways. On the one hand I am happy to see coverage of military families. On the other hand I feel it glamorizes, simplifies, cheesifies, and minimizes the pain and sacrifice of military families.

As I sat and reflected yesterday on 9/11/01 the one thing that kept sticking with me, while I read and watched memorials, is that one of the true aftermaths of 9/11 was barely being shown. The simple truth is that the most moving homecomings are not when some show gets the daddy to dress up like a knight and surprise his son. Or when the daddy shows up at a little girl's kindergarten class. It is not even when the family dog goes berserk when it sees its master for the first time.

What sticks in my mind is when Heidi saw her husband for the first time at Dover AFB in a flag draped coffin. When Karie buried her husband after a valiant fight with amputation, PTSD, TBI, and then to die in an inpatient PTSD facility. When Rachel buried her husband before he ever met his new born baby girl. We cheer on Dena as she heroically rebuilds her life after her beloved husband gave the ultimate sacrifice. When Megan's husband stood for the first time on his prosthetic leg. And now we wait for Kat see her beloved husband minus two legs in an Army hospital. There are way too many more out there, this is just a itty bitty snippet.

While I understand those homecomings are private and I would never want them invaded and cheapened by cameras. But I do desperately want the 99% of the American populace that are not directly touched by this war to UNDERSTAND THESE HOMECOMINGS.

It has been 10 years and much has changed. Thanks to our brave soldiers we are a safer nation. However, so many military families continue to fight through death, injury, separation, and mental illness. These families are the greatest of the next great generation." Not just today, but EVERYDAY, they should be celebrated, loved and supported.

Prayers for a fellow milblogger

One of my favorite bloggers' husband has been injured. Please keep them in your thoughts. It is time to circle the wagons and support one of our sisters.

http://unlikelywife.blogspot.com/

stoopid

i am so ready to be out of this place. i swear if i stayed here much longer my mojo will have atrophied beyond regeneration. i am having a glass half empty day. i am struggling to hold onto my identity, make this ets transition, and not beat the shit out of myself. the rational part of me knows this anxiety i am feeling is biochemical. that there is a very real anxiety provoking situation here. that we will be okay. that we will get through this. that we will achieve our goals. that at the end of the day i am living the dream. however, the rational brain is not in control. bsc (batshitcrazy) is.

i have not been sleeping well. part of that is for the last five months i have not slept through the night. i am sick right now and that makes sleeping hard. and i have anxiety coursing through my veins sending shards of glass into my precious organs. that is what anxiety feels like to me. i know what to do to dampen the beast, but my best tricks, exercise, and sleep just are not possible right now. i am hoping my other tricks will work, reaching out to friends, though that is limited to one that I trust here, distracting myself with getting important things accomplished, just letting myself cry, focusing on the funny and positive, and reminding myself that this too shall pass. and yes avoiding triggers.

now if i could have magically made our second car not break down yesterday (yeah that shit again) and I could have prevented talking to that stupid person that instead of setting up the savings account for my child as i asked, started selling me life insurance and scared the complete crap out of me and contributed to me feeling like a looser and that I was failing my child.

alright, i am gonna get dressed so once fishy gets up we can get out of the house and distract me. okay. deep. breath. i. got. this.

A PSA for the reserves and marching on

This week we checked one of the vital "To Do" items from our ETS list. Fish joined the Army reserves. For anyone out there in mil-land that is considering ETS I gotta share the specs. I am not going to sugar coat it, we are doing this for the health care. Some might judge and scoff about duty, but for our family ETS was the best decision, and trust me if you have read along, this decision was not come to easily. In order for our little family to continue to receive tricare prime we will be paying 197.66 for our entire family. If we want dental that is another 45. That is crazy cheap. In addition, we do not start paying the premium for 6 months from our ETS date, as our current coverage is good until then. That is what I am calling a signing bonus, even if Fish says technically it is not. Nearly $1500 in our pockets is a bonus for me!!! Fish joined the Army Reserves for one year, and in that one year he is under a stabilization order, meaning he cannot be deployed overseas. If there is a need CONUS, he will happily serve. Just please don't send my husband back to the sandbox, been there done that, twice. At the end of his reserve year, he has the option to sign-up again for three years. I really applaud the military for having this options for ETS'ing soldiers. It is a bridge we desperately needed. I truly think we would be re-enlisting if we didn't have this option. So thank you!



I had a phone interview for an internship this week and can I just say, Breath. of. fresh. air. They were so nice. Said things like, you have amazing experience, we feel we could learn from you. I mean, someone played angry birds during my last interview, my ego needed this. And truthfully I have always felt really good about my professional skills and was so frustrated with the outcome of my job search. In the end I have an unpaid internship if I want it. If we do end up living at grandma's this could work. They were very understanding and told me to just let them know when I know, and they would be "thrilled" (yep they used that word, to have me.



I got a call for another interview. My first reaction was, ah man, not again. Nice attitude huh? I just don't have it in me to make another trip out. The financial and emotional expense, the three ring circus that goes on with the California crew in order to accommodate us, it is just too much. So I called them and asked for a phone interview, and they granted it!!! Really. I asked. They said yes. Just like that. I mean of course this could simply mean I am not a viable candidate and they already have someone for the position but simply have to interview more than one person. But I am not getting on a plane and all that entails and if this is a good job, it will be. I am done twisting and turning.

Keeping it in perspective

Most recently Fish's unit has begun to have an active FRG. He will have been in this unit two years come January and just now there is an FRG. Um, okay. The leaders of the FRG got necklaces made from the pins that go on the berets. Um, okay. No one was going to the events, so now if your spouse doesn't come the soldier has to. So now I am going and finding it highly amusing. When I hear about where people are PCS'ing to next, Italy!, I get a bit wistful. When people hear about our plan, to move back to California and in with our parents with a baby and a kitty in tow, they get a bit aghast. I guess there is nowhere in the etiquette manual for how to act around us defectors. No we are not retiring, no we are not independently wealthy, yes we are basically winging it and hoping it works out. The conversation usually ends about there.



But the conversation keeps going in my head. I would say 90% of the time I am pretty chill about our situation. We did everything we could to be in a better financial/vocational situation, but it didn't work out. We truly want to return to California and believe we will eventually get on our feet. I am choosing to dwell on the positive. We have a gorgeous baby. The statistics were not in our favor. At 38 years of age it was not supposed to come to us so effortlessly. I have friends and those on the blogosphere who so struggle with this. I will never lose the perspective of how grateful we are. I have the most amazing in-laws who love us so and will do almost anything to support us. I did not grow up in such a family, but married into one. I will never lose the perspective on how fortunate I am. I spent years pounding the pavement as a single female and then happenstance brought me the Fish. I was 36 when I met him, he was deploying to Iraq a month later. But we fell in love despite this and have a wonderful relationship. I will never lose perspective on how lucky I am.



When other thoughts enter my mind I think of these faces.





Getting Big!



Love conquers all we hope!



truly won the in-law lottery

Reality

I hold these truths to be self-evident:



I could not have tried harder to secure a job in California.



The economy is bad.



The Employment Development Department is a mess.



I will be writing the three trips to CA off on my taxes as job search related expenses.



We will be living with my in-laws until we are on our feet again.



Transition from military to civilian world is no joke.



Our problems are ones with solutions and we will eventually achieve success.



Our third trip to CA was woefully unsuccessful. It began with Fish attempting to work in his Grandma's company only to be shut-down and to learn that the company is doing quite poorly. Then as Grandma's finances and life are being examined as she goes into the nursing home, the possibility of living in her home is becoming slim. During my interview it was readily apparent they were going through the motions and had already found their candidate. In fact one of the people on the interview panel had a malfunction with the mute button on their computer and we all heard that he was playing Angry Birds. I. SHIT. YOU. NOT. In lieu of re-hiring me, my old job hired three freshly out of graduate school psychologists and didn't have the courtesy to let me know I was not selected. We arrived in CA on Sunday and by Tuesday evening I was bawling my head off. And oh yeah Fishy got up at 4am every morning since he was on East Coast time.



So yeah the trip was one big very expensive hot mess. I tried really hard to shake the mood and enjoy our time. We are pulling ourselves together and moving forward. Luckily the Fish has been so amazing. Truly I am really appreciating his rational maleness right now. I wail and ramble about how frustrated and hurt I am. He stays calm and somehow finds the positives in the situation. He whips out the military lingo and it actually makes sense. He looks at it as we are coming back from a deployment in Georgia and have to come home to re-set. It is going to take some time. Perhaps we were unrealistic that we were going to transition so easily. Perhaps the shitty economy is a variable. But we are going to be okay and he is excited for us to be back in California. And he is excited to live with his parents because he sees how great it is to have that support. He is excited to join the Reserves. So for now we are waiting our ETS orders and will be heading out of here the beginning of November. And then? We will deal with it as it comes.

Westward March Part III

In four days I am getting on a plane and heading to California for an interview. This was decided today because I got a call for an interview today and need to be there asap. I cannot believe I am making a third trip. Or shall I say we are making a third trip. Since I will have the Fishy of course, but this time I will have the Fish as well. He is between training classes and thus he can take leave, and once again his awesome company gave him leave on short notice. Hooray Army!

I am trying not to get excited about the prospect of this job as I have learned from very recent experience, I am very far from actually getting a job. But there are some serious positives. The job location is commutable distance from the in-laws and from grandma's house. The in-laws and grandma live 45 miles apart and somehow this place is sorta in the middle. Nice. Miles in Southern California are like dog years, one mile equals 20, so a commute of 20 miles could very well take you two hours if you are so unlucky. So if miracles occur I could live at the in-laws for several months while Fish finishes the Army in Sweatyville and then we could move into grandma's. Not too shabby. The job also has great benefits, like fully paid benefits for yourself AND your dependents. That is basically unheard of in public education in California these days. Nice. again.

This prospect almost wanted to make me want to hold off on Fish joining the reserves, as we were doing that for health care. (FYI: less than $200 a month to have tricare standard, that is CHEAP!!) But Fish has gotten a bit gungho about the Reserves, so okay, go for it. It is a one year commitment with zero possibility of a OCONUS (overseas, Afghanistan) deployment. I mean one weekend a month is nothing major and two weeks a year, is not bad either. Plus his reserve base is get this 2 miles from grandma's. Nice. again. again.

When I first got the call for the interview (actually an email) and began thinking about the schlep out to CA, I was excited but a bit weary at the thought of doing the haul again. But then I got the idea for Fish to come as well. And then I started getting really excited. Hello it is 1am and I am blogging, can't sleep. We should probably be saving our money and not springing for two plane fares, but what the fuck, let's live a little. It has been way stressful of late trying to figure out our life. I have felt like we have been trying to nail jello to a tree, as the saying goes. Let's go home as a family and have some fun. So that is exactly what we are going to do. Amen

77%*

That is the probability of knowing what we are going to be doing come ETS. Are you as sick of hearing our different plans as I am? Fish is having the most difficulty with the constant changing of plans. I keep reminding him that we cannot make firm plans until we have firm data, and well now we have some.

I am on my third antibiotic and it seems to be working. That or this was simply viral and it has run it's course. I pulled Fish out of the field again, I was so sinking, and his CPT ordered him out for the entire weekend. His company are good folk. So I am on the mend.

Fishy does have acid reflux and his new Rx seems to be helping. Yahoo!!!

I had a phone interview for my old job. My old boss left when I did and the new boss, well he has some mixed reviews. I don't really care, I will make up my own mind. He was generous enough to allow me to phone interview, even when that is against policy and he is hearing impaired, and I talk really fast. So he gets points already. He is a also a gay jew, I mean hello he is one of my peeps! I felt the interview went well, even though I had a 101 temp. I liked the questions he asked and his explanations of the new policies. So we shall see.

BUT.

I don't think I want my old job anymore. Even though I found out I can even get back my super amazing two bedroom dirt cheap, great neighborhood, easy parking, safe, near the park, old apartment in San Fransisco. Confused? Me too. But not really. Basically the truth that Southern California is better for my little family has never changed. As much as I WOULD LOVE to be back in San Francisco, in my fab apt, in my great old job, with all my wonderful friends, start back up my private practice in a jiffy, it would be bad news bears for my family as a whole. For Fish and his post military adjustment So Cal would be so much better for him for so so many many reasons. I can live in either nor cal or so cal and be happy, that is not really the case for Fish. Also Fish's family is amazing and having them in our lives versus treading water in the super expensive rat race of the Bay Area?

And then this happened.

Grandma Fish has not been well and she is now going into a nursing home. She has a humongo gorgeo 4 bedroom house in Orange County. They cannot sell it for various reasons and the family doesn't want to rent it. So they want us to live in it, get it cleaned out for the day when it is time to sell, keep the house nice for a few years, and what do they need from us in return? Pay our utilities. That. is. it.

Now most people would jump at this opportunity. For me, it has taken me a lot of time to feel that this the right decision for us. I am at 77%. It took a lot of discussions to understand that this is not a hand-out. I have been given very few things in my life. I have had to work for everything. I am not saying this to be like oh poor me, but just to explain to be given such a gift, it is jarring.

We still do not have a reliable income stream as my unemployment benefits are up in the air. But we do have the GI Bill living stipend which is nothing to sneeze at. And I have some ideas how to make some income too. And I still want to try to get a position as a school psychologist next year. But I have realized that I have to do something different next year if I want to get hired. I have the following ideas: hire a professional to revamp my resume and cover letters, take the 11 month course to get my diplomate in nuero-school-psychology (something I have always wanted), work towards becoming a Board Certified Behavior Analyst, possibly restart my doctorate (again), intern a few days a week to start networking in so cal, and be a mommy.

This awesome house is on a cul-de-sac. I grew-up on a cul-de-sac and I always wanted my children to have that experience.

*I think I just raised to 81%.

Really?

I swear all I can do right now is laugh. Fish headed into the field for 11 days. That is a long time. Yes deployments are longer. I get it. I started feeling sick the day before he headed out and less than 24 hours of him being gone, I was down for the count. Strep throat, eye infection, sinus infection, and an ear infection. How is that even possible. I let them give me two shots in my ass just to get the antibiotics going as fast as possible. And I so don't do needles. It was that bad. Then I begged Fish to come home and take care of Fishy so I could sleep and get better. They let him, hooray!

Fishy has been going through a very cranky stage and wants constant carrying around. We think he might have acid reflux (doc appointment friday) and his sleep is all messed up. He basically doesn't nap. What four month old does that? We are starting sleep training pronto.

So today the Employment Development Department scheduled a phone interview that I HAD TO TAKE if there was a donkey's ass chance in hell of getting my benefits restored. I dragged myself out of bed and guess what?

They. never. called.


ASSHATS!!!

The replacement they hired when I left my old job resigned. I totally knew she was a piece of shit. But at the time I knew I wasn't entirely objective. But yeah I was right. So you know what that means? I could try to get my old job back. But, but, Northern California for many reasons is not the best place for us. But having a job is. So it is a bit of a quandary. So I applied and we will see what happens. If I cannot get my old job back the pebble of self-esteem I have left may crumble.

Fish homestead Reptile census:

0 lizards, 2 snakes. Major downsizing going on. Getting ready to move. Getting ready to be financially strapped. Stripping down.

My emotions all over the place. We leave Sweatyville in a little less than three months. We move into the in-laws. Our income stream depends on unemployment insurance (is still up in the air) and GI Bill living stipend (variable). I wake up in cold sweats. I go from being optimistic that it will all work out, to feeling like an utter failure (job search was a fruitless stress filled financial pit of shit), and doom and gloom that we will never get on our feet, will strain our relationship with my in-laws, and....and....and...

I have been self supporting since the age of 16 and now at the age of 39 I am moving in with my in-laws with my husband and baby. I have moments of what was I thinking pulling up stakes a little over a year ago, quitting my job, shutting down my practice, moving cross country, and starting a family. I had no right to be so selfish and irresponsible. Yeah some serious self hate going on.

California Adventure Part II

I returned a few days ago from my second trip out to California for interviews. I have definitely learned how to travel with an infant! Fishy has had 10 plane rides in the past month, oy! I spent two weeks out there and had three interviews, one being a second. I am waiting to hear if I got the job. They told me 1-2 to two days, that was last Thursday. So I am kinda feeling a bit negative about it. Plus they have not called my references. However, I was very surprised to get a second interview as I felt the first interview didn't go so well. Who knows.

We got the Fish's last day in the Army and it will be October 12th. Quite a bit later than we had hoped. We also found out we would not be getting his orders until August. When we look at that timeline a few things become clear. If I did get a job in CA I would be out there on my own for two months. Unless I got a job pretty close to the in-laws, it would not be tenable. I would be looking at putting the Fishy in daycare 10-12 hours a day even if I got a job close by. We had talked about me going out to CA in August just to be out there for possible interviews as the school year started. But, after spending this time apart, spending all the money on flights and what not, my gut is just telling me NO. Stay in Georgia and move out together as a family.

Stop the insanity.

Job hunting while taking care of a newborn has been awful. I feel so torn between taking care of Fishy and job searching. Flying back and forth has been so expensive. Being apart, blech. Having my in-laws help me out, so fortunate, but exhausting for everyone. We must stop the insanity. We came to the realization that we were running in circles. The transition from military life to civilian life was going to be a slow one. There was just no way we were going to be able to pull it off without some great cost both emotionally and financially. We felt we were going to make a wrong decision because there was so much pressure. My in-laws kept telling us that we just didn't have to do this. We could simply come live with them and figure it out. We realized we very well could end up of doing that in the long run if I do not find a job, but we have put ourselves through so much stress for what? The major drawback being that I miss the peak of the job search season, but it is not like it has been working out for me anyhow. Better to just get our boots on the ground in California and figure it out. And this way we can enjoy our final months in Sweatyville as a family.

I felt so good about the decision. Then I got home and was welcomed with a letter from the Employment Department about my unemployment benefits possibly ending. It doesn't change things, but it certainly doesn't makes things easier. We will have a roof over our heads and enough money to pay our bills. I hope.

Had to share

And back to California we go!

I got the call, actually an email, to interview for a school psychologist/school counseling position in the high desert of the inland empire of Southern California. I swear to G-d, that is actually what the region is called. It is a pretty good position, an hour drive from the in-laws. I will take it. Going to spend another week at the in-laws, they are thrilled!!! I am hoping that at least one of the six pending applications turns into an interview as well. I am ready to put this job search to bed and just focus on being a mommy and getting us back to the promised land (aka California). I leave again in a week. I hope to take less luggage and travel more efficiently. I also hope this trip is a bit more successful. If I have to go back a third time I may hire a stunt double. And now for some stinking cuteness.

California in review

I got back a few days ago and yes I am saying it, it is good to be back in Georgia. I missed the Fish and being in the bubble of my little family. California was mixed. I felt the interview went very well and I did my absolute best. However, I was not selected to go to the next stage of interviews and I was quite broken hearted. There are things I could have done differently in hindsight, but no major mess-ups. I so wanted this job for so many different reasons. I am just trying to move on from it. Traveling solo with an infant? OY. I did it, but in hindsight I think I was crazy. Changing planes, three hour layovers, trying to nurse on the plane while stuck in my baby bjorn? Let's just say Jonah got a lot of formula while flying. It was just easier and I needed easier. I am not one of those women who finds nursing to be easy. The simple mechanics of it when I am outside my home are hard for me.

I love being around my in-laws, there are such amazing people and just love on the fishy. So many people came to see the baby, sometimes 3 waves a day. It was tiring but so heartwarming. Fishy was such a trooper with everything, 6 planes in 10 days, three different homes, and except for one night, he was his usual happy easy going self. I had to go up to Northern California and see my friends and parents. It was so great to see everyone but by then I was exhausted and got the bad news and then I just wanted to go back home.

The hiring season is coming to a close for my field. I will continue to look, but the reality is setting in that there is a high probability we will be living with the in-laws. They are amazing people and they help me be a better mother and there is no denying the benefits to Fishy. We are so fortunate to have this support. It is just a bit horrifying to think this is the direction our life is taking. For the short run it will be difficult, but in the long run it will hopefully take us in the direction we want to ultimately be: living independently in California gainfully employed.

I am trying extremely hard to just be and not worry, and just enjoy this baby. I am getting better at it every day.

What's in a name?

Choosing a name for your child if you are Jewish is complicated. The name's meaning has great significance as it symbolizes the baby's prophecy. Also you may choose to name your baby after a deceased person. So without further ado, introducing...........

Jonah Jacob



Jonah for the Hebrew meaning for peace and the dove. Selected as his parents met due to war. His mother's favorite Torah parshat/bible passage; Noah's Ark. The Dove was the messenger of hope. We hope our son is raised in a world of Peace. We hope our son is a messenger of hope. That he, like his parents, strongly believe in duty, in serving others, in making the world a better place. May Jonah live a life dedicated to Tikkun Olam/Repairing the world and Gemulit Hasidim/Acts of Love and Kindness.

His middle name, Jacob, in honor of his maternal Ancestors;. the Jacobs. A tribe that wrestled with G-d and was one of the founding families of the Children of Israel.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gots me an interview with the Community College that UPS almost FUBAR'd me on!!!!

Besides an interview for a three-day a week position in Northern California, I have had zero traction in my job search. I decided to turn down the interview since I need full-time (my unemployment again would pay more, crazy!) and it was quite far from any family. We decided to keep the faith that something better would come along and if it did not, mooch off the in-laws. I am still a LONG way from securing a job, but I got an interview for a dream job and I get to go to California with the Fishy. I am soooooooooooooo excited!!!!

Groveling

So after the tomfuckery that UPS put in motion, I was told all hope was lost. My application was not going to be considered. However, I was not ready to accept defeat. Failure is not an option. I wrote a groveling email and played every card possible-I work with disabled students, I just had a baby, my husband is a combat veteran, he is going back to school to become a teacher. And you know what?

It worked.

My application will be considered.

A tough day sheds some light

Yesterday can suck it. It was also Fish's birthday, the first one we have actually spent together. It was also the last day my parents were here. It was also a day I cried a lot. In a nutshell a job application I poured my heart and soul into, actually hired someone to help me write an essay for, wanted so bad as it was the next step in my career, got FUBAR'ed. Due to UPS driver error my application was not delivered in time to be considered. Yes it was supposed to be delivered several days ahead of the deadline. But for reasons I simply do not have the strength to regurgitate it was not. Through no fault of my own. I did everything in my power to have the possible employer reconsider, SOL. I have gotten like no traction on my job search for a school psychologist position with a public school district. It is bleak out there. There was hope here. But that has been dashed by some fucktard wearing tight brown shorts and black tennis shoes. I imagine he probably wears white socks with them.

As yesterday wound on and my efforts continued to be as effective as pissing in the ocean and my mind began to spin. They like to call it in the mental health field catstrophizing. I saw us re-enlisting and the Army assfucking us and PCS'ing us to a line unit and Fish deploying and KIA'ing. It could happen. But what I knew would happen is that my child would not be spending at least his first three years near his grandparents. The past few weeks with all of our parents visiting has fed my soul. I know many milfamilies deal with this, we are not alone. But I simply don't want to do it. I grew up with a mentally ill parent who ostracized us from so many. I had no extended family around. No one to soften the suffering. No one to tell me they loved me and give me big hugs. My Dad did the best he could, he stayed in an unhappy marriage in order to attempt to protect my sister and I. However, there was really not a lot anyone could do. I want better for my child. While it will never be like it was for me, I want my child to grow up around his grandparents. My Dad is 78 and fortunately in good health. But you just never know. I want to be around my Daddy. I need to go home. I need to go home. I have to believe we will make it.

So with my heart in hand I called my in-laws. I asked them, and anyone that knows me, knows that this was huge. I asked them, "Can we come home? Can we stay with you until we get ourselves back on our feet post-Army?"

They answered, "How soon can we pick you up?"

So, the plan has changed again. We have several months until ETS (Official date is 11/28/11). Whether we have jobs or not, the Fish, the Fishess (myself), the Fishy, the 8 snakes, 3 lizards and the kitty, will be going home.

Point of No Return

It is funny when things hit you. Kinda at the oddest of moments. Was sitting on the couch trying to burp the Fishy. I totally suck at burping, someone please tell me the secret!!! It has been a little over two and a half years since I met the Fish. In that time, we survived a 12 month deployment, got married, upended my settled life of 38 years and moved across country, became a stay at home army wife, birthed a baby, and now we are plotting our hoped for reversed exodus back out West. It is a lot. So you would think I would have been having "aha" (thanks Oprah) moments all the time. Not so much. Well last night sitting on the couch watching a TV show I do not like but doing so to be nice, holding this gorgeous baby, after taking my parents back to their hotel, it just kinda hit me.

There really is no going back.

I mean I know that gorgeous life I had in San Francisco is my past and for the most part I do not mourn it much. I am nostalgic more than anything else. This is the life I always wanted, dreamed about, held out hope for, weathered dark days with the belief that I would eventually get here. Even during that 5 month period after getting married and before joining Fish in Sweatyville, my life was already changing. But somehow there has been this part of my head that has this little scenario. We could move back to SF and set up life there. I could once again ride my bike on Sundays through the Golden Gate Park, lay in the sun and drink beer at Beer Chalet, smell the air at Ocean Beach, go to Pub Trivia that evening. Get up and go to work the next day, work my private practice clients, ride the bus around, shoot the shit with my roommate, play kickball and kill it at flip cup, meet friends at a moment's notice, just be with those friends who know my soul at the drop of a hat, have as many eggnog latte's as I desire, drive over to my parents' home for TLC, watch the fog roll in and do nothing for as long as I wanted.

I have a baby now and while I am not going to go as far as proclaiming, it changes everything, it definitely makes me realize those days are in the past. Going forward this life of mine is a team sport. No more all about me. And like that is a good thing. I was feeling a bit stagnant and bored, but boy did I enjoy that life. I am glad I got 38 years to soak it up.

Here are some more gratuitous pics. The first one is one I longed for more than almost anything. Being an older mom and having a dad who is approaching 80 I feared that this moment might not ever happen. I didn't dream about having my dad walk me down the aisle, I dreamed about this:

My Dad was the only person in my entire life, before the Fish came along, that I knew loved me for me and would always always be there for me. He has always been the most important and beloved person in my life. For me to be able to put that smile on his face, well that is the best best bested.

And of course, we have to have a cute pic of the Fishy, especially now since I have figured out how to use my fancy shmancy camera on auto:

3 weeks 2 days old!

Hello all. Here are Casa Fish we are settling into parenting. We had an amazing visit with the mother-in-law, she got us right side up again, and I held tight not to sink down when she left. I advocated hard and got Fish an extra week of paternity leave (counted as convalescent so he doesn't have to use leave days!) so I wouldn't be on my own for the week in between his mom leaving and my parents arriving. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Now, I am actually doing quite well. If you asked me a week to 10 days after the birth if I would be feeling this strong and competent, I would have laughed. The traumautic labor and emergency c-section kicked my ass physically and emotionally. Throw in the mix our future being so up in the air, heavy pain killers, and the resulting anxiety was horrid. But then I turned a corner and it has gotten exponentially better. I looked at a checklist for Post-Partum depression and I had 5 of the 7 risk factors, crazy. I think being off pain killers has helped greatly. Getting ourselves into a routine, overcoming Fishy's feeding issues (he is up 10 oz past his birth weight at 3 weeks, quoting pediatrician "charged ahead of his first goal"), nursing is going well after some initial struggles, and we have worked out a routine that allows me 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep (pumping and hubs bottle feeding). We have a concise plan for our future: No school drop to allow for the maximum amount of time for me to find a job in California (been applying like mad), and Fish looking at employment possibilities as well in addition to school if I do find employment. If we come the end of August, 90 days before our ETS date), we will re-enlist for 3 years (it would have been 2 in March-lovely) and very possibly serve those three years at our current duty station as a Drill Sergeant. I have conflicting emotions, but know we must have a clear plan that ensures us sustainability. I also know I have to heal and learn to be a parent, and I simply cannot do that under the specter of uncertainty and pressure. With those things settled I am settling down and finding myself enjoying the amazing baby we have made. It's the big things and the little things. I look at his red hair like his Daddy, which I had so hoped for (4th generation first born male with red hair!), and like to think the universe was winking at me. Gratuitous pic follows.

Love at first flight

I cannot begin to blog about how wonderful it is to have my amazing mother-in-law here. I have a Mom. Fishy has a grandma. The world is a better place with her here. It will be hard when she leaves on Friday. I may have to institute some Jewish guilt and get her to stay forever.

Getting my ass kicked!

By a six pounder who shits himself 8 times a day. We are doing well here at Casa Fish, exhausted but that is to be expected. Working through the feeding issues, barely sleeping, and today got a new used car to replace that piece of shit Saturn. We spent $300 above what we got for the Saturn, and as Fish says, he can now drive around without looking like his balls are in his wife's purse. Yeah cuz you know car shopping is definitely what you want to do post-partum. Going to a car auction in Alabama surrounded by dirt balls when your baby is 8 days old, AWESOMESAUCE!!!!

But seriously I think we are doing amazing all things considered. What has been the biggest lifesaver is the support from other mommies and all my friends near and far. And oh yes, the Fish has been phenomenal. I know this is TMI but nothing is beneath him, he even milks me. It has been incredibly difficult doing this with no family around. As much as Fishy needs his mommy, honestly I need a mom too. Just not my mom. But the universe sent me my mother-in-law. When I warned her that it was like a combo of National Geographic/Boob porn around here, and I wanted to make sure she was okay with it all and she had my permission to step out. She told me the following, and this is a direct cut and paste from her email:

"I am not the least bit modest and will happily make it a topless party if that will help make everything easier for you. I want to help out any way I can and I don't want you to think of me as a guest. I'm family, your mom and Fishy's grandma.I couldn't love you more if you were my own."

Insert crying jag #34923848 of the day.

The learning curve is steep, the hormones bananas, the cuteness disgusting. Two more days until my mother-in-law arrives. THANK FUCKING GOD!!!!

The bestest from the bestie

My best friend in the whole wide world who is too far away in SF made this. WOW. Just wow!

Swaddling for idiots and the sleep deprived

sorry i cannot muster to blog more. i am averaging 2 hours of nonconsecutive sleep a night. that's okay though. love this velcro swaddle i was given. fucking brilliant!! Getting tooth fixed tomorrow. Thank G-d!!

Incoherently happy

Baby Fishy has arrived!

The Fish and I are now elated parents to a sweet little boy, born Tuesday the 22nd, 1549 EST, weighing 6 pounds, 5 ounces, 20 inches, full head of red hair (for now) which makes me beyond happy.

The birth was pretty harrowing; two epidurals since the first one didn't take, one panic attack, fully dilated and effaced and then felt pretty zen for 45 minutes of pushing only to discover that my pelvis was too small for his head to fit through, and then a C-section. No one would ever say I have small hips, but I guess it happens to even non-petite folk. Quite possibly the worst and best experience of my life.

The baby is doing great despite some feeding issues for which we are working with some amazing lactation consultants. He has an insufficient latch and weak suck. I am still fully committed to breast feeding, and we are supplementing with formula. We are on a feeding protocol which goes in three hour intervals, though sometimes we stretch it to four if we are super exhausted. It takes us an hour to feed and then we all have two hours to rest. The recovery from the C-section is not fun at all but it is all worth it to look at this goofy face.

Giving birth looking like I smoke meth

I just chipped the lower half of my front fucking tooth. No dentist in this godforsaken fucking town will see me. I go in for an induction at 5am. I look like a meth smoking hillbilly. Seriously this had to just happen. I am not making this up. It just happened.

Keeping it real

I have one cankle. Just one. I tried to take a pic of both feet so you could see the dif but it wouldn't work and I couldn't bend closer. My other foot is swollen but not like this. Btw getting a pedicure tomorrow at noon. I got the blue toe nail polish five weeks ago when they told me I would be going into labor with our baby boy very soon. It has not survived and they were WRONG.

I will not do that again

In my attempt to induce labor naturally I went for acupressure today. Or so I thought. It was actually acupuncture and I found it torturous. When I first met Fish I read a book written by an Army psychologist concerning interrogation techniques at Guantanamo Bay and Abu Graib. The gist of the book was that torture doesn't work and results in faulty intel. Well after suffering through a bit of acupuncture today I can firmly say that if I was being tortured I would tell the inflictor anything to get them to stop. Holy hell it hurt so bad. I could barely tolerate having the needles put in. And it wasn't the needles, it was what it was doing to the tendons under the skin. And then after I calmed down she came back and started manipulating the needles, to which I began wailing for her to "Stop it" and grabbed her by her shirt and started tugging. Yep I totally did that. So I spent $55 and who knows if it will work. And honestly if it does I am not even sure I want it to anymore. The idea of an induction sounds better and better, especially because I can get pain meds from the get go.

I have pain issues. Translation I cannot tolerate pain at all. When I get my flu shot I typically have someone hold me down, and even then I wail, flinch and one year I even stamped my foot! When I first tried to have an IUD put in, I kicked my gyno in the head. The procedure was aborted and I came back for the next attempt jacked up on Valium and they tied my feet to the stirrups. I also had my best friend there soothing me. And people said getting an IUD is relatively painless. Yeah fucking right.

I have a theory though why I have absolutely no pain tolerance, and it has been backed up by medical professionals. When I was 10 months old I had a very serious case of spinal meningitis. Back then in 1973 they didn't believe babies felt pain the same way and procedures like a spinal tap were done on me without much anesthesia, which they felt was more dangerous than helpful. I also have practically nonexistent veins and during that horrible bout I had a cut down on my ankle, I can show you my scar, in order to get an IV started. For an endoscopy I was sent to the oncology ward in order for those nurses to get an IV going since they are so good with tough sticks. An anesthesiologist was brought in to start an IV on my hand when I had some scan. I go bananas.

Since that time, doctors do believe that babies feel pain the same as older folk. The theory is that I have damaged neurological pain pathways resulting from those procedures and that is why I cannot tolerate pain. I have gone vasovagal during procedures, kicked the phlebotomist when they are drawing blood, and been told not to come back to the blood bank. Add in years of these experiences and as expected I have major anxiety about medical procedures. I even considered asking for an elective C-section at one point.

So after today's torturous experience, I am beginning think this induction is even more so the right thing. I mean they can sedate me when I start acting like a lunatic. I know that women have literally been doing this since the beginning of time. But those women are not me.

Counting down

It is one week until my due date and my cervix is at a standstill. I have been 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced for 4 weeks! The doc that told me four weeks ago the fishy would be here in 1-3 weeks was not accurate obviously. At my last appointment my doc told me she wants to induce the day after my due date. I was in such a dismayed state I was like okay. Then of course I got home and started second guessing myself. I began to plot how I was going to advocate for letting my body go another week. But of course I started going back and forth on that as well. Bottom line I want a crystal ball that tells me how I will avoid a C-section. Not gonna happen. So time to get analytical.

I asked Fish his opinion which led to quite a fun discussion about our individual problems solving styles. His bottom line was that I should go with my first gut feeling, it is usually right. I had to explain that there truly was no such thing. Never in my life has the path I should take just magically condensed in my gut. Rather I begin to feel anxiety and go on a hunt for every piece of data in order to start weighing my options. He gave me some Army related vignettes; land navigation, mission critical decisions. How do you think I felt about that? Luckily I had a sense of humor that evening and didn't get bent.

With all the decisions we have been faced with during our first year of marriage, we have certainly learned a lot about each other. So despite him being 5 pages from the end of his novel he put it down and we began crunching data, between him making pretend choking gestures and me saying remember you love me! It came down to this, if I push the induction to 41 weeks I lose out on some benefits of having the induction at 40 weeks. And if I push to 41 weeks there is no guarantee that I will actually avoid a C-section. So why not take the benefits and get on with it? So today if I do not spontaneously go into labor I will submit (yep that is how I feel) to being induced on the 22nd for the following benefits:

*18 days post birth of coverage between Fish's paternity leave and my fab mother-in-law visiting.
*7 days of just Fish and I with the baby figuring it out
*More time to recover if G-d willing I am summoned to CA for a job interview
*The baby will be full term (according to both our due date calculations!)

In the meantime I will continue with all my holistic methods to induce labor; herbs, sex, nipple stimulation and acupressure. Let see how long it takes for me to second guess myself.

Where we sit today

To say we have gone round and round about the our ETS situation is too put it mildly. The new dinner table rules have been helpful. Our stress level has gone down and our enjoyment of meal togetherness has gone up. A few more key pieces of data have come in and our bottom line has become clearer. It comes down to this, we cannot return to California with our life being a house of cards. But, our ultimate goals and desires involve returning to California.

Our research yielded the following data:

Fish's schooling:
We found out that despite Fish having lots of units earned from previous schooling and military service, in fact only 3 semester credits will go towards his degree. That means he is basically starting from scratch with his undergraduate degree. And then add onto that a year or so for a teaching credential. Five years. Ouch that hurt. The Post 9/11 GI Bill affords 36 months of BAH (living stipend) and is not provided during months where school is in recess. So roughly we are looking at 9 out of 12 months of BAH during the best of scenarios.

Unemployment Insurance:
My unemployment insurance could last until May 2012. Or not. If the unemployment rate in California falls below 10% it is gone. It is currently sitting at 12.5%. While it is doubtful it would drop overnight, it is not a sure thing.

Health Insurance:
Fish could join the reserves, even for just a year, and we would be able to have health insurance.

Bottom line:
If I do not have a job, we are facing the possibility that we will not be able to support ourselves. Even if Fish brings in other income. Realistically given the hiring cycle for my career field, I should be hired by mid-July. Come mid-July and I do not have a job what are we to do?

Re-enlistment?
Yep we had that discussion. And let me tell you what a circle-jerk of misinformation that was. It started with, yeah you can totally do a one-year extension and you can decide mid-July. We thought, great, this will give us a back-up plan and some breathing room. Not a bad option. Then we found out it wasn't an option, but maybe re-enlistment for one year was. Okay. Nope not an option. At this point we have been told we would need to re-enlist for two years, with the possibility of a PCS, which of course mean deployment. This ripped us both to shreds on many levels. Postponing our return one year was salty but palatable. Two years, what bitter pill is putting it mildly. I literally teared up talking to a friend about this. And Fish understandably so brought up that would put him at 10 years of service, would he really want to get out then?

So the wheels kept turning in my head. I tried to get myself off the details and get back to the big picture. The big picture is that we want to ETS and start the next phase of our life in California. Fish wants to go to school. I need and want to work. How can we make those things happen? How could we use our data in our favor? How could we use our family strengths for good? Our details we realized were limiting. We were focusing on the one private university that Fish had been accepted to. And while this school was fantastic, it limited where we could live and where I could consequently job search. And since he was so far from his degree, was there such a rush to start attending there after all? Maybe our return to California and immediately setting up our life as we wanted was going to be less linear. Perhaps simply getting back to California was the goal. With that in mind, perhaps finding a job somewhere in Southern California and Fish starting school at a community college and starting to knock out those general education requirements would be an excellent start? It would get us closer to our final goal. Re-enlisting should be a decision made because we want to continue to serve, not that we simply want to survive. It would be a step away from our ultimate goals.

So at this point, we are getting some final data about re-enlistment and if we could indeed make the decision mid-July, if need be. I am broadening my job search. I am breathing a bit easier. Now if I could just push out the Fishy, I would surely be a bit distracted from all this. Two more weeks until the due date, 3 weeks until an induction. Not much longer.

New Dinner Time Rules

Tonight I instituted new dinner table rules. You see dinner time has always been one of Fish and I's favorite together activities. I like to cook yummy meals, we sit down without distractions, have our time, and then he cleans up! However, the past few months more times than not the dinner table conversation has been taken over by our ETS/PCS conversation. It has often ruined a good meal and even worse the rest of the evening.

The stakes right now are so high. The variables so many. The control so minimal. It is wearing on us both individually and as a couple. But putting our heads in the sand is just not an option. Putting our heads together, is easier said than done, and does not always bring out the best. I would not go as far as to blog that we are butting heads, but we are both letting the stress and anxiety get the better of us. Throw in pregnancy hormones and new parent jitters, and it just has not been a good trajectory. I found myself missing my husband, missing us, missing that sacred time of the day.

So tonight over a ground turkey loaf and some steamed broccoli I proclaimed new rules. No more talking about this ETS/PCS situation as I made dinner, as we sat down to eat dinner, as Fish cleaned up. If Fish wanted to surf the internet about snakes while I cooked, he would, no more researching options and completing things on the Honey-Do list. While we ate dinner, we would talk to each other about anything but this thing. While he cleaned, I would not fret and instead take some downtime for myself.

Things are far from resolved. We feel as if our life is a house of cards on our worst days. But, but we are going to figure this out. We will come up with a plan that is best for our family and honors each person's needs as best we can. We will not allow us to become a train wreck. We just, we must preserve us, as this thing works itself out. Just as we are being purposeful about our future, we will also be purposeful about our present. Let the new rules rule.

Practicing Control

I really tried not to have this blog be preg-centric but it is all I can think about lately, so here goes. I was supposed to see my regular OB Wednesday but got moved to another doc on Thursday because mine was sick. I am receiving care from this group practice. It wasn't my first choice but due to my stupidity with Tricare I had to abruptly change OB's (and fight my former insurance company to pay a 2K bill, I won) and needed to be seen IMMEDIATELY because I am a nutter. So I ended up with what I call a buffet of OB's! Your baby is delivered by whomever is on call that day. I mean there are benefits to this approach. The doc is not as fatigued and such. And I have felt that I have gotten good care. However, the approach is probably not the best fit for me.

By rotating through docs, there is something lost in the personal doctor-patient relationship. And for someone like me who thrives on building close relationships where I feel I can trust and be nurtured, this has been a challenge. So yesterday I sat in the waiting room 90 minutes past my appointment time to be finally seen. I was getting very fatigued and bitchy. No good magazines, playing with my phone was giving me a headache. By now it was 4:45 and they were literally lining up the vagina's outside the exam rooms in order to be expedient. I could see they were trying to end their day. And like I do understand that there are multiple people with significant commitments and they needed to get out the door. I do understand that probably something came up that day that had thrown the schedule off. I am not an island onto myself. Totally get it. But I am also an irritable ball of Hellery, so maintaining a ZEN state was an effort.

I was in the exam room 93 seconds with the doc, I timed it. CRAZY me. No vag exam, just fetal heart beat and my vitals previously taken by the nurse. Everyone is fine. But no new data about my ripening. I just didn't have it in me to advocate for myself appropriately and ask why I wasn't having an exam, despite being told that from 35 weeks forward I would. I knew what would come out of my mouth would be whiny venom. So I sucked it up and cried on the drive home. Then made myself some spinach and artichoke dip and took a nap. So next week I am hoping to get an exam and some data. I am very data driven, have I mentioned that? I am also going to try to get Fish go to the doc with me next week so perhaps the odds of one person being in a zen state is higher. I have been nicer to Fish, it also means I have been less talkative as if I feel I cannot say something rational I do my best to keep my mouth shut.