Dream Realized.

It happened. It actually happened. It is working out. It is still sinking in. I was told today that due to another psychologist retiring I would be offered a full-time permanent school psychologist position. In the town next to my husband's University. And it is a great school district that treats it's psychologists extremely well. We can decide if we want to re-enlist in the reserves. The husband can stay in school if he wants to. We can pay our rent. We did it. We really did. I really have no deep thoughts. All I can think of is fragments, patience, perseverance, trust, support, love, belief, risk, and success.  This has been a long road, but really not that long when you think of the length of life.  My heart is so full right now.  I am so proud of us. I am so grateful to have crested this peak. We are going to have the most kick ass summer EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Working Mom Week 2-and I cried

I have a pretty good schedule going, it goes like this:

Monday: Baby in child care, I work 8-4

Tuesday: Baby with Daddy, I work 8-4

Wednesday: Baby with me all day, I do not shower, I do notwork, leaving the house totally optional

Thursday: Baby with Daddy, I work 8-4

Friday: Baby in child care, I work 8-4

It is pretty bitching. And I only do this for less than twomonths and then I have three months off. Perhaps that is why I am not feelingmore guilt? But this morning when baby burst into full red faced sobs andscreamed Momma as I fled in my super cute work outfit with curled hair and amade-up face, I felt reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllybad. My childcare provider, who is awesome, and gives the baby so much love andhas a dog, which is like his favorite thing, texted me that he was fine by thetime I got to my car. Me, I cried all the way to work.  I do still like working. My career was a hugepart of me, and something I truly enjoyed, and the bottomline is I need towork, it is not a choice for my family. We went to Walmart after work and I bought him one of those stupidpillow pals. It made him happy. I also bought a new plastic soap dispenser. That made me happy.

First week as a working mom wrap up, break it down....

I think we did well. No major disasters besides the husband breaking the soap dispenser, it matched the cup and toothbrush holder and bbb has discontinued the set-FUCK, leaving the liquid soap and broken ceramic molted into the bathmat with the tag on because I was still deciding, dried and I cleaned it up with no complaint. And my old laptop with all my pilfered thousands of dollars of scoring software that I never had the discs or rights for, died. But we are all still standing, no one was injured, no major blow-out fights, I think I helped a few kids, and we are ready to KILL week two. I went to bed every night by 9, I am craving mayo and my boobs hurt. I don't see how it possible that I am pregnant. We will not be trying until we can assure the FMLA will be in place. I am probably loving being back at work a bit too much and should be feeling more mommy guilt and be missing my child more. But truthfully I just really love working and my kid is doing great and my house despite moving A WEEK AGO is really not that bad. And of course the husband had THREE FUCKING days of drill this weekend, and I met a bloggy in real life and it was awesome. So I say WINNING!!!

Acclaimed Author Seeking Reintegration Stories

Dear Milfriends;

Acclaimed Author and good e-friend Molly Birnbaum is seeking integration stories from our military community. Molly's most recent book, Season to Taste, showcased her immense literary talent. As a military significant other alumnus, I believe there is no one better to tell our community's story.  Please share this info with your military friends and if you feel you might have a story to tell, contact Molly yourself! We are so fortunate to have Molly interested in us. Let's help her out and bring her the goods.  Thank you!

In Molly's words, what she is seeking:

I strongly believe that the subject of coming home from a deployment and what happens next for military families (and, well, an entire nation that has spent the last decade at war) is not adequately covered in the press. Rather than a sweeping, broad piece of journalism, however, I'm looking to write a book about the small moments. After all, I often find that the small moments can tell a larger story in very real way. And everyone can remember a meal: it's an easy way to start.

I'm looking to speak with folks (soldiers, their loved ones, their families and friends) about one particular moment: the meal that they had to celebrate the return from a deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan. This meal can be a big one -- one with lots of preparation, with lots of people around the table, lots of voices and memories and action -- or it can be a small one, maybe just a trip to the local pizza parlor, or a grilled cheese sandwich at home. It can be a meal that was happy and full, or not. It can be one filled with foods from childhood or generations past, or not. It can be anything at all.

Thanks,

 To learn more about Molly:

http://www.mollybirnbaum.com

Or email her directly:
molly.birnbaum@gmail.com

The other side

this is going to be hard to explain but of lately i am beginning to feel that i have been shot back into my old life of sorts. no i am not back in sf and single, but going back to work and doing what i love/hate and having my own home again in california, well it feels like old times, sorta. maybe because it is that we are in charge instead of the army. we make choices based on what we want not on the needs of the army. but let's be honest the big green weanie has given it to us up the ass a few times lately, but on a much smaller scale. 


two years ago-ish when i pulled up stakes and basically everything in my life's infrastructure changed. With the exception of my car, i would sit behind the wheel and remark, hey the view is the same, but why the fuck does it feel so sweaty, oh right i followed a dream and now i live in the south, and holy fuck i am pregnant too. 


back to today's reality. And now today my reality is beginning to feel a whole lotta more like normal. 

i am pretty amazed when i think of what i did two years ago-ish. i mean really, i got married to a military man nine years my junior that i had spent less than 100 days in each other's physical presence with, quit my career, left the only state i had ever known, left every sense of security and belonging wrapped along with loneliness and longing, and ran off and got married and started a family. at the age of 37. not like i was some young stoopid in love buck.  i mean i kinda knew better. and exactly i knew this was better for me. i had been kicked around (often self-inflicted) many a time, i had lost my footing and cleaned up my messes enough times that i knew as crazy as this was, i was probably going to be alright and would be able to mop it up if it went sideways. 

but i made no back up plan, i picked up and left for a thing called love. and is there any greater reason than love?(insert barf a bit) i think not ya'll. and here were are two-ish years later and i am putting all the pieces of me back together. what made me me-the career, the home state, seeing my friends not frequently but staying in pretty good touch, and i have what i was missing before i took this leap. i have a family.

 I HAVE MY OWN FAMILY. l WON THE IN-LAW LOTTERY. I HAVE AN AMAZING FAMILY. I CRY HAPPINESS. This shit is profound. No this shit is a FUCKING MIRACLE!!!!

Like this is working out. i mean really. it is.  i am not sure what i owe this too, luck? connections? belief? never giving up? i do know that it feels pretty strange lately, like i am re-entering my life after being gone.  not gone missing. but gone something, but back better than ever, though very tired and with a lot more responsibility.  and with a very full heart. my friends that known me forever, you all know how this has been a long time coming, how i fought for this, how life at times smacked me down, how i smacked myself down and got in my own way, how i took my licks and learned my lessons, paid off my debt never got in it again, quit jobs to find better ones, moved to be in the city, dug deep and held up the mirror to do the inner work that needed to be done, and how i kept moving, and now i have this. fucking incredible. really. hallefuckinglujah. absofuckinglutely time.