Groveling

So after the tomfuckery that UPS put in motion, I was told all hope was lost. My application was not going to be considered. However, I was not ready to accept defeat. Failure is not an option. I wrote a groveling email and played every card possible-I work with disabled students, I just had a baby, my husband is a combat veteran, he is going back to school to become a teacher. And you know what?

It worked.

My application will be considered.

A tough day sheds some light

Yesterday can suck it. It was also Fish's birthday, the first one we have actually spent together. It was also the last day my parents were here. It was also a day I cried a lot. In a nutshell a job application I poured my heart and soul into, actually hired someone to help me write an essay for, wanted so bad as it was the next step in my career, got FUBAR'ed. Due to UPS driver error my application was not delivered in time to be considered. Yes it was supposed to be delivered several days ahead of the deadline. But for reasons I simply do not have the strength to regurgitate it was not. Through no fault of my own. I did everything in my power to have the possible employer reconsider, SOL. I have gotten like no traction on my job search for a school psychologist position with a public school district. It is bleak out there. There was hope here. But that has been dashed by some fucktard wearing tight brown shorts and black tennis shoes. I imagine he probably wears white socks with them.

As yesterday wound on and my efforts continued to be as effective as pissing in the ocean and my mind began to spin. They like to call it in the mental health field catstrophizing. I saw us re-enlisting and the Army assfucking us and PCS'ing us to a line unit and Fish deploying and KIA'ing. It could happen. But what I knew would happen is that my child would not be spending at least his first three years near his grandparents. The past few weeks with all of our parents visiting has fed my soul. I know many milfamilies deal with this, we are not alone. But I simply don't want to do it. I grew up with a mentally ill parent who ostracized us from so many. I had no extended family around. No one to soften the suffering. No one to tell me they loved me and give me big hugs. My Dad did the best he could, he stayed in an unhappy marriage in order to attempt to protect my sister and I. However, there was really not a lot anyone could do. I want better for my child. While it will never be like it was for me, I want my child to grow up around his grandparents. My Dad is 78 and fortunately in good health. But you just never know. I want to be around my Daddy. I need to go home. I need to go home. I have to believe we will make it.

So with my heart in hand I called my in-laws. I asked them, and anyone that knows me, knows that this was huge. I asked them, "Can we come home? Can we stay with you until we get ourselves back on our feet post-Army?"

They answered, "How soon can we pick you up?"

So, the plan has changed again. We have several months until ETS (Official date is 11/28/11). Whether we have jobs or not, the Fish, the Fishess (myself), the Fishy, the 8 snakes, 3 lizards and the kitty, will be going home.

Point of No Return

It is funny when things hit you. Kinda at the oddest of moments. Was sitting on the couch trying to burp the Fishy. I totally suck at burping, someone please tell me the secret!!! It has been a little over two and a half years since I met the Fish. In that time, we survived a 12 month deployment, got married, upended my settled life of 38 years and moved across country, became a stay at home army wife, birthed a baby, and now we are plotting our hoped for reversed exodus back out West. It is a lot. So you would think I would have been having "aha" (thanks Oprah) moments all the time. Not so much. Well last night sitting on the couch watching a TV show I do not like but doing so to be nice, holding this gorgeous baby, after taking my parents back to their hotel, it just kinda hit me.

There really is no going back.

I mean I know that gorgeous life I had in San Francisco is my past and for the most part I do not mourn it much. I am nostalgic more than anything else. This is the life I always wanted, dreamed about, held out hope for, weathered dark days with the belief that I would eventually get here. Even during that 5 month period after getting married and before joining Fish in Sweatyville, my life was already changing. But somehow there has been this part of my head that has this little scenario. We could move back to SF and set up life there. I could once again ride my bike on Sundays through the Golden Gate Park, lay in the sun and drink beer at Beer Chalet, smell the air at Ocean Beach, go to Pub Trivia that evening. Get up and go to work the next day, work my private practice clients, ride the bus around, shoot the shit with my roommate, play kickball and kill it at flip cup, meet friends at a moment's notice, just be with those friends who know my soul at the drop of a hat, have as many eggnog latte's as I desire, drive over to my parents' home for TLC, watch the fog roll in and do nothing for as long as I wanted.

I have a baby now and while I am not going to go as far as proclaiming, it changes everything, it definitely makes me realize those days are in the past. Going forward this life of mine is a team sport. No more all about me. And like that is a good thing. I was feeling a bit stagnant and bored, but boy did I enjoy that life. I am glad I got 38 years to soak it up.

Here are some more gratuitous pics. The first one is one I longed for more than almost anything. Being an older mom and having a dad who is approaching 80 I feared that this moment might not ever happen. I didn't dream about having my dad walk me down the aisle, I dreamed about this:

My Dad was the only person in my entire life, before the Fish came along, that I knew loved me for me and would always always be there for me. He has always been the most important and beloved person in my life. For me to be able to put that smile on his face, well that is the best best bested.

And of course, we have to have a cute pic of the Fishy, especially now since I have figured out how to use my fancy shmancy camera on auto:

3 weeks 2 days old!

Hello all. Here are Casa Fish we are settling into parenting. We had an amazing visit with the mother-in-law, she got us right side up again, and I held tight not to sink down when she left. I advocated hard and got Fish an extra week of paternity leave (counted as convalescent so he doesn't have to use leave days!) so I wouldn't be on my own for the week in between his mom leaving and my parents arriving. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Now, I am actually doing quite well. If you asked me a week to 10 days after the birth if I would be feeling this strong and competent, I would have laughed. The traumautic labor and emergency c-section kicked my ass physically and emotionally. Throw in the mix our future being so up in the air, heavy pain killers, and the resulting anxiety was horrid. But then I turned a corner and it has gotten exponentially better. I looked at a checklist for Post-Partum depression and I had 5 of the 7 risk factors, crazy. I think being off pain killers has helped greatly. Getting ourselves into a routine, overcoming Fishy's feeding issues (he is up 10 oz past his birth weight at 3 weeks, quoting pediatrician "charged ahead of his first goal"), nursing is going well after some initial struggles, and we have worked out a routine that allows me 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep (pumping and hubs bottle feeding). We have a concise plan for our future: No school drop to allow for the maximum amount of time for me to find a job in California (been applying like mad), and Fish looking at employment possibilities as well in addition to school if I do find employment. If we come the end of August, 90 days before our ETS date), we will re-enlist for 3 years (it would have been 2 in March-lovely) and very possibly serve those three years at our current duty station as a Drill Sergeant. I have conflicting emotions, but know we must have a clear plan that ensures us sustainability. I also know I have to heal and learn to be a parent, and I simply cannot do that under the specter of uncertainty and pressure. With those things settled I am settling down and finding myself enjoying the amazing baby we have made. It's the big things and the little things. I look at his red hair like his Daddy, which I had so hoped for (4th generation first born male with red hair!), and like to think the universe was winking at me. Gratuitous pic follows.

Love at first flight

I cannot begin to blog about how wonderful it is to have my amazing mother-in-law here. I have a Mom. Fishy has a grandma. The world is a better place with her here. It will be hard when she leaves on Friday. I may have to institute some Jewish guilt and get her to stay forever.

Getting my ass kicked!

By a six pounder who shits himself 8 times a day. We are doing well here at Casa Fish, exhausted but that is to be expected. Working through the feeding issues, barely sleeping, and today got a new used car to replace that piece of shit Saturn. We spent $300 above what we got for the Saturn, and as Fish says, he can now drive around without looking like his balls are in his wife's purse. Yeah cuz you know car shopping is definitely what you want to do post-partum. Going to a car auction in Alabama surrounded by dirt balls when your baby is 8 days old, AWESOMESAUCE!!!!

But seriously I think we are doing amazing all things considered. What has been the biggest lifesaver is the support from other mommies and all my friends near and far. And oh yes, the Fish has been phenomenal. I know this is TMI but nothing is beneath him, he even milks me. It has been incredibly difficult doing this with no family around. As much as Fishy needs his mommy, honestly I need a mom too. Just not my mom. But the universe sent me my mother-in-law. When I warned her that it was like a combo of National Geographic/Boob porn around here, and I wanted to make sure she was okay with it all and she had my permission to step out. She told me the following, and this is a direct cut and paste from her email:

"I am not the least bit modest and will happily make it a topless party if that will help make everything easier for you. I want to help out any way I can and I don't want you to think of me as a guest. I'm family, your mom and Fishy's grandma.I couldn't love you more if you were my own."

Insert crying jag #34923848 of the day.

The learning curve is steep, the hormones bananas, the cuteness disgusting. Two more days until my mother-in-law arrives. THANK FUCKING GOD!!!!